Mike_d

Date posted: 2y

Progress??

We have made it to the month mark and can safely say I’ve been doing a lot better. The mindset has shifted, however i had probably one of the biggest triggers (i feel like) ever for anyone dealing with so-ocd. NOT to get into the in depth context but basically my moms friend who is openly gay shared his entire life basically with me and told me about all the thing he did when he was a child all the way up to now. And he certainly did not hold back 😂 it was graphic, intense. Etc. I’m not in a complete free fall like i feel i usually would be BUT can certainly use words of encouragement 🫣 because i def have been ruminating on the convo, comparing things etc. thanks! Hope all is well with everyone here at NOCD

Mike_d

Date posted: 2y

Well that’s a subjective question, it became “obsessive” around 19-20 but the first time i heard “what if i was gay” was earlier teens but was fleeting? Idk if that makes sense. My girlfriend and i have been together for 3 years, and I’ve told her everything, also helps that she’s a mental health counselor but 🤷‍♂️

Anonymous415

Date posted: 2y

@Michael F That’s what’s up man good to hear that! Does she understand that those thoughts aren’t you and it’s a disorder (ego dystonic).. also have you gotten to the point yet where you’ve been able to accept the fact that ocd is chronic and you may have to live with these thoughts.

Mike_d

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous415 Regardless of understanding or not she’s been extremely supportive She knows the disorder inside and out as well so 🤷‍♂️

Anonymous415

Date posted: 2y

@Michael F No it was just a question! Not getting at her! Was just curious.. definitely must be nice to have her in your corner

Mike_d

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous415 Oh bro i didn’t mean to come off that way 😂 BUT she does understand

Mike_d

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous415 It still is very difficult time to time

Mike_d

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous415 AND sorry i keep forgetting, it does impact sex, intimacy.. bonding (when symptoms are higher) however it’s been getting better with time

Eric23

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

That’s great to hear man I’m going through the same thing when my thoughts flare up it affects intimacy with my girlfriend but it gets better with time.

Mike_d

Date posted: 2y

@Eric R It’s funny, I’m currently (even though i shouldn’t be) trying to understand the phenomenon of why it feels worse when you’ve been doing better for a while vs just doing meh all the time. I’ve been getting blasted with common thoughts of “maybe this is all true, maybe it’s this” Gets you kinda sad but gotta prevail

Eric23

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

You know what you need to do to get through it. You don’t start from square 1 again you’ll find it becomes easier to get through it when it comes up.

Mike_d

Date posted: 2y

@Eric R That’s very true, the bounce back is actually not as hard, i still have the thoughts BUT it’s not like I’m Absokuteky soaked in depression

TJ2

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Michael F This thread has been so helpful to read through. Thank you for bringing this here to discuss. And, dude, way to go facing this exposure and getting through it!! You’re a super hero!

Mike_d

Date posted: 2y

@TJ2 Trying my best to not drown! It’s very hard sometimes with the thoughts feeling real and “this time it’s different” and my personal favorite “straight people don’t have this” which obviously hurts. BUT i shall prevail

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

I’m so glad you have been doing better! Well done for not spiralling into a hot mess! Lol I would be too. I’m addicted to comparing stories, it shows how far you have come! Keep going!

Mike_d

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Ugh it’s the worst! I tried to go with the convo and even ask him stuff about being gay in just some of the crap was like 🤨 so it is what it is

Anonymous415

Date posted: 2y

@Michael F How long have you been suffering from so-ocd bro? How has it affected your relationship or how do you not let it affect it and get in the way

f7nn

Date posted: 24w

My current predicament

Struggling with TOCD has probably been the hardest theme I’ve had to deal with so far For reference. I’m a gay male 20yr old Before this theme I was so open with my gender expression, love drag and used to do it for a time. A lot of my friends are trans women and my whole life is queer When this theme hit. It’s like I completely lost who I was. Questioning everything I enjoyed, not participating in anything because it triggered me so heavily. I went through a whole gender journey awhile back and the trans path never spoke to me when I looked into it. I love my physique and my face but now when I look into the mirror i feel like a shell of who I was. I can’t find any sort of pure enjoyment without the accompanying “what if” or “you’re this” intrusive thought I still enjoy how I look. I’ve not looked in the mirror and felt like anything is missing from me or needs to be taken away I just feel like a spectator in my life while this disease tells me I’m not who I know myself to be I affirm myself every day I know who I am and it may change in the future but that’s not important. It’s highly unlikely it will but it may! Giving into the uncertainty has been so hard but it’s worth it! My ocd has really picked up since getting into my first serious relationship I care about my boyfriend with my whole heart but over the course of our relationship my themes have included Health Relationship Irreality Harm I just want to be who I was again before this current theme it feels unbearable to live like this BUT! I’m seeking appropriate treatment and not giving into a majority of compulsions I just wanted to write this to see if anyone can relate and if they do. Know that you will overcome this! I know I will and you will too

nae nae

Date posted: 20w

Mini vent (sorta)!

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts today, but trying the best I can to keep on living my life 🥲 I'm on 150mg of Sertraline right now, and honestly, I'm feeling a lot better than before. Do I still get triggered? Yes! But I'm handling it easier. The only issue is, I feel like I'm obsessing over recovering? Not if I'm doing it "right," but more so getting to a point where I feel "perfect." That's not possible, I know. Even before OCD spiraled out of control, I struggled with other issues on a daily basis. But life felt simpler back then, and I didn't have this magical (and annoying) ability to remember every single bad thing that's ever happened to me or every single intrusive thought I've ever had in extreme detail 😭 Whenever I'm feeling okay, I can not help but think, "Remember how bad it was (insert time-frame)?" And then my mind zip zaps through every instance I've ever felt anxiety, like...? I don't even know if it's me doing this or if its OCD, but it frustrates me so, so much when it happens. Anyway, that's all for now... If anyone can relate, we're in this together 🤍 Hang in there!

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Any Advice?

Hey everyone, just wanted to post an honest update on where I’m at in my HOCD recovery. Right now, I'm stuck in what feels like a 24/7 spike — nonstop thoughts, intrusive sensations, identity doubts, and hyperfocus. The worst part? It feels real. Like I’ve “lost,” like I’ve accepted it, like I am gay. The thoughts don't feel like anxiety anymore — they feel like truth. I’ve been trying to do ERP, but the spike has been so constant I don’t even have to “do exposures” — the thoughts, feelings, and sensations are just there all day long. It’s like living inside an exposure. And it’s exhausting. BUT — here’s what I’ve been doing (and what I’m sticking to now): I say once: “These thoughts and feelings are welcome to stay for as long as they want.” I let the doubt, the feelings, the hyperfocus exist. I don’t check, test, or analyze — even when it screams at me. I live my life anyway — folding clothes, watching TV, eating, walking — with the storm in my head. Even when it feels 100% real. Even when I’m fully focused on it. I’ve stopped trying to feel better. I’m letting it all burn — and just not fixing it. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like progress.

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