Truth: Blind faith requires infinite trust.

I don't even know if I should put this here, but I have the greatest girlfriend in the whole world, and I love her very much, but my thoughts keep saying I'm going to hurt her, so I can hurt God and idk what to do, I feel so disgusted and idk what to do, and the worst part is why does some part of me just not even care idk what to do anymore, it's almost like I'm turning into this horrible person and idk what to do, I'm really not sure what to do. I have really been able to be happy I just feel like I don't deserve it and I want to care about people and God and I want to be a good person, but a part of me shuts off my caring nature and idk what to do, I'm really freaking out because it's like IDC and idk what to do I just feel so nasty and scared because why don't I feel like I care. Why does it feel like it's something I wanna do idk, what to do I'm really freaking worried. Also I don't want OCD but a part of me says I need it or I like these thoughts and idk what to do, as im writing this i just feel like laughing and idk what to do, i really judt want jesus to hug me and say everything will be alright, i am such a monster....

I’ve been struggling a lot with existential OCD lately, but for some reason, I’ve been fixating on the human body. And I can’t stop thinking about how incredible it is. Like, we’ve figured out how our bodies work, down to the smallest cell. We understand every pulse, every beat. We know how the heart—this intricate, delicate thing—keeps us alive without us ever having to ask it to. And if we did ask it to, it wouldn’t respond. It wouldn’t listen to our conscious brain. If your heart is failing, asking it to work wouldn’t do anything. The heart itself is a masterpiece. It’s not just a pump; it's a rhythm, a beat that holds everything together. Four chambers, valves opening and closing with precision, blood flowing in perfect cycles, never missing a beat. It keeps us alive even when we’re not thinking about it, doesn’t need our permission to keep going. It works for us, endlessly, without complaint. It’s kind of wild when you think about it. Our minds might spin out of control, but the body? The body’s got it all figured out, like it’s always working in the background, quietly supporting us. It’s beautiful that way—how the heart just keeps beating, how we keep going, even when we forget to appreciate it. The most wonderful part, we can be us. I can be a conscious person, while my body is almost robotic, all to keep my consciousness here. It’s scary sometimes, to think that we have no control. But right now, to me, it’s beautiful.

So I just joined and I’ve been reading through this forum. And I feel a strong sense of compassion for everyone here. Reading about people’s OCD concerns shows me that people with OCD may be particularly sensitive and caring. I have struggled with OCD since I was a kid, but having compassion for other people’s OCD is helping me have compassion for myself. Maybe that perspective might help another person. If we can have grace for another person, we can give ourselves grace as well. I’m working on self forgiveness and gentleness when normally I beat myself up for my intrusive thoughts