Struggling with intense emotions and hopelessness driven by OCD thoughts.

I’m feeling horrible.

I find myself questioning things I’d never question about my life. I’m thinking I’ve actually been driven to contemplate these dark things because my ocd has pushed me over the edge. So it’s kinda that my intrusive thoughts have come true. It’s not fair! I feel super hopeless, then I get scared that I felt that way then the ocd kicks in and I start contemplating things like “it’s all hopeless I feel I am going to carry out (insert violent thought here).”. I don’t get it guys… I don’t have the money for therapy right now so crisis chats and this is my best option. I’ll definitely say ocd and my poor sleep bug habit are what has pushed me to these depths. What I don’t get though is I’m not inherently violent, I thought I was always a hopeful person on the inside, I don’t have depression. That and I love my family, I don’t want harm to come to them but the moment I get the hopelessness it makes me question wether or not it’s worth it. I’m living my worst nightmare. By the way I’m not dangerous, I don’t have any deficits in empathy what’s wrong with me. I’m in denial, I can’t believe I’m capable of genuinely thinking these things. Oh and then I have this suicidal spiral. I’ve had suicidal ocd but now I think it’s also partially true since I’ve been in such a dark spot. I know they say that if you’re not comforted by the idea of sleeping forever it prolly means it’s just ocd and well let me say it’s not comforting. Back to back I’m like “do I want to kill myself? Am I feeling that? Will I do it?” And I feel so hopeless that the thought comes in but no I DONT WANT IT. So it’s like half ocd and half my mental distress. But lord no I don’t want it and I don’t want to live in a reality where I contemplate it. Someone just help me… Why are my emotions so intense I question these things? Ocd is involved I know but I’m telling you this hopelessness had made me contemplate things that ocd wouldn’t typically do. I don’t have personality disorders or any other mental illness. HELP ME!

Username: cprock17cprock17

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

One time my ocd got stuck on harming/killing my self. It was horrible. Very scary. It sounds like intrusive thoughts are happening to you and you are listening to them. Letting them suck you in. Make you question yourself. Try to just let the thoughts come in and float out. Like wind. Don’t react. Sit in the anxiety and it will dissipate. Then go back to living your life. You know you’re not going to harm anyone. You will never convince ocd of this. Ever. It’s not rational. It’s a disease.

Username: Anna,hi! Anna,hi!

Date posted: 1y ago

I really do not mean to be rude, but this is an app to talk to people about ocd. However it is not therapy.

Username: faye faye

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anna,hi! Oh it’s okay you’re not being rude. Also I have ocd, I’m just sharing my issues. I do understand it’s certainly no replacement for therapy. But it’s the only other option I have right now to sort of vent for relief so yeah.

Username: cprock17cprock17

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anna,hi! She just wants help and for someone to respond.

Username: Anna,hi! Anna,hi!

Date posted: 1y ago

@faye Of course we are help and to support each other ❤️because ocd is a bully

Username: firstandlastfirstandlast

Date posted: 1y ago

OCD is ego-dystonic, which means it preys upon things that directly go against your own moral code/compass/things you view as wrong. OCD forces you to think these thoughts, and causes you to think “Oh, well do I REALLY think that?” I know you think OCD isn’t making you think these things, but it’s likely it is. It’s not your fault, OCD is very difficult and it’s strong of you to reach out. It’s good you’re contacting crisis lines, along with here. I suggest trying online exercises, as well as reminding yourself that these thoughts are you, they’re simply thoughts. And even if you did something wrong, you must move on, you’re not a bad person. I get how you feel, and I truly hope you feel better soon

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 1y ago

You explained perfectly what I’m going through.

Username: faye faye

Date posted: 1y ago

I should edit the first half to provide more context. These dark things I contemplate regard carrying out harming someone I love. These used to just be intrusive thoughts but now they’re like genuine contemplations when faced with these feelings. That I know good and well are irrational. Right now I’m feeling okay so I’m like, clearly I’m not going to do that. But when I’m in the hopelessness I feel very concerned. The more I feel like I may do it. I feel less motivated to not do it. More convince I will.

Username: faye faye

Date posted: 1y ago

I understand I shouldn’t harm anyone they don’t deserve that. They’re living their life but what the heck. I hate this confusion.

Username: faye faye

Date posted: 1y ago

Also I’ll imagine later the act when I’m feeling better and I get repulsion from it, I hurt. So I’m clearly conflicted but don’t understand why I feel this way.

Username: holytropical!

Date posted: 5y ago

(PLEASE HELP IM BEGGING!) Hey guys, right now I’m having suicidal OCD and it’s really fucking scaring me because I know I want to live but it’s feeling like I’m going to end my life any second or any day now and that I’m going to die soon, and I’m afraid that I’m going to come up with a plan and go through with it, or say fuck it, I don’t care about recovery, be selfish and just do it. I’m SO scared I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know if these are real suicidal thoughts or just my OCD attacking me and I’m genuinely scared for my life. It’s like every second of the day I get a stupid intrusive suicidal thought and it makes me feel like I’m really suicidal and that I don’t want to live anymore, for ANYTHING positive I hear, I twist it and make it negative and tell myself, you’re going to die soon, or you’re gonna kill yourself anyway, you don’t have a future, you don’t care anymore. I even feel a lil bit down and sad when I get these thoughts and I start to feel depersonalization, I almost feel depressed when I get these thoughts all day and it makes me feel like I’m genuinely gonna get depressed and the suicidal thoughts will become REAL I’m so scared. Even when my parents tell me that I’m going to be ok and not do anything, I tell myself in my mind that I’m still going to go through with suicide and just kill myself. I don’t have a set plan and I’m afraid that I may develop a plan and want to go through with it. IM SCARED FOR MY LIFE! IM SO FUCKING SCARED PLEASE HELP PLEASE! Anyone that has gone through this PLEASE HELP! Going into a hospital won’t help because I’m not ACTUALLY suicidal but these thoughts make me FEEL like I am and it’s just SO confusing I don’t know what’s real and what’s not!!! PLEASE HELP ANYONE!!!! I’m so fucking scared ??

Harm OCD

Username: Cozy_dragon

Date posted: 2y ago

Ocd about being alive

At this point I’m pretty sure I’m psychotic. I have intrusive thoughts all day long of me doing a bunch of things that I never and will never do. Images of me poking out my own eyes in all sorts of other horrific things that will have to do with self mutilation. These images have been haunting me for two years with the persisting fear that I will act out on these things one day despite me never wanting to do so. Now on top of these thoughts I am dealing with something else. I keep thinking about the fact that there’s no escape from life other than death and it makes me feel scared and trapped. I can’t stop thinking about this that there’s no escape. It’s scaring me. I want to live I have no desire to die but once I get the intrusive thought about not being able to escape this life is scaring me. I believe I’m going through depersonalization because nothing feels right my surroundings feel unfamiliar I feel unfamiliar. I feel like an alien in a place that seems unknown to me. This all started after I had a panic attack in the shower three weeks ago over my intrusive harm thoughts and in the moment I actually thought that my life was over and that I was about to act out on it but of course I didn’t because it’s just a thought and an obsessive fear. Something I would never do but it felt so real in that momentI almost passed out from the fear. The day after that I felt like nothing was real and I’m still in depersonalization and having panic attacks on the regular but today I got that thought about not being able to escape life and how we’re basically all trapped here. I can’t stop thinking it and it’s making me feel sick. Maybe if I Felt more connected to myself and my surroundings stuff like this wouldn’t bother me but that panic attack destroyed me. Does this sound like OCD or something else?I was completely normal and fine three weeks ago yes I had my intrusive thoughts but they weren’t scaring me or controlling me like they are now.

Harm OCD

Username: G.M

Date posted: 43w ago

I need to rant

Hi, so I’ve been dealing with OCD for the past four years intrusive thoughts and all. At first it started with being scared of panic attacks then the thoughts went to being scared I’d harm myself and now they’re associated around harming other people especially my family which is very very scary. It feels like I’m deeply rooted a bad person. I can’t even tell anyone my thoughts. It also makes me confused on if I want these thoughts. I’m not even sure if I have any compulsions bc I try to just ignore the thoughts and distract myself. Lately I’ve noticed my anxiety getting a lot worse Notjhing seems to calm it down anymore and I just want to stay alone in my bed and make it all go away. I’m scared I’m scared of myself and I’m scared these thoughts could happen one day and I’m scared I want them. Sometimes my thoughts can make me feel like that… does anyone have any good resources im doing ERP but it’s so expensive. I haven’t tried medication but I want to I’m just scared it will make me worse or make me gain weight. But I’m at the point where I’m desperate and something needs to change bc I can’t live like this. I feel like I’m fighting my thoughts all day. And one second I feel confident I’m ok and the next my whole body gets hot and I feel like it’s all possible and I want these thoughts. Someone please give me advice?

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Struggling with intense emotions and hopelessness driven by OCD thoughts.

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