I hear you as I was just as hard on myself for most of my life. A few things:
*Beating yourself up right now might feel natural, and for me, it usually felt like it was either “necessary” or “deserved”, but it’s actually going to accomplish absolutely nothing for you. The best thing you could do right now is to try and be more gentle with yourself and to work to be more of a friend to yourself. Calling yourself names, beating yourself up, lowering your self-esteem, judging yourself, labeling yourself, replaying scenarios you considered awkward and ruminating on what others may have thought (catastrophizing; mind reading), giving yourself arbitrary time limits . . . they’re not going to be as motivating or helpful as you might think, and they’ll actually just be largely counterproductive. Damaging your self-view will create problems you will need to fix and heal from later. Giving yourself compassion is honestly the best way to go right now, and any self judgments you have don’t have to have merit. If a friend called you for advice with the same scenario, would you call them and label them with the same terms you’re calling yourself? My guess is no. It’s just a guess, but I would also wager you’re your own worst critic anyway.
Tell yourself that a better version of you is possible with time and effort, but that version won’t be here by tomorrow, and that’s okay.
I remember being your age, and I felt old for where I was and like I was far behind. Now that I’m a few years into my 30’s, I can see what others were saying about how young 24-30 is. You have plenty of time, and taking time to work on yourself right now is absolutely fine and actually admirable. Try not to put the cart before the horse and worry about being “on time” as that doesn’t exist. If you start dating at 30 or 35, or 43, it’s okay.
(Side note: I can’t stress this even close to what I would consider enough: enjoy the age you are, seriously! The years in my 20’s sped by for me and 30 comes fast. I spend a lot of time now wishing that I could go back to being your age and I waste a lot of time longing for your current level of youth again, which I never appreciated at the time. Remember that. =] )
Your 20’s are full of crossroads and of learning some of the lessons life has to teach. Savor the moment and benefits of being so young because you are. =]
It’s okay and probably the best course of action right now to put some things on the back burner, work on recovery, living in the moment, and enjoying life as you work hard to get to the point where you feel ready to date. Once you’ve reached some goals and made some progress, you’ll be in a better spot to achieve realistic gains from taking some of the risks you’re judging yourself for not taking prematurely in the present.
