Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Thank you so much for your answer, it was very helpful. It's very hard to see things clearly when there's a veil (ocd) covering your sight. I've thought before about never trying to figure anything out when I'm in this state of mind, but it's very hard to actually *know* when your mind is getting overwhelmed by ocd, as ocd tends to morph itself to be most effective against you. It feels terrible. My heart beats faster, I start shaking and my mind goes crazy. I fear that if this fear of being a bad person goes away, I'll be left out with the realization that I like women, and I've been denying all proof of that all along. I know it's sounds very... ocd, and as I'm writing this, it feels illegitimate and childish, but this damned veil just won't let me see. And honestly, I'm quite scared of what I'll see once/if it's taken off.

You hit a backdoor spike and now you’re relapsing. It’s okay! It happens! Please give yourself some slack. This is NOT an easy path to go down. But you can get through it. While I can’t tell you what your sexuality is, I can tell you that from this side it is clear you’re dealing with OCD with a sexual orientation theme. I always like to share this with SOOCD sufferers that worry they’re gay: https://jackieleasommers.com/tag/homosexual-vs-hocd/ Do you have the ability to see an OCD specialist in your area? I think it could be really great for you. If there isn’t one nearby, many practices offer online or telephone therapy as well. If you can’t go to therapy, I highly recommend buying some books on OCD and a CBT workbook to go through on your own. You should also take some time to learn how to practice mindfulness. It will help you let these thoughts pass through without engaging in them and letting your mind go into an OCD spiral. I can see you’re in crisis right now, so just remember: you’re not alone. You can do this. This feeling will pass. And then it will probably come back and then pass again. I’ve personally overcome SOOCD in the past, so I know it’s possible. You’ve got this!

We have so much in comman her difference is your female and I'm Male. I worrie day in day out that I'm living a life. The anxiety that comes with it is very overwhelming and hard to get threw . I sleep and wake up ever 15 mins and little voice says your gay . It's hard to process when you are 32 and have only had sex with opposite sex . The thing with this is to just agree with it and to let it in , I find that hard aswell, but it's how you build up to it keep your head high and be strong . And as for kids and getting married I'm getting married next summer and I have two kids one 4 and one 2 . My wife to be is supportive of this whole deal . No matter how real it feels dont fight it cause it only gets worst cheers

Dear Lavander, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's really tough. I hope I won't be giving you reassurance, I'll try not to, it might not even click with you since you seem to be under the OCD spell. My therapist told me that once in a while, when appropriate, it is O.K to talk some sense into people. Here I go: I consider myself to be - let's say, 'not fully straight' (I really hate labels). I have met maaaany people like me who were raised super religious, homophobic and orthodox. I met at least 100 people like that, that is, people who were not 100% straight and at the same time were going through 'reparative therapy' because according to religion it was not O.K to be like that. Well, none of these people as religious as they were were as half as worried about their sexuality as you are about yours. Your worrying about it is extreme and unhealthy, which to me seems like it cannot be anything else but OCD. People like us, 'who are not 100% straight' don't panic about it initially. We might have been somewhat sad sometimes or angry but we knew since very early that we were different - Most of us don't panic at those thoughts. What surprises me a lot is that it seems pretty clear to you what you WANT - if you know what you want, then why worry?! You want a romance with a man and a family with a man and children, etc. Media has scared us a lot about all these 'closeted people'. You are not scared of being gay, you are scared of being a bad person. That's everyone's ultimate fear in this forum.

Living a lie sorry ** not living a life

@purelife Thank you! I'll give a look at the website you linked. About therapy, it's hard to do it now, and for the next few years to come I'm afraid. I already accepted the fact that until there I'll have to deal with this on my own and with the support of people here, that I'm very grateful that are mostly very kind and helpful. I'm dependent on my parents, and my mom isn't really fond of the idea of getting an OCD specialist. She was getting worried, I was feeling bad for it, so I just let it pass. My parents think I'm fine now, and I think it's for the best. Interestingly, I started getting better once I came to the realization that I'd have to deal with this alone until I could pay for therapy. And about mindfulness, I've seen a lot of people talk about it but I myself don't really know how to do it. Actually, even though I spent a lot of time overanalyzing my own thoughts, meditation and this stuff actually makes me quite scared of what I'm going to find, specially now that my mind is quite twisted. Thank you so much for your words, you're very kind! We need to keep pushing through this, I guess. "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

@dsp Thank you for your kind words as well! I'm sorry you're going through this too, but I'm happy that your thriving despite it all! I'm trying to not give these thoughts meaning and just letting them pass, but sometimes they can get overwhelming, and those are the moments I come here to vent, to get some advice and comfort. I wish you and your family all the best. I hope I will be as fortunate as you in the future.