Might have meta ocd/obsessions?

is this still ocd? Hi all. Last week my ocd has been ramping up. Started with some horror theme and moved to a sensational theme. But now it latched onto something ive never had before. It has not latched onto any theme actually the only thing right now happening is that there is this thought or feeling, not sure how to describe it, but whenever this feeling or thought arises it nullifies all my confidence, motivation, progression, it just takes out all the energy and positivity and replaces it with this feeling of endless sadness, despair, depression, nothingness, this happens within a split Second whenever i think for example; no matter what ill keep trying! And then boom that feeling or thought takes over and its all gone. It's almost as if it's something that will always he there, a 'thing' inside nullifiying anything positive, helpfull, but even emotions of love. I have to emphasize that wahat comes out with this feeling everytime again is the thought; no one in the worldnhas ever hwd thisbweird experience before, its just me. Yes I know other people have ocd, but my mind tells me no one has ever had this 'inner' part which cannot be described because it roes not feel like a thought, an emotion or whatever, just a 'thing' that is there and always will be there. I mean ive had many ocd themes but this would bot categorize under any of those themes, so how can i know this really is ocd?;ive searched the web and forums trough many...many Posts and none of them revolve around this undescribable thing, or whatever it is? Whenever I try and label this thing for myself just as I'm trying in this post, it steps up its game and gives this feeling of nullifying my effort describing it, it basically does the same it does with other things it gives out this feeling of sadness, desperation, depression etc whenever i try to describe it wo i can ask others to help me. Up until now while writing this it feels like this thing keeps going deeper and deeper just to make sure it cant be identified. Am i making any sense? or am i losing my mind?

I think one of my OCD obsessions has become meta… what if my OCD just forever changes subtypes, and it evades treatment? Most of it is existential but worried about getting my subtype wrong or it being treatment resistant.

My new theme is existential ocd and I was doing okay-ish this week until I saw a tik tok last night about death and after death communication and it sent me on a downwards spiral of needing to constantly research and google what happens when we die again and honestly just makes me feel sad in general about it all because of the uncertainty. I feel so disconnected from everyone and I feel scared to even be alone. I have to work tommorow and feel like crying. Then my relationship ocd added with the already feeling disconnected from everyone makes me scared about what if I don't love my partner or like him and it makes me even more distressed. Im so tired of feeling like this, I've had different themes since I was 7 and I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm so sad. I had the worst mental breakdown in decemeber and I still don't think I've fully recovered. I'm on new antidepressants but I'm still sad. I feel I'll never enjoy anything because it'll always be clouded by ocd. This is honestly more of a vent post more than anything but ahh im so tired.