December 14, 2024, marked two years since my first ERP therapy session with my NOCD therapist, Mixi. And October 2024 marked a year of being free from OCD. It was not an easy journey, confronting my fears face to face. Exposing myself to the images and thoughts my brain kept throwing at me, accepting that I might be the worst mother, that my daughter wouldnât love me, and that I deserved to be considered a bad person. It was challenging having to say, âYes, I am those things,â feeling the desire to run, but realizing the thoughts followed me.
At the start of my therapy, I remember feeling like I couldnât do this anymore. Life felt unbearable, and I felt so weak. I longed for a time before the OCD, before the flare-ups, before the anxiety, the daily panic attacks. I thought Iâd never be myself again. But I now know that ERP saved my life.
The first couple of sessions were tough. I wasnât fully present. I lied to my therapist about what my actual thoughts were, fearing judgment. I pretended that the exposures were working, but when the sessions ended, I went back to not sleeping, constantly overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. But my therapist never judged me. She made me feel safe to be honest with her. She understood OCD and never faltered in supporting me, even when I admitted I had been lying and still continued my compulsions.
My biggest milestone in therapy was being 100% transparent with my therapist. That was when real change began. At first, I started smallâsimply reading the words that terrified me: "bad mom," "hated," "unloved." Then, I worked on listening to those words while doing dishesânot completely stopping my rumination, but noticing it. Just 15 minutes, my therapist said.
It wasnât easy. At one point, I found myself thinking, âWill I ever feel like myself again?â But I kept pushing through. Slowly, I built tolerance and moved to face-to-face exposuresâsitting alone with my daughter, leaning into the thought that my siblings might die, reading articles about my worst fears, and calling myself the things I feared. Each session was challenging, but with time, the thoughts started to lose their grip.
By my eleventh session, I started to realize: OCD was here, and it wasnât going away, but I could keep living my life despite it. I didnât need to wait for it to be quiet or go away to move on. Slowly, it began to quiet down, and I started to feel like myself again. In fact, I am not my old self anymoreâIâm a better version. OCD hasnât completely disappeared, but itâs quieter now. Most of the time, it doesnât speak, and when it does, I know how to handle it.
The last session with my therapist was emotional. I cried because I was finishing therapy. I remember how, in the beginning, I cried because I thought it was just startingâbecause I was overwhelmed and terrified. But at the end, I cried because I was sad it was ending. It felt like I had come so far, and part of me wasnât ready to say goodbye, even though I had already learned so much. It was a bittersweet moment, but I knew I was walking away stronger, equipped with the tools to handle OCD on my own. If I could change anything about my journey, it would be being open and honest from the beginning. It was the key to finding true healing. The transparency, the honestyâit opened the door to lasting change. Iâm no longer that person who was stuck in constant panic. Iâm someone who has fought and survived, and while OCD still appears from time to time, I know it doesnât define me.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments. Have you started therapy, is something holding you back? Is there something you want to know about ERP therapy? I'll be live in the app answering each and every one today from 6-7pm EST. Please drop them below!
