does anyone else spend a ton of time wondering if they are a toxic/manipulative/abusive/etc friend? slash googling qualities of a codependent/otherwise toxic friendship … and i feel like i can’t trust myself to judge whether or not i meet the criteria, since a bad person would probably think too highly of themself/not recognize they are toxic
This has been a thought for myself lately too. To be honest I know I’m a good person but it’s important to analyze your attachment style, mines seems like it’s anxious attachment. With that being said I think that comes with a certain territory of anxiety and codependency.
Thank f* I’m not the only one! I do. It’s terrible! I even thought I could have been manipulative with the abuser who destroyed me for a year, abused me mentally and otherwise and threatened me in several ways and then vandalised the outside of my house. Every time I see one of those narcissist alert pages I can’t help but thinking: that’s me! I did that! And the doubting cycle begins. I keep thinking I’m not socially capable, that I’m a horrible person and that o deserve the worst because I’m shit. Even though I keep getting kicked in the teeth because I’m too nice and helpful and many people have taken advantage of that. But still I think it’s all my fault because maybe me trying to help is just a selfish move and my support is not genuine (even though I never ask for anything in return) or because I’m too much of a wuss to adapt to today’s society. That my pain is worthless and if I try to ask for help I’m just a burden that nobody wants around. Also people around me made me feel that way. Because I’ve never asked for help in my entire life and when I did that’s the response I got. But still I think I’m a bad person for thinking that and it’s still all my fault because I should deal with my shit alone and don’t bother my friends. As a result I’m completely isolated and I am terrified of talking or getting close to anyone because I think that I’m just a burden, a socially incapable person and a useless sack of dirt.
@Amanda Denholm Oof you hit the nail right on the head. I totally relate to what you said, I’ve been feeling this way for a while now since my diagnosis. It’s making me just want to isolate myself and be afraid to date again let alone make anyone really close to me again. With that being said, I know my friends and family love me even though they don’t don’t fully understand the condition they love me. It’s very hard but we gotta give owner selves that compassion we’ve always given back to the world.
@The names Adelbert DON’T do it. Don’t isolate yourself and keep fighting. Because self isolation makes everything a thousand times worse. Admittedly it’s not easy being around us OCD people, but we are worthy of love and compassion nonetheless, so try to be open with the people you trust and are willing to be there for you and cherish them. And for those people who try to use your disease and insecurity against you or for there own advantage or make you feel like a burden for living with this horrible condition, well if they don’t get it F them and don’t look back honestly. I know it’s hard and it brings a lot of pain but you deserve better. But keep the good ones around and meet new people, people you can relate to and make you feel safe and understood. Try not to do what I did because once you dig that hole for yourself and bury yourself deep into it it’s pretty hard to get out. That’s what I’m trying to do, get out of that hole, I’m hopeful and interacting with the rest of you on this app helps a lot. Well sorry, maybe I did sound a little over dramatic or depressing and that was not my intention: what I wanted to tell you is: don’t fall for OCDs trap, you’re worthy of love and compassion and you can be happy and make other people happy. Xox
@Amanda Denholm Nooo you didn’t sound dramatic or depressing at all, on the contrary you actually made me feel very seen and comforted, it feels so natural to just isolate and not be a burden because you just simply don’t want to hurt anyone & what not but I totally get what you said. Been trying really hard to break social conditioning and realize who I really am and get people around me that are like me and accept who I am unconditionally & I think you can too!
recently ive been worrying that im ''secretly'' a narcissist and that im accidentally hurting all of my friends. it really doesnt help that i do relate a bit to some narcisstic traits like having an unstable ego/''needing'' validation, although i suspect it comes from a different source for me (like OCD, maybe?). it also hurts because ive been trying to understand more stigmatized disorders like NPD more and learning more about them so that i don't add to the demonization, but i feel like doing so has also instilled the fear into me that im accidentally harming people i care about or that im not actually a ''good person'' like how i like to think of myself
any of y’all feel like every single thing you say is some sort of manipulation. like you’re not genuine at all and everything you do is to get something out of something? the same with therapists too. i feel like ever since i was a kid i’ve manipulated my therapists in some way, like to look like the victim or so they’d think about me a certain way. like therapy could never help me cause i can’t tell when i’m lying or manipulating or whatever. i’ve seen someone mention something similar on here and just wanted to see what y’all thought!
the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.
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