Hey everyone,
Iām reaching out because Iāve been going through one of the hardest mental spirals of my life, and Iām hoping someone can relate or shed light on whatās happening to me.
About 4 months ago, I accidentally came across a trans porn scene. It didnāt do much at the time, but later it triggered this overwhelming intrusive thought: āWhat if Iām gay?ā Since then, itās been absolute hell.
Iāve always been into womenāemotionally, sexually, everything. Iāve been in a long-term relationship with a girl I love deeply. But after that moment, my brain started spiraling into nonstop analysis. I began checking how I felt around men, whether I felt attraction, whether I was in denial, whether I was lying to myself. Literally everything became a test.
I got stuck in this loop:
⢠A thought pops in ā panic
⢠Try to solve it ā brief relief
⢠Another thought ā worse panic
⢠Repeat.
At times, it got so bad I couldnāt feel anything at allātoward my girlfriend, toward women, toward myself. I started doubting everything. Some days, I feel emotionally flat, like Iāve lost my personality. Other days, I wake up with a full-body jolt of ātruthā like āIām definitely gayāāonly for it to fade into numbness again.
Iāve also noticed that I get short bursts of peace when I stop reacting, but then the fear comes back louder, like āSee? Now youāre accepting it. That means itās true.ā
Therapy hasnāt helped much so farāit felt more like general counseling. They told me to sit with the thoughts, but didnāt clarify if this was OCD, identity questioning, or trauma. That just made it worse because now Iām back to thinking āWhat if Iām just rejecting my truth?ā
Iām exhausted. Iāve lost connection to everything I used to love.
⢠I want to love my girl again the way I used to
⢠I want to feel desire without overthinking
⢠I want to trust myself again
Iām not looking for reassuranceāI just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this, and if this sounds like HOCD or identity OCD.
Thanks for reading.