My OCD story + guilt

‼️‼️TRIGGER WARNING: contains SH and thoughts about suicide ‼️‼️ Hey! i just joined this app( like 5 minutes ago) after an ad popped up on my instagram, and i thought this app was intriguing. I’ve been dealing with OCD for as long as i could remember, so this app should be a great space for me to let out all my frustrations related to this disorder. so, here is my OCD story as well as some guilt that i felt. Just for reference i am a female high school student living in the US. I was diagnosed with OCD when i was around 7 or 8 years old. it was genetic, my dad had suffered from the disorder and so had my dads dad. i remember early therapy and my early compulsions. some of my more notable ones were touching objects with strictly two hands, having a “lucky” number 5 (i had to do most of my day to day tasks 5 times) and having to walk certain way when walking on brick to tile. it became pretty severe, i remember feeling really anxious most of the my elementary school life. and while kids never made fun of my compulsions in Elementary school, my teachers did, which didn’t help my young impressionable brain at all. my parents were very gracious with my OCD, they gave me the help i needed, like a therapist. with years of therapy and counseling, all my physical and life impacting compulsions went away. after i has overcame that i saw myself “free” of OCD. in my brain, OCD was only physical. that mindset didn’t help me at all in middle school, where i started getting more mental compulsions. these thoughts were less of “you need to do this or else” like before, but more of “you are in love with your math teacher, and you know it. you are so inappropriate and disgusting.” these thoughts are what made me feel like a horrible being, and i wish i had talked to someone who understood the disorder. when i came to high-school, they became more and more violent and grotesque. they slowly turned from me being inappropriate or offensive to thoughts of me hurting myself. they flared up during stressful periods of my life, and died down during calmer ones. after one particularly hard part of my sophomore year, i caved into my compulsions and started self harming. i won’t get into the details here (it’s graphic and this isn’t the place to lay out all that i did). simultaneously, i got thoughts that i could and would kill myself, even though i didn’t want to die. these thoughts and actions consumed my entire life, and even though they were OCD thoughts, i couldn’t grapple the fact that they were. now, as i end my high school experience, i look back and notice all the times i wasn’t informed about my compulsions. not understanding it was OCD only led to more guilt and shame. that was my story! i don’t really know why i decided to type it all out, i just wanted to let someone in this world know it. hope you all have a wonderful day!!