Backdoor spikes confuse me. How long are they supposed to last, I feel I've been in the backdoor spike for a month

Yes. Mental compulsions can be soooo tricky. They are very automatic and we allow them. For example, the fact that you are occasionally checking if your attraction is back is a tiny covert compulsion. They are so tiny and seem so harmless that we don't realize they are hindering our progress. For example, I am in this 4 day challenge with zero compulsions and I just realize how much I would engage in covert compulsions. The right attitude is, as Phillipson says: Irrelevance(Just the way it was before we got into this obsession). An attitude of: Who cares? ---- OCD: You don't have your attraction back!!!! YOU: ???? What? Attraction? What's that? I don't care - I am still gonna enjoy this show watching these beautiful women.

I feel like I've had the back door spike for months to! Can I ask, do you think we do compulsions with out even realising it? Like does it become a habbit? My anxiety is no where near as bad as it once was, but my naturally attraction hasn't come back? Just as I feel like I'm improving, I go back to the beginning.

Sorry to hear that. If that's the case most likely you are doing tiny covert mental compulsions. When you completely disregard the spike won't last longer than a couple of hours. At least that has been my experience with both approaches.

Natural*

Checking and thought erasure are two of my main compulsions but I don't know how to stop them. I do them almost automatically and I do them even more now cause I no anxiety and I can think about them without having a reaction which is what makes them feel even realer. I'm starting to become hopeless. I'm not getting many intrusive thoughts but I still obsess about it 24/7

Have you tried some mindfulness exercises like meditation?

I feel the same, like for example I could be driving down the road, is see someone of the same sex, I'd naturally look at them, doesn't matter they are attractive or not, I just look and notice them all the time! Then I question why I notice them all the time, and because my natural attraction to women hasn't come back, I question that, I guess because there's no anxiety, it makes me wonder even more! I do get intrusive thoughts now and then, but I shrug them off now!

Wanting your identity back is likely causing your distress, I think.

I guess. I haven't stopped doing compulsions but I don't know how to. I don't even know what's supposed to happen after a backdoor spike. Does the anxiety raise up, does it go into remission? It's all a blur

Yes, but I don't know how to do them properly. They calm but I don't know how are they supposed to help me with the rumination. I've tried to detach myself, but I guess it's because I haven't figured out how to them properly yet

It sounds like you are in the last stages of recovery, like me, which can be tricky because of these quick covert compulsions. In my case, starting a mindfulness practice in Zen as helped a lot.

I'd**

@FernandoV being in the last stages of recovery sounds like a dream. But I don't feel like it, kinda. Like the rumination is strong but I'm trying to fight it. And it still feels real tho I get moments when I'm like "this is bull" and then I don't know what's real anymore. I can deal with uncertainty but I just want my identity back. I'm going to therapy so I guess things will look up soon

@rile20 do you still think about it or do you feel like it just when triggered?

That, definitely

@notfortalk I do still think about, some days are better than others, I still get triggers over certain situations as well, yet again some days better than others. But like Fernando said, I may be doing compulsions with out even realising, and I really think that's what I'm doing! You sound like your at the same level at me? With hocd I've noticed it goes through different stages.

Yeah it does, but it's confusing. I still haven't gotten my attraction back and still get the images and they very real. I've tried to look and look at different stages of ocd but to be honest I don't know where to place myself. I still do some compulsions and I truly have no idea how to stop them

I haven't either, i believe that's what's holding me back, I feel a bit better today, and yesterday, but then it changes! I think trying to stop them will almost make you do them even more, because your being thinking about it! I think it will happen naturally? I'm not sure. I just hope that slowly it all goes back to normal, and we will look back and go what the hell?