Just trying to let the thoughts pass

The thoughts always try to kick me down with things of the past that happened. Porn messed me up as a person. Not just as a teenager, or an adult, but as a person. I have a lot of guilt and shame about it. There's events I regret. But I'm just trying to focus on what I want to do now. The semester has come to an end, I'm planning to work this summer, and I hope to just take it easy. It's hard to have all of these thoughts, images, and feelings, and I'm just supposed to let them flow naturally.

October12

Date posted: 2y

It IS so hard to just let the thoughts flow. I couldn’t agree more. Something to ease the guilt and shame of the past that I heard is so helpful - there’s a reason the rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big; we aren’t going backwards. Forward it is. Abs when you’re going through hell, just keep going. You don’t have to stop and open the doors in the hall that say “the past”. You’re walking forward! You did the best you could at the time with what you had. Put the bat down. ❤️

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

It's always these same feelings that don't go away. I don't really feel like I can live my life at all. Mood swings are persistent just like the thoughts. Sometimes sleep is a big issue. I'm hoping to just put the bat down and I don't have to pick it up.

bowler5781

Date posted: 2y

Hey, I think I've seen some of your other posts and I feel like I've had similar experiences. What you're doing is amazing trying your hardest, introducing compassion when you can, and taking one day at a time. I don't know how to start a DM or if you even can on this app, but if you ever want to talk together and support each other I'm happy to. Take care and trust yourself, you got this!

October12

Date posted: 2y

@bowler5781 Thank you so much. I don’t know how to do that either. I know you can click on the three little dots on the right and click on follow when I post or something?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

I wish DMs were allowed on the app, but I can understand why they aren't. It would be a never ending cycle for compulsions much like posts are. The closest that we get for those are following people. I never really had the highest self esteem many years ago, but I just feel like I can't forgive myself and that I'm just flat out terrible. I never have any positive thoughts about myself these days

October12

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 Maybe make a list of your positive traits. No one is all good or all bad. We are composed of both.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@October12 I have an old list of things I like about myself. It's just hard to remember when I'm always leaning to the negative and all the things I did wrong

October12

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 Yep. I get that completely.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@October12 I guess this stuff just takes practice. I'm also assuming OCD is what's making this such a problem because I never felt this way about myself before. I never had the highest self esteem in the world but I don't think it was ever this bad.

bowler5781

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 I feel the same way. For me it felt like this slow onset of intrusive thoughts, which led to research, which led to being aware of all the possible compulsions, which led to using those compulsions for reassurance whether consciously or not, and its all culminated into this point.

Anonymous

Date posted: 23w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Intentional intrusive thoughts during pleasure and masterbation

Hey guys today I just wanted to come here and share an experience I have and I generally don't know what to do I feel like a terrible person for having these thoughts and for thinking them I genuinely don't know what to do I don't know the signs behind it and why I think the way I do but it's honestly driving me crazy I don't know what to do I have a pornography addiction for a long time it's where it's like anytime I'm an intimate moment or am masturbating my head just thinks these weird things always the same repetitive thoughts to of family members your younger sibling or a young child I myself am a 17 year old and I feel so disgusted I feel like I can't live my life anymore I feel like I'm a criminal cuz like it feels like I chose this these thoughts like I actively think them I don't know the signs behind it and I just really need professional help if there's any like therapist here that could fill me in that would be nice I would also like to know if you guys had any similar experiences because for me I feel like I have to rewatch pornography and do it right without the thoughts cuz I feel like the thoughts are just like to prevalent anytime I do anything related to masturbation why do I think this way I'm also just trying to be as honest as I can with this I'm not trying to make myself I guess a victim I'm trying to hold myself accountable if I actually am like this because I also have doubts in my head that tells me that I enjoy these things I feel like I'm going crazy someone help because it feels so real like I acted on them or that I was pleasuring myself to the thoughts and not towards the video it's just how can I live with myself you know also during it it felt like I was thinking the thought for a long period of time like it was dominating my head so I couldn't focus it felt l

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

OCD overwhelming thoughts during masterbation

Guys I just wanted to hang up and I was looking at pornography every time I was you know do it and I would get bombarded with thoughts I'd get overwhelmed with them like my mind is just constantly thinking of and it was just so hard infuriating I was looking at like anime pornography and Isaw one of the videos that looks familiar I watched it before but I remember they had like a underage anime character and then I clicked off it as soon as I saw them and my mom said oh you clicked it just so you can see that and what makes it worse is like pretty ejaculation already leaked out so now it feels like I did it i didn't even jerk off to you all I did was see the thumbnail and then I have thoughts like saying oh well might as well already get off to it when it wasnt the content I wanted to see I seen that the thumbnail before in the sight I just ignored it was focusing on the video I wanted to see for now I feel like i have to restart everything not only with the overwhelming thoughts but also my thoughts made it feel like I was actively seeking it like if I want my thought it was like oh you knew it was going to be there but u still click it anyway oh yes I had a feeling but as soon as I saw it I clicked off I don't know I'm just overthinking I guess and also like as soon as I saw it like my mind had a urge like might aswell get off to it finish it very hard I don't even remember how I climaxed I don't even know if I did it right but now I feel like I have to restart

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Just trying to let the thoughts pass

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