- Date posted
- 2y
Feeling like drowning in all themes together??
Can someone pls give me some advice on this.. if its ocd at all.. I dont know where to start but i feel like i dont have ocd to begin with now and i have started therapy and i am feeling numb to maybe everything rn.. i feel stuck so i like a guy or idk we were a thing and now idk where we stand so i have been feeling lost with that and questioning every single thought related to that so idk if thats rocd and then it came to also feeling so depressed that if i was looking at suicidal videos i felt like that could be okay? Why? Idk? Like i was not even scared and earlier i was scared i searched about ideation and ocd but now i dont and that also doesn’t scare me then came the hocd which was my first ever to begin with like i have weird random pop up thoughts that feel so so real and so utterly true like not even anxious about any of it and i dont understand how to deal with it? Like i am not asking for help or reassurance and its making me question the entirety of having ocd to begin with.. and then comes my belief in god and how that is also making me feel all sorts of thing like i question everything from if i take this action will i be reprimanded and if a certain thing is from god or devil and what happens if i give in to the temptation? Will something happen? So i have been going through a lot and i have had 3 therapy sessions my therapist hasn’t mentioned ocd yet and i feel like what if i dont have it and she tells me whatever and everything that felt like ocd in the last few years was just denial? And now suddenly i feel like an imposter in myself.. i have been feeling anxious and depressed and tears just fall out without any notice it feels too much to take at this point i feel theres no point it feels hopeless and worthless and then sometimes the health anxiety hits and you are all together feeling like what happened to me? I need to check the symptoms.. it feels all too much at the same time and earlier i used to do compulsions maybe and now i feel like i dont my only thing to do is if i dont write my thoughts down i feel something in the gut and i just need to write it wherever i may be run from the shower if it takes so and not always do i post them or ask for reassurance or engage in any other compulsion which makes me question having ocd to begin with and even my therapist hasnt said anything about that and i keep seeing all this and all these thoughts with other people as well and they dont make it a big deal or just dont have ocd and deal with it? Whats with me maybe i too dont have ocd and just out of habit do all this the other day i had a sexual ocd kinda thought about body movements of the same sex and how it made me physically feel and i was okay and not anxious and like i was thinking why wasn’t i anxious but that could be just out of habit and denial and not accepting the truth? Like I don’t understand what do i do? I haven’t been diagnosed yet? I dont know if i need medication i dont know if i can handle that? I dont know if in need of being diagnosed with ocd i tell my therapist my symptoms in a particular twisted way cause thats how i think of it? Cause i am scared otherwise and like i have been struggling for more than 3 years now but decided the therapy only after this guy situation so maybe it was never ocd and this guy and my abandonment issues made me take therapy and its actually not ocd and all the above in my life is either denial that i am or just anxiety but not ocd? I feel very confused about my reactions to these intrusive thoughts as well like am i okay with them or are they not intrusive at all just normal thoughts that i normally need to deal with and like with rocd or health its more anxiety and not intrusive so what does one do in that case like thats not intrusive so if its not intrusive normal thoughts cause anxiety and not ocd so maybe its not ocd right? And like even while writing this i feel nothing i feel numb what does one do? I am starting to question the entirety of ocd and my definition of it and what it actually is? I am making it up all in my head..the compulsions and reassurance seeking is also making me question ocd? If I don’t ask for enough do i have it? If i do erp and i am okay with those intrusive thoughts then maybe i never had ocd and that could be a fact.. i feel like i am living a lie and i need some help pls if someone could..