- Date posted
- 2y
Sharing is caring and you aren’t alone.
I want to beat OCD bc it ruins my quality of life, makes me distant and avoidant, scared of everything. Literally EVERYTHING. OCD started for me I would say around the age of 9. In our 4th grade class we started to learn about sexual education. More so puberty. But they did mention sexually transmitted diseases. But I just remember so clearly after that my brain was hooked on the idea that HIV was lurking everywhere and blood was dangerous. Which I’m not saying this is not something that can be true….and my heart is with those who deal. Or know someone. But my little 9 year old brain was like yeah I have that. It got so bad to the point where one time I was eating ice cream….cookies and cream. And there was RED in my ice cream. Now it’s probably bc they spilt strawberry sauce or the strawberry flavor got mixed in that tub that day….it was at a busy baseball stadium so it happens right? Well I saw it and my heart sunk….I was with a friend and her mom and dad. I had her mom check my mouth to see if I was bleeding or something…and when she was like very confused and said “um, no….I don’t see anything” instantly I was convinced for a long time I had HIV. This manifested into me ruminating. Being afraid to touch anything. Preparing in my mind that I was going to die. It was a disaster…what was even worse after that thought ended….another took its place. I was convinced I had breast cancer. At 9. So I prepared in my mind that I was going to die and it was over. I wanted to tell someone but keep in mind my mom and dad were both very stand offish….abrasive…and when I came to them about things that scared me in my own child brain they would laugh at me and tell me I’m too sensitive. So after awhile I learned to keep things to myself….but this further put me in a hole throughout my life. Btw I’m almost 30 now. After my first episode, it spiraled off and on. The themes would switch. Someone coming into our house and stealing everything. Or killing my mom. I would check the locks ALOT. Once my mom asked me to make sure I locked the door before my dad came to pick me up for the weekend she was traveling with her, now ex husband. I thought I could handle it. I’m positive I locked the door…but I didn’t go back to check and make sure it really was locked. My entire weekend was ruined at my dads. I sat there in a daze going what if what if what if…and staying in bed until my dad dropped me off that Sunday. I got my first babysitting gig at the age of 11. Couldn’t even change a diaper. Had to have the eldest child do it bc my brain whispered “Michael Jackson….Michael Jackson….Michael Jackson” I never babysat again I was too afraid. Fast forward to today, I have convinced myself I can get pregnant from a toilet or toilet water splashing on me. It’s so bad to the point where I clean the toilet 3 times and wash my hands twice. Even if I’m literally going to pee my pants….it gets so bad to the point where I take excessive amounts of emergency contraceptives. I have now taken 6 total in the past 4 days. I feel physically awful. But I can’t help it. My brain goes what if what if what if. And then when I act on my compulsions, my brain gets a sense of relief like ok I took the plan b but then it switches up on me, like what if that food you just ate reacts with it and makes it less effective and you get pregnant? I currently have strep throat right now as well and I haven’t even been able to take any OTC meds to helps bc I’m afraid it will cancel out the EC. Even tho I’ve researched SEVERAL times that Tylenol will not or ibuprofen. I stay away from any form of intimacy. My partner doesn’t understand. And it makes him very angry and I get it. It’s not him…it’s really not…I’m literally morbidly terrified….I used to seek reassurance from him but now I have researched multiple times in a day “can you get pregnant from a toilet seat?” Bc I’m too embarrassed to tell him. It’s so embarrassing. I wear two pairs of pants bc you just never know if there is bodily fluid on chairs or couches…hahaha right? Not so much. And logically I can understand the improbability. But my OCD has me CONVINCED. This theme has been going on for about a year now. It comes and goes….but it is so strong this week. It started on Sunday. I can’t even use a public bathroom. Can’t use family members toilets if we go to visit. Can’t even use my own toilet in my own home. I will literally hold it so I can clean the toilet 3 times and then wash my hands twice and then consider if I need to go to Walgreens to get plan b. It’s obstructed my sleep. My relationship. My life. I take medications for this too but that’s another thing my OCD attaches to….”what if you start taking your antidepressant and anxiety meds and youre pregnant and it harms the baby?” In February I spent over 100$ on pregnancy tests. Bc I was convinced. It’s really affecting me. I needed to get this out of my mind. I wish I could tell my partner but he has no patience for me and my issues. So I’m here….but I have to remember only I can fix this and get help. I have the resources available but my ocd has ruined that too. Can’t even feel safe to take my meds that my doctor literally just talked to me about in regards to my OCD. She even referred me to behavioral health specialist. Which I get to see in June. But I’m in too deep already. I’m so tired. And I’m also sick so that doesn’t help. I hope we can all heal. I hope we can all end the stigma. I hope we can all get access to compassionate help for whatever our fears are. I hope we can find Jesus bc he can heal this once and for all. This is a life ruiner and I understand. You aren’t alone.