Feeling stuck in the spiral

I have my first appointment with NOCD next week, but this past weekend up until now I have been wrecked witch SO-OCD and I am trying to let the thoughts pass by, but nothing is working. My brain is convinced that I'm a lesbian in denial. For context, I just got out of a relationship with my boyfriend of a little over a year in December. I had consistent ROCD feelings for a few months after we moved in together. We broke up because of reasons actually unrelated to ROCD, but have been emailing for the past week and are trying to figure out whether or not we are in a better place to make our relationship work. But out of no where a few weeks ago, I was with my best friend- who is bi- and I had the thought pop into my head that I'm actually in love with her. It made my OCD really difficult for a couple of days. We did talk about it and actually laughed at the idea of it because we're basically sisters and it would just be weird. Since then though, my SO-OCD has been acting up intermittently, with this weekend being the hardest triggering event. I remember having SO-OCD when I was pretty young, but it hasn't bothered me in so long. I've only ever been with men and find them attractive, and always imagined sharing a life with a man. I do find women attractive and have had fantasies, and watched w/w p*rn, but always said I couldn't see myself in a romantic partnership with one. I've thought about my sexuality as being mostly indefinable before without being bothered by it. But this week my brain is saying I just need to be with women, I'm gay, the reason I've had failed relationships with men and have had a hard time connecting with them is because I'm gay, and I can't get back with my partner because I would be lying to him and myself. I feel so anxious and this is all I can think about. I don't know how to differentiate between denial and OCD. Are there any signs? I think, because I'm so anxious, it must be OCD. And I keep wanting to Google questions and check reddit to see if other people feel the way I feel, which I know is me compulsing. I feel like I would be okay with being bi, but I hate how my brain is saying I'm strictly one thing. Or how it's warping every time I have looked at a women in a way that felt innocent, and is saying it was sexual. This was so long but I needed to get this out because I feel so weird, alone, and confused.

Going to fig...

Date posted: 2y

I relate to this on so. many. Levels. My experience almost seems identical. I have been dealing with this everyday for months. In the past I’ve had no problem with watching w/w p*rn and I never thought anything of it or could watch shows with lesbian couples, etc. one of my best friends was lesbian growing up and this stuff never crossed my mind nor would I get anxious or try to avoid any of that. Now I feel like I can’t watch any shows like that because it somehow feels like I’m finding out my “true self” and I need to stay away from that. Each time I dated or now that I’m in a relationship, it’s this constant dilemma in my mind. Constantly checking Reddit, checking arousal with my partner, groinals(or arousal, I can’t even tell at this point). It feels like I just can’t allow myself to be happy. At this point I even identify as being bi to myself but my brain won’t accept that. It’s this or that. Or constant fear or what my family would think if I came out as that and what not. Constant torture lol.

shopgirl

Date posted: 2y

@Mamba24 Thank you for responding. It feels like finding out my “true self” too, even though there’s a lot of anxiety attached to it. It’s so confusing when you are actually attracted to men too and you’re body is making you feel like you have to decide. And since I had these experiences as a kid, my brain is telling me I just suppressed it… like wtf?! I just want to relax and feel like my identity is intact. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too because it’s awful. Are you doing ERP currently?

Going to fig...

Date posted: 2y

@shopgirl I used to have a lot of anxiety attached to it but now it’s kind of subsided which almost feels worse cause it just feels like more real. Lol. I’m not doing ERP but I plan to! I’m currently seeing a therapist but she doesn’t specialize in ocd and honestly I feel like it’s not helping at all. I have experiences as a kid that I’m like using as “proof” which makes it even harder for me to shake lol. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this too. It really does suck!

shopgirl

Date posted: 2y

@Mamba24 Oh same. I do have anxiety at times when it makes me feel like I can never be with men again. But when I mental check and imagine being with women sexually or being in a relationship with them I don’t always get anxious. I know what you mean by it making it worse because then you question it more. And same about the past experiences! I kissed other girls when I was little because we would pretend to be acting in a movie, and it was enjoyable, so my brain is saying that’s proof I’m gay. Idk what experiences you had but this is what I’m going though so I get it. I’m also in therapy but my counselor specializes in ACT, and she encouraged me to try out ERP. She knows that I have a hard time tapping into my intuition so there isn’t much she can do for me.

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