Venting.

After having my daughter I had really bad harm OCD. I was terrified to be alone with her. My bf works out of town so I was alone all week. I was going to family members houses almost every day of the week so I wouldn’t be alone. I can’t remember clearly cause it was a year ago but I’m scared that I avoided my baby while I was alone with her. I don’t remember doing this but I’m scared I let her cry so I could avoid her. I don’t remember this but I’m scared it happened. I know I always took care of her. She was always clean, clean diaper. Fed and what not. But now I’m like what if I didn’t play with her. It rips me apart that this disorder robbed me of those so special moments. Everything is such a blur from around that time. I look back through snap chat and I have videos of me talking to her and playing with her. But I feel so much guilt that I went through this. This is my first baby and at a time that should’ve been great was horrible. And I can’t come to terms with that. It literally eats at me. This has sent me down a rabbit hole of googling if my daughter is actually bonded to me. And if she has a healthy attachment. I don’t know. This was my first baby. Everything should’ve been so different than what it was. I still struggle with it but no where near what it was after she was born. My daughter means the world to me. I just wish things were different and I just wanna tell her how sorry I am that I wasn’t in a good head space for her.