metamorphosis

Date posted: 2y

ROCD FEAR OF CHEATING

Hey guys, I'm posting this be I haven't seen much about it online and I hope I can either find helpful perspectives or someone who relates to my story. As per my last two boyfriends I've had debilitating rocd that certain actions I do are cheating. It can be anything. ANYTHING. It's like l'll be in the middle of doing something and my mind will tell me l'm moving my body in a sexual way or if I say this word it's flirting (even if the word isn't sexual at all like "almost"). Or I can be talking to someone and my mind will intrusively say something sexual about them and l'Il have an involuntary groinal response and if I stay in the conversation (whilst trying my BEST to ignore it) I'Il feel anxious afterwards like I cheated. Or my mind will say I can't watch this video on yt because I find the creator attractive and if I watch it I'm giving them another "view" therefore I cheated or did something wrong. It's like my mind over analyzes EVERYTHING. It's gotten so bad to where my ocd controlled my breathing; I'll be breathing and my mind will intrusively think of "sending" that breath of air to some imaginary person in a adulterous way and therefore I cheated or did something bad. Long story short, this is COMPLETELY debilitating. I want to have a healthy relationship without having panic attacks everyday, over analyzing my past actions, scared that I just cheated on my partner. I hate it. I am aware of how severe and irrational my rocd is which is why I joined NOCD. Please, anyone with any advice, relatability, anything help. Thank you.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 2y

Comment deleted by user

metamorphosis

Date posted: 2y

@Cmiles I’m so sorry I know how debilitating it can be. If you want to connect more on this topic to have someone to talk to it about I’m open!

JazzCrab

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I have the exact same thing. I don’t want to give you too much reassurance, because that won’t be good in the long run for ROCD recovery. But, it’s 100% possible to be in a happy and healthy relationship with this. I genuinely didn’t think it would happen for me, but I’m now happy engaged, getting married to an amazing man in September who is the most supportive and loving person I’ve ever known. I’ve confided in him about my OCD and the specifics of it, and he doesn’t fully understand, but he does his best to help me however he can.

metamorphosis

Date posted: 2y

@LittleBird This gives me hope, thank you🥹. Do you mind sharing methods that helped you? I’ve confided in my mother who is supportive but also doesn’t fully understand. I was too scared to confide in my partner out of fear of judgment but maybe I should.

JazzCrab

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@niaperru Well, I think you need to know that thoughts are not cheating. Sometimes having an honest conversation with your partner about what they’d consider cheating might help. Like, my fiancé said he’d be upset if I made out with someone or slept with someone, but honestly that’s about it. So that helped, without directly seeking reassurance about specific things. I haven’t been perfect about not seeking reassurance, tbh. My ex was super mentally abusive and genuinely DID think that being attracted to someone (even if I didn’t act on it) was just as bad as cheating. So it’s taken me a while to realize that he was a sociopath, and that most people do not think the way he thinks. But, my fiancé is amazing and understanding and super patient with me. ERP therapy has helped immensely. The biggest take away I can give you is to not engage with your thoughts. For example, if you have a thought of “Oh, I leaned toward this person when I was talking to him, that means I’m attracted to him and was flirting”, try and respond with “wow that is an interesting thought!” Or something along those lines, And leave it at that. Find what non engagement responses work best for your brain. Don’t try and distract yourself. Acknowledge the thought, and let it pass on naturally. It gets easier with time. I think also recognizing your values. I value love, loyalty, and relationships immensely, so that is what my OCD attacks. Write down your values, and if your ruminating thoughts go against them, it’s likely ocd. Also learning to just live in gray areas and discomfort, though I admittedly am still struggling with this myself. It’ll get easier. You know yourself. And you know how you would treat someone you’re dating that you truly care about.

metamorphosis

Date posted: 2y

@LittleBird Wow, thank you so much, truly. I have made some progress with not engaging with the thoughts as much, just haven't gotten to the point where I can leave them fully alone. It's that grey area, those "what ifs" and urges to check my past actions that leave me anxious if I ignore them. Are there any resources, books, videos that helped shape your new perspective?

JazzCrab

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@niaperru So, not specifically dealing with ROCD (what you and I are both experiencing) but ocd in general: I want to be where the normal people are by Rachel Bloom (I recommend the audio book because she’s hilarious) and Because We Are Bad by Lily Bailey are great first hand accounts of how ocd works. Those both just really helped me realize I’m not alone in this. That’s a big part of ocd recovery is recognizing that it’s ocd, you’re not crazy or a bad person. I one time tried to ask my fiancé for reassurance and he goes “yeah what if” and left it at that, rather than giving me what the ocd wanted. This is a good thing to explain to your partner, as well. Also, mentally replaying things in your head and checking your actions is a compulsion, so that’s where the non-engagement responses are most useful. And practicing. Like write scripts, create your own exposures, and eventually you’ll desensitize yourself to them and it’ll get easier to deal with. I found my ERP therapist through this app, actually, and she’s been amazingly helpful.

metamorphosis

Date posted: 2y

@LittleBird I’ll definitely check those out thanks! One more thing, do you mind elaborating on writing scripts? I don’t think I’ve heard that term before in regards to ocd. I’d love to give it a try.

JazzCrab

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@niaperru Yes. So, take a thought you’re stuck on or triggered by, and write it down. “I am worried because when I was speaking to this person, the way I acted seemed flirty and this makes me a cheater etc” Write it down in your notes app or on paper, read it over and over until you’re triggered and anxious, and then practice your non-engagement responses until the anxiety settles. And do that often, maybe once a day. Purposely exposing yourself to your fears is a good way to help get past them.

metamorphosis

Date posted: 2y

@LittleBird I really appreciate that and will give it a try. Thank you for your help I wish you well and congrats on getting married!

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

Thank you so much this is helpful. Could you share your examples of your non-engagement responses?

Anonnnnnm

Date posted: 22w

Please help (ROCD)!

I have been battling ocd for over a year now and it likes to switch themes. Currently, it’s attacking my relationship with my girlfriend who I’ve been with since I was in high school over 10 years ago. It first began as an intense feeling that I have to leave or break up with her over dumb little things. Then it changed into a lot of guilt for having any thought about another girl. And the worse is feeling this intense guilt for past things I’ve done in the past while in this relationship. We were so young and I was teenager, but I often found myself watching porn, fantasizing about real other people in my life, and getting off to other girls that I may have known. When I was younger I didn’t think it was bad and that it was just a normal teen boy thing, but 10 years later I have so much guilt about it. And yes I’m with the same girl now. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I know I love this girl and I’m ready to propose to her soon. Anyway, these past mistakes I did when I was younger make me feel like a cheater and I can’t stop ruminating about it. I feel like I have to admit every detail and person I’ve ever had a bad thought about. I feel like if I propose to her and don’t tell her everything, that I’m a lair and didn’t give her the full picture. And the other day one of the girls I thought was hot when I was younger, came up in convo and I just went downhill. Now she knows I deal with OCD and she is very supportive, I’ve told her before that I did some bad things, but never all the details. And that’s all my brain keeps telling me to do. I have so much tightness in my chest and just want to be able to breathe again. But everyone says to not admit or it’ll reinforce the cycle, I’m just not sure how everyone else does that. And at the same time, maybe I am a cheater and just simply a bad person. Idk! I never cheated physically or anything like that, but my past mistakes feel like I did. But again I may just be a bad person! Please if anyone has advice or is dealing with similar things, I’d appreciate the help!

Relationship OCD

Dalia H.

Date posted: 12w

Tired of constantly questioning intentions.

Despite the fact that I have never once acted flirtatiously with someone else over the course of my 3-year relationship, never talked to anyone inappropriately, never touched or interacted with anyone inappropriately, I have been battling constant ROCD obsessions centered around cheating ever since my partner and I got together. I am constantly worried about whether certain things are cheating: daydreaming about another person (already told my partner about this and he said it was okay and that he does it too), talking in a group chat with someone, sitting next to someone, speaking to them in person. I question my intentions. I worry that I cheated by wearing my hair a certain way in an attempt to look more attractive or by jokingly poking someone with a fake sword (despite doing it to other people too), looking through someone’s social media, etc. I have confessed so many ridiculous things to my partner and he’s always told me that none of them are cheating. I feel so guilty for being attracted to someone else, despite the fact that my partner said it was fine and normal. I have made a very very conscious effort to limit my interactions with this person. I never ever ever ever message them privately, I make an obsessive effort to NOT reply to their messages in a group server (constantly keeping track of the ratio of my replies to their messages compared to other people’s), to ignore them when I see them in person and hardly ever speak to them or initiate conversation with them. Yet I still feel like a disgusting dirty cheater who is hiding a big secret.

Jpais28

Date posted: 10w

ROCD advice help for supporting partner

I am at a very difficult spot in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, and I have a history of cheating that for years we’ve been trying to work through. To me, it makes a lot of sense that my OCD has attached itself to this and for the last few years I’ve experienced intrusive sexual thoughts of others and relationship ocd. I have been open to him about the content of my thoughts and now, with a proper diagnosis of an anxiety disorder, I am able to reframe them and work through them with ERP so that my brain will *hopefully* get bored and stop sending them. But, things have not been easy. As a result of this and everything in our past, he has become anxious about all the scenarios where I could be having sexualized thoughts about other people. To him, if I am thinking something utterly different than what I am telling him or acting like to him, he can’t fully trust it. And of course, I can imagine how difficult it is to know your life partner is sexualizing others in her brain and to be able find a way to dismiss them as unthreatening, especially when past mistakes say otherwise. Is there anyone that has gone through this with a partner? And other than repeatedly explaining the egodystonic nature of my thoughts and providing reassurance, what are some things you did that helped them? Any advice helps! Thank you

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