ROCD

The ROCD has flared up so bad. It’s like something I nonchalantly did when I didn’t think it was a big deal a few months ago back in January to check out this persons social media because I was nosey and purposely looked because I thought this person was cute and just wanted to see his page quick. It has now turned into a big ordeal in my head and is making me feel so guilty and that I have been unfaithful. It’s made me feel that I shouldn’t have even entertained the simple thought of going on a scavenger hunt to find this persons page to briefly look. I can’t stand the Fact that im nosey in general and have looked up people all the time people I’m not even friends with but solely bc I did it for being attracted to this person now how’s me feeling like an unfaithful partner. Sometimes I really dislike social media and other times like finding this group has helped. I guess what makes this worse is if i expressed this to my husband about my situation and guilt it would cause major issues. We been together for such a long time he’s the only person I’ve ever been with. Half of my life!. This is one thing I suffer with on my own and confide in my best friend bc my husband can be very touchy with certain things. My innocent curiosity got the best of me and my intentions were pure it’s not like I had bad intentions im not even friends or spoke to this person, I’ve only ever said once “have a nice day” leaving and it’s so easily accessible to find people today because well…he’s a teacher at my daughters school which makes it even worse! ( he slightly resembles the actor austin butler) and I can’t be the only mom who thinks he’s cute. My stepmom thought the same too, I’ve also just checked the other teachers pages as well just to see who they are and what and who my child is around ….. But bc I find this person attractive and I’m the one who searched him out just to be nosey and look.. the intrusive thought makes me feel like that was being unfaithful. I would be completely stupid if I thought my husband didn’t “look” At pretty women and it wouldn’t bother me if he did and told me that’s how long we have been together! I been with him since I’ve been 15!! I am 34 now. The only difference is, he isn’t on social media because he doesn’t like it. I have been suffering with this intrusive thought and guilt for 3 weeks. I feel so wrong for what I did. I’ve had confided in a few family members and they told me it isn’t a big deal and it’s “normal” to do that and don’t worry about it but how do I think this is normal if I know my husbands reaction would be not very good if I confessed? This is something that I will keep to myself and suffer with but me knowing how he would react makes me feel even that much more wrong I did that . So I guess That’s why I’m confiding with professional people in this group. If it weren’t for YouTube I would have never have found this page. So thank you for letting me express my feelings. I cannot afford to pay for therapy as we are a 1 income household right now. I’ve been silently suffering with ROCD for such a long time off and on throughout this relationship and now marriage. To be the best partner. I’ve Had this fear of cheating and him cheating ( in the beginning and then learned it’s ok to trust people) and also me not being the most perfect and purest person to him. My parents divorced over cheating so I have seen alot of turmoil over this. I don’t want to be a cheater. Because I saw how sad my mom was with what happened in her marriage. I never understood it I remember my mom screaming on the phone when I was about 9 and her crying “I know he’s over there!!!” Talking about my dad. So I guess after this long vent, What erp therapy can you do in this situation for having immense guilt for being just a nosey person and looking at a Facebook of someone you wanted to see solely bc you thought they were cute? I looked at it probably less then a handful of times and once I saw I was like.. oh ok.. and that was it. But I just feel so wrong before my ROCD came back I didn’t think it was a big deal then A few months prior and randomly one day in the beg of March and the intrusive thought came out of nowhere “remember when you did this two months ago on Facebook and looked at his page on a scavenger hunt and found him and you looked at it bc you think he’s cute!” and it stuck like glue in my head. And spiraled Ugh.