is it ocd .. or is it true ? :(

In December I got triggered from someone mentioning something about dying in there sleep and I’ve never had this fear before then. I think it’s the fact that I wouldn’t know , and the fact that I could go to sleep and not wake up. but it’s gotten to the point where im wondering if I’ve been “preparing myself“ it’s changed the way I do so many things , like talk , the song lyrics I sing , even listening to singers who died. and watching movies , and everyday I mean everyday my mind tells me “ you’re doing this because you’re gonna die soon” and every time I hangout with people and not to be “ cocky” but people usually like me , and I make everyone laugh. It just makes me think of me dying and all of them reacting because im “ making new friends” to care about me because im gonna die. and I always imagine me in those videos of people posting about there passed friends/family and I full in depth imagine what people would say/post . I also struggle with numbers and things correlating it too “ when I’m gonna die” I don’t know how to explain the feeling i just used to never think twice that it could ever be me dying and affecting everyone. I’m sorry for the rant , I just truly don’t know what to do/think anymore. it’s hurting me so much :(

goggles🧝🏾‍♀️

Date posted: 2y

i'm so sorry. ocd is a monster, it will play off any fear possible. i've had thoughts like that too, but it's all in your head. you're not going anywhere! it's all made up by ocd to keep you in fear. try to ignore the thoughts but don't push them away it makes it worse. we have to learn to live with ocd, but once you stop focusing on everything in your head it becomes easier. remember day by day, good luck❤️.

justsomone1

Date posted: 2y

@goggles Thankyou so much. How are you doing now ?

goggles🧝🏾‍♀️

Date posted: 2y

@justsomone1 i've been better, but don't worry about me

justsomone1

Date posted: 2y

@goggles aw well I am worrying ! Thankyou for reading my post I appreciate you and if you want id love if you’d share your experience

goggles🧝🏾‍♀️

Date posted: 2y

@justsomone1 it's a lot, i'm sorry. well recently, I've been having a bit of a spiral. I've seem to fall back into the trap. mostly pocd & real event. this is an event that im not at all clear on, it took place 6 years ago when i was 12 (i am now 17). i was holding my baby cousin on the couch and using snapchat filters to entertain them per the usual. i used to love doing that, i was always the baby in the family so i was excited to have a baby cousin of my own. and then i think i looked down and noticed my hand was over their diaper area (and they also had on a diaper ofc), and i think i scratched it or rubbed it (ew) because i think of the area. and then i think i repeated the action. idk truly, it happened years ago it's all a blur. i know i would never hurt them, i mean i've been obsessed with them since before they were even born! but i don't have any clear memory of what happened, but i do think it was something like that. i think i was too young to think much of it or see the full spectrum of things because they had a diaper on. but i still feel terrible, this is an old obsession because i almost offed myself 2 years ago because of the same dilemma. the whole thing disgusts me. i've talked to my sister about it, she's a therapist/ social worker. i broke completely down and was crying so hard i could hardly breathe. she told me to calm down, & that i was probably curious and i was young. but i still feel like i sa'ed them, even though i didn't actually touch their privates and definitely had no intentions of it either. i still regret the entire thing, i hate that i can't remember anything either.

justsomone1

Date posted: 2y

@goggles I’ve had a memory that happened with me too , it triggered me with pocd but that isn’t something I struggle with a bunch. my cousin and I , she was maybe 10 or 11 and I was 11 or 12 and we used to “ do things” and I believe I wanted to do it sometimes when she didn’t and it made me feel so disgusting and gross and I just felt the most guilt ever.

goggles🧝🏾‍♀️

Date posted: 2y

@justsomone1 yea i can imagine that being very difficult. but you both were kids, don't beat yourself up about it hun.

justsomone1

Date posted: 2y

@goggles we were , and were completely fine now but I just know it’s a thought that lingers in the back of both of our heads and I’m scared that she’s gonna avoid me ( she hasn’t) but so we’re you , and the fact that you feel appalled by it proves that you did nothing wrong. I believe I’ve had experiences like that too and it makes me feel gross but I was a kid who was sexualized so young and taught things so young. so I try not to beat myself up about it

goggles🧝🏾‍♀️

Date posted: 2y

@justsomone1 thanks, and you're right i definitely was introduced to those things too early in school forsure.

justsomone1

Date posted: 2y

@goggles I try to convince my mind that nothing from the past is relevant. excpecially that long ago I just try my best to live everyday not thinking about the past. cause it truly doesn’t define you , but guilt is the worstttt feeling ever and some nights I get sick of myself and think I’m a monster.

Draykewampler

Date posted: 21w

fear of death and ocd

so i have ocd but this is the main theme ive been dealing with for the last few months, im obsessed with my mortality and i feel trapped by the reality of death. i dont really believe in an afterlife which makes it scarier, not that i dont wanna my brain literally just wont let me. but i have daily panic attacks thinking about death all day, its honestly the toughest thing ive ever dealt with. does anybody have any tips on how they manage this if they have ever dealt with it? not looking for reassurance, just some non compulsive ways to kind of lessen the grip of the fear.

oopiedoop

Date posted: 20w

tw for talk abt death

the concept of death & existence is ruining my life rn 😭 im losing so much sleep. i try to close my eyes & all my brain wants to do is try to wrap itself around the idea of what not existing feels like & i get this sinking feeling that grows & grows until my eyes snap open & i have to go back on my phone to distract myself until im literally too exhausted to keep my head up & my body forces me to sleep. it makes having the motivation to do anything hard because all i can think is "it wont matter when i die". it sucks because i know that having MORE in my life might actually improve this, im 21 unemployed still living at home with ASD & i know once i have a job that will definitely give me more to focus on & other stresses to have lol, but i feel like im stuck in the endless cycle of "not having a life makes me worried im wasting my life & itll all be over so fast" & then "being so stressed about my life & time passing is exhausting & makes it too hard to find the motivation to do anything other than sit here" & repeat. spirituality is hard because i like thinking that way, like afterlife & shit, but i worry that im just "in denial" & using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism that leads to magical thinking thoughts. then its like i have some sort of meta ocd spiral obsessing over if what im doing is bad & unhealthy for my ocd or not. i LIKE being spiritual but im worrying im hurting myself & doing a compulsion thinking that way. it also doesnt help that religious spaces have hurt & traumatized so many people & im terrified of being apart of a "delusional" community that spreads a false narrative & attacks anyone that doesnt agree with them. i know i am not like that but i worry im still apart of the problem even thinking this way. at the end of the day no one knows the truth, no one knows what happens after death. im just struggling to sit with the uncertainty. it is so late rn idk of any of my words make sense lol

This is me!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17w

Aging and death anxiety

I’ve been perturbed for a couple of months now with incessant thoughts about aging and dying. I really am not sure what to do. This feels like other OCD themes, but also really different, because this time, what I’m afraid of is sure to happen. I will either die, or age and then die. It’s been so difficult to enjoy anything lately. I just want to pull a blanket over my head and wait until death comes. Has anyone else felt this way? I feel quite alone. I am trying to enjoy life, but I just remember that it will all be gone in a flash. Nothing really seems to help me feel better. The only escape I have is in my dreams where I can fantasize about never aging or dying. Or at least being able to rewind the clock to have more time.

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is it ocd .. or is it true ? :(

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