I feel so discouraged

lately I can’t stop ruminating about my relationship. I know it’s just one day at a time and we’re both aware of the issues and working toward solutions and I’m excited for Valentine’s Day but I’ll get a “what if” or a “why” in my head and it ruins my whole day. I don’t know if I can afford therapy on here, I’m only 18. And the exposure therapy exercise on here seems too much for me to handle on my own. Sometimes I question whether it’s even ocd since I have never been diagnosed. I feel so discouraged and I feel bad about ranting on here all the time. I wish my mind would let me be for a second. I want to enjoy things and relax but I let myself ruin it by questioning everything.

fid

Date posted: 2y

plus I know I’m annoying my best friend, partner, and parents with my reassurance seeking. I feel guilty and closed off.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

I can relate to this so much.

$K22

Date posted: 2y

I really recommend journaling to build up your ability to self validate. However, I would try to limit it to once a day and then slowly decreasing to only rereading your reassurances to yourself, because at a certain point it becomes rumination and is no longer helpful. I understand the feeling of feeling closed off and like you can’t talk to other people in your life because it’s reassurance seeking. But you’re definitely not alone and as hard as it is, it’s just a part of the process and it does get easier over time. Another part of OCD is doubting that you have it, but if your thoughts are being dominated by a doubt/worry/past event/future event, then it’s definitely OCD. I look at starting an anxiety medication, mine has helped me a lot with being able to think more rationally. I would also try to start meeting with an OCD specialist. You’ve got this!

fid

Date posted: 2y

@$K22 I’m afraid to do anything like writing it down because I’ll probably read it over and over and question it:(

$K22

Date posted: 2y

@fid I have a couple ideas that worked for me: Writing out each thing/instance you are anxious about as well as an affirmation. I’m not sure what types of things you’re worried about, but if you’re feeling the need to confess things or ask for reassurance, then write everything out you would want to say and read it out loud to yourself. When I did that about things I felt I needed to confess, as I read it out loud to myself I realized that I was being irrational and it helped to at least get the thoughts out of my head and onto something tangible like paper or a notes app.

fid

Date posted: 2y

@$K22 I think the fear and the affirmation sounds like it could work for me, but I probably won’t believe the affirmation. I could try though. Thank you. I have ruminations about whether I should or want to be in my relationship

$K22

Date posted: 2y

@fid Okay, I understand exactly what you mean, I’ve dealt with the same thing. I didn’t think it was OCD before either, but I’ve realized over time that it was and the reason I was feeling that way was because I have deep issues of mistrust in myself and feelings of unworthiness - which all came from past relationships/experiences. If that sounds relatable to you then maybe journaling about those issues and trying to figure out the root of it would be helpful.

$K22

Date posted: 2y

@fid - additional note: things have gotten much better for me with this issue and there is definitely hope! Every relationship is different but I think reflecting on if you have any self destructive tendencies (OCD, self h*rm, etc) and asking yourself if there is any reason why you might feel the need to self sabotage or sabotage your relationship would be a good place to start.

fid

Date posted: 2y

@$K22 I fear that it’s not ocd because our relationship has been kind of toxic. We are aware of the issues and always working toward growing and maturing though. But yeah I’m scared it’s not ocd (never been diagnosed) and that it’s all real and reasonable to feel like this. But I relate to everything ROCD related:(

$K22

Date posted: 2y

@fid That makes sense, doubting that it is OCD is also a part of OCD as well because the thoughts and anxieties feel very intense. If you are relating to all of the symptoms of ROCD I would say that is probably the cause and to try to seek help for that and see how you feel after before making any decisions on your relationship.

fid

Date posted: 2y

@$K22 It’s pricey tho:((

BigGyro09

Date posted: 23w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

I can’t have really good days

If I ever experience myself happy in life, my relationship, or friendships, OCD just finds a way to ruin it for me. As soon as life’s going good, it pops up into my head with all these intrusive thoughts that make it impossible to just relax and enjoy myself. My relationship has been improving, along with my mental health, and I have been feeling so in love and present with my partner. Everytime that happens OCD pops back up, with all these thoughts in my head like “What if I don’t really love my partner” “What if I’m not actually attracted to him” then it spirals to “What if I’m gay” “What if I don’t even like men” and it keeps going and going. Now, I can’t even hang around women friends without OCD popping up and saying “What if I’m attracted to them” “You have a crush on them”. I have always identified as straight, and I have always been boy obsessed growing up. I don’t want to be gay and lose everything I have with my boyfriend. That’s a huge fear that OCD is putting into my head. That I’m gay and I don’t actually love my partner and am attracted to him. I’m so upset. I just want to be happy in my relationship and at peace. And I want to be able to make female friends without OCD ruining it for me. :/ It’s like if I’m really stressed, my OCD gets really bad. And if I’m happy my OCD gets really bad. Unfortunately NOCD doesn’t accept my insurance, but I am meeting with a therapist I found on Rula who treats OCD, so I’m hoping that helps. I am also considering meds, because I can’t keep living like this. It’s been 25 years.

Secretidentity

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21w

Please please send advice

I had to do a new exposure with my therapist two weeks ago involving my boyfriend where I had to share some of my intrusive thoughts and I know that it hurt him to hear some of them I could see it in his eyes and now I’m terrified he’s going to leave me my ocd isn’t the worst it’s ever been but it’s now the worst it’s been in a while and I’m back to doing one of the compulsions I had completely stopped and now idk what to do. I feel like I’m in this never ending cycle of doing really bad then doing really good. I just want my ocd gone I want to be normal again and not obsess ever my relation anymore. Sorry for the rant I’m just exhausted from my ocd and feel super depressed and I think it’s from my ocd. I just feel like I’m spiraling

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I feel so discouraged

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