How my false memory became even more terrifying

I am drowning in my mind and I need some outside perspective or even just someone who may relate a little. I’ve already made a post about some of my story involving false memory ocd, but I figured I would come on here and share what has “reawakened” the issue for the past two years. I had laid off of worrying over my false memory for a few years, but it all started up again with me double checking that no crime/murder/etc had taken place in my town around the time I was struggling with harm ocd. Well, it quickly took a turn when I found an article about a “suspicious” death that had occurred around that time. According to the article, this death was eventually labeled as no foul play (aka not murder). But I still obsessed over this because of how real my worry had felt in the past that I somehow had left my house, hurt/killed someone, came back home and forgot. I searched through all of my activity history (Google, YouTube, Facebook) from around that time. I found a large gap in my Facebook activity (like several days of no activity) which was around the same time during the month the man had died. That only skyrocketed my worries even though I knew I had been struggling which may have been the reason why my activity had gaps (the previous month had a similar one as well). But nope, I continued obsessing and panicking because guess what? My YouTube activity from the weekend prior to when the man was found dead has weird activity (the history shows a gap in between 7pm - 4am on that Saturday). I tried finding a similar gap in the months surrounding, but could only find one that was sort of similar (7pm - 2am). So this led me to come up with the idea that I must have done “it” that night. Keep in mind, I would’ve been a scrawny 14 yr old girl at the time, and I don’t even know what I would’ve done or even could’ve done. That’s all to say — it just feels like my life is some huge lie and that all my fears are true. I don’t want to hurt anybody, and I know that younger me probably didn’t want to either, but how can I ignore what feels like actual proof that I’m a monster? It’s not like my false memories didn’t feel real either, so I can’t even shrug it off at all. I never see anyone have “proof” that their false memory is true, and in fact it’s usually people saying they have proof that it’s not. I’m just so lost, and I feel like I’m just lying to myself despite having been told by multiple therapists that this is just OCD.

Username: VGHVGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I am so sorry you’re struggling. I spent years doing this too and I know how terrible it feels. I know you have an OCD diagnosis, have you had ERP ? A NOCD Therapist would be so helpful for you, it changed my life. I am here to tell you that the very things you are doing to prove to yourself that you “are not a monster” (the researching of your internet activity and trying to figure it out “scrawny 14 yo”etc) are what is keeping this obsession going. These activities are all compulsions and compulsions make OCD worse. As hard as it sounds, it’s about learning to accept uncertainty. A very help book “Needing to know for Sure” by Seif and Winston helped me a lot to understand how my trying to figure it all out and be sure was keeping me stuck. Additionally, NOCD YouTube channel offers so much info on False Memory OCD. I wish you all the best, there is help and hope, you don’t have to live a life where OCD dictates what you do!

Username: worrywart_worrywart_

Date posted: 1y ago

@VGH Thank you for your response :) I have done a little bit of ERP with an OCD specialist, but I eventually stopped seeing that therapist as treatment wasn’t really going anywhere. Since then, I haven’t found another therapist and I am considering finding a therapist through NOCD. I see what you mean by those things being reassurance. It’s just so difficult to not fall into that trap when it feels like I have actual proof that my false memory is real. I have been catching myself lately when I jump to reassurance, but due to how terrifying this situation can feel it’s very hard. Nonetheless, I appreciate your advice Thank you! I wish you well too :)

Username: worrywart_worrywart_

Date posted: 1y ago

For context: my false memory started in 2017, stemming from typical what-ifs and ruminating. I struggled with it from 2017-2018 pretty bad, but mostly had a handle on it from 2019-2021. I started obsessing over this article and my internet activity in 2021.

Username: letsgo

Date posted: 5y ago

TW!! POCD Please help. I’ve been doing decent lately but just need support on something that has kept me stuck. I can’t tell if this is a real memory or not, but I’m pretty sure it is. Maybe distorted. But feels so real. And I’m terrified. Last year before my huge OCD spike. So before I even knew I had OCD. I remember being around kids at work, and this girl in a skirt was on a climber on the playground and I remember looking up and you could see her underwear. I remember staring for a minute, and it was kind of like a car accident, I couldn’t look away. I remember finally coming to my senses and saying I wonder what people would think if they knew I was doing this. After that, I completely forgot about it until my spike in October and I’ve been living in a prison of regret and guilt ever since. I sometimes see that child at work still and I get a rush of anxiety and guilt. I just don’t know how to move pass this, for this reason it gives my OCD proof that I am what I fear so much. Is it possible that I was experiencing intrusive thoughts then and just didn’t care enough or realize it. I’m so broken from this. I hate what I’m going through. I hate myself if this memory is real.

POCD

Username: myocdstory

Date posted: 4y ago

"pOCD and zOCD false memories" I'm so sorry for venting... I need help... Or just someone to lend me an ear. I'm suffering from really serious, really bad false memories that are not only illegal but also make me feel like a monster. Basically, my false memories are extended to these two topics only and are always of a sexual nature. 1. That I used my pets as tools to obtain sexual gratification. (and or touched them) 2. That I touched a child (during an actual real event) inappropriately. I don't have images for these false memories... It's more fears than anything else! I feel like I forgot about them or I'm just in denial. The 1st one comes from a situation where I masturb- near my cat. (she was in my bed but I can't recall where she was standing). There's also another situation that I have also masturb- near my dog but in this case, she wasn't near me. Just in the same room as me, in separate beds. The 2nd is from a real event where I played with this child in the pool. I can only remember one physical interaction that was giving her a piggyback ride. In conclusion, I'm so afraid these are real and if they are real, then I should be punished! I don't want to go to jail because I'm terrified of that place so the only option is to kill myself. I don't deserve to be happy or even alive...

Username: Lunah30

Date posted: 38w ago

POCD,FICTION OR REALITY..?

Hi everyone,this is my first time here(Female),I was kind of skeptical at the beginning,this post will probably be long and I apologize for it,I’ll try to cut the chase as much as I can, So since I was 9 I had OCD,my first intrusive thought was about harming my self and it was extremely traumatizing for a child of that age,not to mention I went trough some other kind of traumas like the fact that I was sexually molested as a kid various times by the same person and really never talked about until i became an adult I kinda got a bit over it,of course with out realizing that it would become one of triggers with ocd and one of my biggest fears of becoming one (Pedo) along with Harm OCD,I started struggling with POCD 6 years ago,it has been a struggle like no other,I have a niece who I would avoid left and right,I also have nephew and I would also avoid him but for some reason it was mainly my niece for some reason,my toughts would get the best of me for days that turn into months and months into years that I would eventually do something totally inappropriate to harm her,at some point that toughts went away and I would feel great being around her and my other nephews,last year I started going trough some other kind of stuff in my life which made fall into deep drinking and smoking weed,this year i unfortunately had a very bad episode as an a couple of months now,where I was in a very dark place with my self and I was totally intoxicated from both substances,that night my niece spend the night at my house,I was super scared because my toughts triggered at 100 + times! It was the craziest trip ever in my life! I didn’t even wanted to enter my room knowing she was there and that I could totally do something inappropriate to her or that could harm her and more because my toughts wouldn’t stop triggering me telling me”do it! You know you want to do a compulsion on her,eventually your gonna do it one day” All kind of nasty scary intrusive thoughts crossed my mind,at one point I could tell the difference of an event that I would consider a hallucination,and I got into bed totally freaked out about it because at that point my mind cannot tell the difference of if I did or not acted on the thought,I can’t really recall much of that night I only somewhat remember getting up from bed(if it was even real) and getting close to her,that’s where my mind turn blank,I don’t know if it was because I went to shock,either my memory suppressed or in reality nothing happened,I totally blacked out and only remember bit to pieces and one of those was when she worked up totally freaked out! Asking for my sister and I told her she wasent here and she just went back to bed,that made me freaked out even more thinking “did I do something to her and can’t recall that moment cause I’m blacking out ?!” And then my next thought was”omg I did do something to her!” All that night I remember going to bed with an extreme anxiety,Hangxiety and extreme paranoia,I was in sweat and all night just thinking “she’s gonna say I did something to her,if I did something to her she’s totally going to say it!” Next morning she woke up just fine like nothing when I’m the one suffering in guilt and disgusted of my self and extreme fear to the point I been wanting to harm my own self because I can’t bare with the idea that I did something to her! I had to vent to a couple of family member and a few of my friends,everyone keeps telling me that out of logic if I “would’ve acted on the tought” she would’ve felt something or woke up but I’m not convinced at all by that,what if she was deep asleep and didn’t feel anything,what if I did do something and I just don’t want to accept it!? My worst fear has become my nightmare alive! Please help ! Has anyone experience this of any kind,I don’t judge I just want to be helped

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