- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
Thank you so much for your answer, it was very helpful. It's very hard to see things clearly when there's a veil (ocd) covering your sight. I've thought before about never trying to figure anything out when I'm in this state of mind, but it's very hard to actually *know* when your mind is getting overwhelmed by ocd, as ocd tends to morph itself to be most effective against you. It feels terrible. My heart beats faster, I start shaking and my mind goes crazy. I fear that if this fear of being a bad person goes away, I'll be left out with the realization that I like women, and I've been denying all proof of that all along. I know it's sounds very... ocd, and as I'm writing this, it feels illegitimate and childish, but this damned veil just won't let me see. And honestly, I'm quite scared of what I'll see once/if it's taken off.
- Date posted
- 6y
You hit a backdoor spike and now you’re relapsing. It’s okay! It happens! Please give yourself some slack. This is NOT an easy path to go down. But you can get through it. While I can’t tell you what your sexuality is, I can tell you that from this side it is clear you’re dealing with OCD with a sexual orientation theme. I always like to share this with SOOCD sufferers that worry they’re gay: https://jackieleasommers.com/tag/homosexual-vs-hocd/ Do you have the ability to see an OCD specialist in your area? I think it could be really great for you. If there isn’t one nearby, many practices offer online or telephone therapy as well. If you can’t go to therapy, I highly recommend buying some books on OCD and a CBT workbook to go through on your own. You should also take some time to learn how to practice mindfulness. It will help you let these thoughts pass through without engaging in them and letting your mind go into an OCD spiral. I can see you’re in crisis right now, so just remember: you’re not alone. You can do this. This feeling will pass. And then it will probably come back and then pass again. I’ve personally overcome SOOCD in the past, so I know it’s possible. You’ve got this!
- Date posted
- 6y
We have so much in comman her difference is your female and I'm Male. I worrie day in day out that I'm living a life. The anxiety that comes with it is very overwhelming and hard to get threw . I sleep and wake up ever 15 mins and little voice says your gay . It's hard to process when you are 32 and have only had sex with opposite sex . The thing with this is to just agree with it and to let it in , I find that hard aswell, but it's how you build up to it keep your head high and be strong . And as for kids and getting married I'm getting married next summer and I have two kids one 4 and one 2 . My wife to be is supportive of this whole deal . No matter how real it feels dont fight it cause it only gets worst cheers
- Date posted
- 6y
Dear Lavander, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's really tough. I hope I won't be giving you reassurance, I'll try not to, it might not even click with you since you seem to be under the OCD spell. My therapist told me that once in a while, when appropriate, it is O.K to talk some sense into people. Here I go: I consider myself to be - let's say, 'not fully straight' (I really hate labels). I have met maaaany people like me who were raised super religious, homophobic and orthodox. I met at least 100 people like that, that is, people who were not 100% straight and at the same time were going through 'reparative therapy' because according to religion it was not O.K to be like that. Well, none of these people as religious as they were were as half as worried about their sexuality as you are about yours. Your worrying about it is extreme and unhealthy, which to me seems like it cannot be anything else but OCD. People like us, 'who are not 100% straight' don't panic about it initially. We might have been somewhat sad sometimes or angry but we knew since very early that we were different - Most of us don't panic at those thoughts. What surprises me a lot is that it seems pretty clear to you what you WANT - if you know what you want, then why worry?! You want a romance with a man and a family with a man and children, etc. Media has scared us a lot about all these 'closeted people'. You are not scared of being gay, you are scared of being a bad person. That's everyone's ultimate fear in this forum.
- Date posted
- 6y
Living a lie sorry ** not living a life
- Date posted
- 6y
@purelife Thank you! I'll give a look at the website you linked. About therapy, it's hard to do it now, and for the next few years to come I'm afraid. I already accepted the fact that until there I'll have to deal with this on my own and with the support of people here, that I'm very grateful that are mostly very kind and helpful. I'm dependent on my parents, and my mom isn't really fond of the idea of getting an OCD specialist. She was getting worried, I was feeling bad for it, so I just let it pass. My parents think I'm fine now, and I think it's for the best. Interestingly, I started getting better once I came to the realization that I'd have to deal with this alone until I could pay for therapy. And about mindfulness, I've seen a lot of people talk about it but I myself don't really know how to do it. Actually, even though I spent a lot of time overanalyzing my own thoughts, meditation and this stuff actually makes me quite scared of what I'm going to find, specially now that my mind is quite twisted. Thank you so much for your words, you're very kind! We need to keep pushing through this, I guess. "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."
- Date posted
- 6y
@dsp Thank you for your kind words as well! I'm sorry you're going through this too, but I'm happy that your thriving despite it all! I'm trying to not give these thoughts meaning and just letting them pass, but sometimes they can get overwhelming, and those are the moments I come here to vent, to get some advice and comfort. I wish you and your family all the best. I hope I will be as fortunate as you in the future.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
Hey everyone. I wanted to share my story and some of the things I have/am experiencing in my journey with OCD- particularly with Sexual Orientation OCD. My goal is not to use this as a means for reassurance for myself or for any other, rather as to be a reminder for myself and you all that you are NOT alone. No matter what you are experiencing you aren’t alone, and we have all gone through the same thoughts and feelings as you, in whatever form they may have been. For personal reasons I will not share my name, but I do want to share about me and my journey with what has truly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I am a 24 year old female and for as long as I’ve remembered I’ve always been a “worrier”. My dad used to tell me that worrying will be the fastest way I’d die lol. Oh! How I wish I could go back to those days of just simply worry. For the past few years I have struggled with what I now know is intrusive thoughts. But, luckily for me they were a little calmer than what I’ve experienced now. They were the occasional worrying that my boyfriend died but I would get over it rather quickly. Well, in may of 2024, I had just graduated college, was about to get married and about to move out. So, that triggered some switch in my brain and thus began this horrible disease of OCD. My main type has been SO-OCD but I have found some moments that I’ve also struggled with ROCD as well as some existential crisis OCD. I have unfortunately not been able to go to therapy because of money but I am on meds and have been using tips and tricks I’ve found online. My goal is to still go to therapy when I can find the right time. And I, like many of you have months of great “freedom” from the disease; and then, like I find myself now, fall back into its trap. I wanted to share some of the things I’ve experienced with this to see if y’all have experienced the same things and to let you know you are not alone. For reference, I am straight (I am happily married to my wonderful husband). 1. Thoughts from the past: I slightly remember having a thought that I’d be gay when I was around 12-13… that was around the time I actually first figured out what that meant. Even then, I (more easily than now) brushed it off. Continued to have about a million crushes on boys and never thought of it again. But now, with my OCD, I feel “convinced” that that was a sign that I was gay. 2. I have always been a girls girl. Me and my friend have a joke that we are worse than men! Meaning that when we see a pretty girl with a nice body, we stare. We say they are pretty. Never have I ever thought anything of it. It was always from a place of envy and admiration. Never a place of lust or anything along those lines. But NOW. OH! If I even look that direction I feel guilty, I feel like that’s confirmation that I am gay. And even worse- that is one of my compulsions. To look and make myself “prove” I’m not gay. 3. I have lost “feeling” for my partner. I love my husband. More than anything else. I could not live without him. But since this all happened, my emotions and fears have been all over the place that I’ve somewhat lost that feeling. It doesn’t help that I’m on medicine that can have that effect. I have to just remind myself that love isn’t always feelings, it’s a choice. And I choose him every single day. 4. sex life issues: bc/ of the OCD fear as well as my medication, I don’t have much sex drive or pleasure in the bedroom as I did before OCD… and, my OCD likes to convince me that that is because I would be better off with a woman (even tho I don’t want that) and then, OH THEN, I proceed to experience some groinal sensation from that though. So- cue even more “proof” that I am gay. well- that’s all I can think of now. Let me know if any one yall struggle with those. And I hope you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OCD 💚
- Date posted
- 20w
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
- Date posted
- 14w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond