HOCD, overcoming and going back to the loop

hey guys. wanted to share my story, hoping someone can relate and/or share theirs too (i'm a female, only ever been interested in dating boys). back when i was seventeen, i got a major breakdown and became riddled with anxiety when i was talking to a friend and they told me 'i should like girls'/'i should be with a girl'. i had never thought of that before, only had crushes on boys, never had been with anyone then. i was rushed to the ER with an anxiety crisis that jumped my heart rate to 200bpm, and followed up to that, i tried to implement things in my life that distracted me from my thoughts, like hanging out with friends. eventually, it faded away. but once in a while, i would get triggers of it, which would last for a few days, then fade away again. i never contemplated that it could be a form of OCD, as i never had any lights on what OCD was truly like (besides what we typically hear about OCD, the stereotypes of OCD sufferers being about cleaning and such). when i was twenty - and this happened during the transition to the pandemics, btw - i was going through some health issues and started performing compulsions related to health anxiety (it was never about covid, though, i was fine with it, i just thought i had cancer or something up in my head provoking pain that the doctors were dismissing - there was never anything, i did all the exams, my anxiety was provoking the pain and eventually it went away). a month later, i woke up in the middle of the night and was watching a video from one of my fav youtubers where she said she found out she liked girls too and that triggered my doubts once again. it was then, and during my online searching (which i shouldn't have done, but hey, that's what brings us here too!) that i realized OCD could be something i was suffering from. it was something that brought me some calm, as i realized that i could clearly identify some patterns and obsessions that weren't singled out (i mean, it was not only about my sexuality, as i spent the months before thinking i was gonna die of cancer and constantly looking up what i was feeling and what it meant). i've read - A LOT - about OCD, HOCD and therapy. i guess i thought i could deal with this on my own and for the past two years i was in fact able to shrug it off and accept the uncertainty. about a month ago, i had major changes in my life and felt like i lost a sense of who i am in terms of identity (job, college, etc). HOCD crawled back in. everything suddenly felt like a potential trigger. for the past few weeks i've been able to calm it down, remembering the steps i took before (reminding myself that thoughts are not always real or equal to my feelings, getting distracted) but sometimes i feel conflicted that the fact that i'm reacting in a less anxious way might mean i'm accepting my thoughts and i trigger anxiety back in when i think about that. does this make sense? i try to look at this in a rational way and ignore the intrusive thoughts. for instance, i think the reason why HOCD became a theme again is because i was also struggling with my relationship (which ended a few days ago) and i noticed a pattern here: back in 2020, i was also in a relationship that was doomed, and had daily doubts about whether or not i should continue in a relationship with the boy. rationally, i know it's not about sexuality - i've liked boys in the past years, i've been in relationships and i knew when it had to end due to communication or effort issues, even if it pained me to take the step and actually do it. i think my brain is tricking me now, telling me that because the relationship didn't work and that because i was disappointed with this boy it means that i should give up on only-liking-boys and try it with girls? (btw, have you guys heard of heteropessimism?) i never wanted to do that, but my brain is telling me i should and it's kind of a FOMO, which is ridiculous - at the same time, rationally i recognize that i'm just looking for validation. for example, i'm talking with male friends and wondering if i find them attractive, which is a compulsion i don't want to perform! i know i'm heartbroken and i'm just conflicted with the 'what ifs', which we know is the problem here, and that it might be OCD taking advantage of this vulnerable moment in my life. can you guys share your thoughts?

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Oh shit this is like when I was struggling with SO OCD! literally my ocd got triggered by being broken up with by a guy and then me thinking it didn’t work out cuz I was gay. (Def OCD). The only things that helped me were meds and NOCD therapy

LRC

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Honeyshark I relate to this a lot! I have only ever had crushes on men. 2020-2021 I lost my grandfather who I was VeRY close to, moved to a new city, realized I didn’t want to take the career path I was on, got diagnosed with ADHD and of the Pandemic! the My SO-OCD really started at the end of 2021 and was mixed in tightly with ROCD(engaged, been together 9 years) If everything else in my life was flipping: maybe ii had been wrong about myself there too!

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@LRC Exactly!

wewillgetthr...

Date posted: 24w

My experience with SO-OCD

Hey everyone. I wanted to share my story and some of the things I have/am experiencing in my journey with OCD- particularly with Sexual Orientation OCD. My goal is not to use this as a means for reassurance for myself or for any other, rather as to be a reminder for myself and you all that you are NOT alone. No matter what you are experiencing you aren’t alone, and we have all gone through the same thoughts and feelings as you, in whatever form they may have been. For personal reasons I will not share my name, but I do want to share about me and my journey with what has truly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I am a 24 year old female and for as long as I’ve remembered I’ve always been a “worrier”. My dad used to tell me that worrying will be the fastest way I’d die lol. Oh! How I wish I could go back to those days of just simply worry. For the past few years I have struggled with what I now know is intrusive thoughts. But, luckily for me they were a little calmer than what I’ve experienced now. They were the occasional worrying that my boyfriend died but I would get over it rather quickly. Well, in may of 2024, I had just graduated college, was about to get married and about to move out. So, that triggered some switch in my brain and thus began this horrible disease of OCD. My main type has been SO-OCD but I have found some moments that I’ve also struggled with ROCD as well as some existential crisis OCD. I have unfortunately not been able to go to therapy because of money but I am on meds and have been using tips and tricks I’ve found online. My goal is to still go to therapy when I can find the right time. And I, like many of you have months of great “freedom” from the disease; and then, like I find myself now, fall back into its trap. I wanted to share some of the things I’ve experienced with this to see if y’all have experienced the same things and to let you know you are not alone. For reference, I am straight (I am happily married to my wonderful husband). 1. Thoughts from the past: I slightly remember having a thought that I’d be gay when I was around 12-13… that was around the time I actually first figured out what that meant. Even then, I (more easily than now) brushed it off. Continued to have about a million crushes on boys and never thought of it again. But now, with my OCD, I feel “convinced” that that was a sign that I was gay. 2. I have always been a girls girl. Me and my friend have a joke that we are worse than men! Meaning that when we see a pretty girl with a nice body, we stare. We say they are pretty. Never have I ever thought anything of it. It was always from a place of envy and admiration. Never a place of lust or anything along those lines. But NOW. OH! If I even look that direction I feel guilty, I feel like that’s confirmation that I am gay. And even worse- that is one of my compulsions. To look and make myself “prove” I’m not gay. 3. I have lost “feeling” for my partner. I love my husband. More than anything else. I could not live without him. But since this all happened, my emotions and fears have been all over the place that I’ve somewhat lost that feeling. It doesn’t help that I’m on medicine that can have that effect. I have to just remind myself that love isn’t always feelings, it’s a choice. And I choose him every single day. 4. sex life issues: bc/ of the OCD fear as well as my medication, I don’t have much sex drive or pleasure in the bedroom as I did before OCD… and, my OCD likes to convince me that that is because I would be better off with a woman (even tho I don’t want that) and then, OH THEN, I proceed to experience some groinal sensation from that though. So- cue even more “proof” that I am gay. well- that’s all I can think of now. Let me know if any one yall struggle with those. And I hope you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OCD 💚

Sexual Orientation OCD

ptoriole82

Date posted: 21w

Dating, intrusive thoughts, and uncertainty oh my

(Sorry for the long post!) So one of the OCD things that most affects me at times, and that I have not really found other people dealing with (in literature or in my work as a therapist working with people with OCD), is one that often relates to potential dating and people I am interested in. Typically, as a gay male, I meet people on chat apps or dating sites, so the first interactions are virtual. What I find often happens is that I sort of build an image of the person, and then if anything goes against that, I start to get anxious and the OCD kicks in. An example may work best. I started talking to a guy that I find incredibly attractive, and who seems to find me attractive as well, and when we became friends on instagram, I saw that he has done some amateur modeling for a friend who does pictures in various states of undress. There are a few in underwear, and a few with no clothes (no genitals are shown), and this started off the thoughts of "oh no, he must just want sex" or "I bet he is super promiscuous if he has pictures like these." This leads to me investigating the other photos on the site, and the guy who does the images to try and figure it out, what kind of work it is, etc. I even found a way to work it into a conversation with the guy, like "wow I don't think I could do that. You're braver than me," and he said he did it because the photographer is a husband of a coworker and expressed interest in doing the pictures, and he loves his body so didn't mind doing it, and they are really good friends now. OCD then gets triggered "he loves his body? That must mean he really IS promiscuous. What if he and the men also have threesomes?" This leads to intrusive thoughts of me having to picture this happening,or him having sex with other people, over and over until it "feels right." I'll recheck his dating profiles in which has said that he is "not into fast sex," and then think about and picture scenarios about how that could just mean he wants to talk to someone once before having sex. The OCD also affects conversations--if he doesn't get back to me quickly on WhatsApp, I scour the texts to see if I messed something up (ocd responsibility--it's always my fault). I texted him yesterday, and he hasn't looked at the messages (he has read receipts on WhatsApp), but I check and see that he has liked a post by someone on instagram or has posted a story, so I think "clearly he sees that I've messaged and is purposely ignoring it, because he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. That's it, I'm never going to hear from him again." We were supposed to hang out last week, but he asked to reschedule because he wasn't feeling well, so my OCD then said "he was at an event the night before, he probably met someone and is still at their house." He did text the next day to ask what my schedule was, and then said "perfect. I work in Lisbon until next Thursday" (I'm currently living in Porto, in Portugal, where he also lives), so he seems to be interested in hanging out, but then I think "he probably saw something that I did online or someone we both know in common somehow told him something and now he's done with me. Or maybe he met someone he's more interested in, and will just ignore me now." This type of experience has happened with several guys I've been interested in, and it has actually led to me pushing too hard and making them uncomfortable as I seek certainty, so I'm trying to be aware of that and not engage in that kind of behavior. I also realize that there are like a billion different OCD things in this post, and I'm writing another post as well related to how moral scrupulosity has been controlling my beliefs about sex, etc., something my new therapist identified after one session. Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone has experienced anything along these lines, because when it happens it takes over and it is painful and I just want to rip it out of my head. Additionally, I never quite know how to manage exposure to this type of thing--there is the logical one of not checking social media, and not texting or re-reading texts, but it's also hard because I will actually force myself at times to think about him having sex with people, and then that makes me feel overwhelmed with anxiety, but I also can't suppress the thoughts, as that doesn't work, and am thus trying to do more of an ACT/acceptance approach. Unfortunately my therapist is out of town this week, so we can't work on anything surrounding this until next week. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I apologize that it is so long, but it is just really sucks right now.

Miss.OCD

Date posted: 16w

Let's Chat?!

TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

HOCD, overcoming and going back to the loop

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community