any help welcome please!

@Michie thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and replying, i really appreciate it! but yes it has helped thank you, it just bothers me to think about how long i’ll be sat with these thoughts because this happened nearly a month ago now! but i personally think it’s wrong but my friends are telling me that’s his gaslighting and manipulating has worked and i’ve fallen for it. but like you said to let him go, it’s always been a struggle with anyone for me, would love to know why but i have a feeling it’s to do with my childhood. for example, met this boy 4 years ago and we don’t talk anymore yet i still think of him everyday. like it’s odd and i don’t know why but i can’t bring my self to think of not talking to my current boyfriend again and him getting with someone else hence why i’d rather just put up with the current situation to avoid this. i can’t tell you the amount of people telling me to leave him, my mum told me tonight how i need to and how he’s not a nice person and isn’t welcome here anymore and if i don’t do something about it she will. it’s not great. but thank you again :)

@the1975fan I can’t imagine the position you’re in. I’m sorry this is happening to you, I 100% understand I have abandonment issues that stem from my father and have had major issues with people leaving, I often think of people from my past aswell even though I’m in a very loving and healthy relationship for over a year and a half now. However I have dealt with a manipulative person before and some of the things you mentioned in your post I’ve seen far too often in my own past relationships, it’s hard to move forward from I know that first hand, something that helped me was the saying “I saw the world through rose coloured glasses so all the red flags just looked like flags” meaning you couldn’t see the toxicity because you’re basically blinded by love, I think your loved ones want what’s best for you and I think you should consider what they are telling you and also tell them how you feel explain to them how it’s hard for you and ask them for their input. I think it’s also important to know that people who love you won’t treat you poorly. Sending you all the love!!

@Michie thank you again, i can’t explain to you how much i appreciate your help! it’s sad really, as i explained to my closest friend who is also my cousin (who really despises this boy) that i said i feel like i’m viewing this situation from a third person perspective and have no control over it. i’m so aware that it’s not good and i am being a bit bored of the fact he’s controlling stupid aspects of my life and how, for example if i word a sentence wrong and correct myself, he’ll constantly say ‘are you gaslighting me’ and ‘are you manipulating me’ when it’s so obvious that i’m not and i got my words mixed up. it’s just really odd. my cousin explained to me how it makes her so upset to see as she says and i agree that i used to be so confident and outgoing and such a free spirit and she’s watched this dim because of him. for some reason, whether this is because he’s manipulated me into believing so, or because i don’t want to believe it because i like him? but i just think that’s it’s ‘not that bad’ or just get over it in order to stay with him. sending love back, thank you!! <33

@the1975fan Often manipulators and gaslighters will accuse YOU of doing that to them. Unfortunately this looks like an abusive situation and im sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s hard to leave that situation but I promise you’ll be in a better state because of it and you will find someone who doesn’t make you feel like that! you’re still very young and life changes at the drop of a hat. I didn’t think I would be where I am now when I was 18 and I’ve learned so much from all my experiences but I think maybe looking into how to leave a gaslighting/manipulative relationship may be what’s best for you as your loved ones are stating, it just isn’t healthy for your mental and emotional state you know? And I’m not at all trying to be mean or anything I’m just trying to talk to you as I would my friend

@Michie yes, it all makes sense to be honest! it’s just so difficult because when times are ok i feel as though it’s fine and that i don’t need to leave and this is when my guilt and obsessions come back. and about the experiences of when you were 18, i said the same to my mum as she wants me to leave the situation but i’m just saying i’ll learn from it. and yes, i will do my research, i have done on trauma bonds whether that is the situation too. and no i understand your just trying to help, i’m taking no offence at all, it’s really helping thank you! and one last thing, i have a friend that i met online 3 years ago. we was going to meet but covid and lockdown happened. but we spoke all day every day for so long. however my current boyfriend didn’t like it when he found out that this boy from online was the only boy on my private story (i hadn’t added my boyfriend because he says posting anything is for validation and attention so it would only get me in ‘trouble’). anyways, my mum texted this person who lives in sweden last night and said about me going to see him, but i texted him as it’s not fair for her to keep texting when it’s technically impossible for me to go there right now because it’s unfair on my current boyfriend. anyways, i texted the person from sweden and i explained how i’m with someone but it’s unhealthy and toxic and i won’t be able to see him until this is sorted. and he said about ringing me later to talk about it. but this is where my ocd comes in and i’ll obsess which i am doing now and feel so guilty for talking about him behind his back. i’ve also realised how much i’ve left out of the bad thing my current boyfriend it’s done which isn’t great. thanks again x

@the1975fan So this is ocd here and the best thing to do is sit with the emotions of ok I may or may not be talking behind his back, he may or may not be mad about it but that’s not something I need to figure out or put meaning to. Could I just be talking to a friend about the pain I’m going through? Maybe. Could it be something else more sneaky? Maybe. I have no idea and leave it at that and move on with your day you don’t deserve to be locked in a mental prison and that’s what ocd does. Now about the current boyfriend I know you will learn from it but that doesn’t mean and I’m not telling you to stay and let it happen and tell yourself it will teach you in the future because things can and will get worse if you don’t find a way to get out now. Someone I love dearly was in a situation like yours and his anger quickly turned to physical and for your well-being and safety you need to work out a plan to leave now, with your family and friends. Excusing bad behaviour will not get you anywhere and it won’t get better and I know you may think it will because I thought that but he’s showing you who he is and most likely not even the worst part, I did read you say he told you something and you don’t want to make it worse now I don’t know what that is and I’m not trying to jump to conclusions however a lot of abusive people will talk about unaliving themselves if you leave, I was with someone like this aswell and it scares you into believing they will and you need to save and protect them, however that is NOT your job and is 10000000000% a text book abuse tactic, I had something like this happen to me that I won’t get into because it’s too much but it was traumatizing and it broke me down thinking oh my god this person needs me in their life then I started thinking. Someone who loves me WOULD NOT! Put me through the stress this person just put me through, I sent him a huge voice memo about how I was done and I left him behind and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. And someone who loves you would NOT be doing all the awful things he is doing to you or saying to you or any guilt he is making you feel. No one is worth that

@Michie thank you again for replying. at the beginning you mentioned saying i need to go about my day with the thoughts i’m having. but in terms of what if i am being sneaky and not knowing, should i not sit with this and realise if i am to know i’m in the wrong to stop? but i like that way of thinking for all the other constant thoughts and will use this so thank you for that! and i know, i’m so aware! but i just somehow come back to the same reasons, then being i won’t be able to talk to him anymore, or anyone to go out with. it’s quite sad really. and the worst thing is that i don’t want anyone else to have him?! my reasoning is beyond questionable! after a conversation thst i had with him last night and said to treat me with respect, not to sound like a ‘pick me’ but i did get upset he just watched my cry and said what would you want me to say if you could choose. like what. anyways, he’s pretty much gone back to his old ways. for example, i could just be sensitive and please tell me if it seems like i am but today i told him that there wasn’t a car parking space because i was looking at the wrong part of the road but he saw one. he then proceeded to blame it on me when HE drove past when i told him to stop. and he kept saying it was all my fault. this went on for a while with different things to do with the car parking situation. when i turned round to him and said how he’s putting all the blame on me and how he’s being a tw*t, he said it was just a joke. also, you mentioned how someone that loves me wouldn’t do this. i don’t know why but it got brought up about us loving each other and if we even do because we’ve never said it (as much as this sounds like something from two 13 year olds haha) but he said he doesn’t know what the feeling it. a bit sad really, as i’ve thought this a lot previously but never mind! and the last thing is, this happened about an hour ago but on snapchat i saw his phone and i’m pretty sure there were a few girls on there. okay, fair enough chat to people, but again this probably just reflects how much i trust him and could maybe even be a guilty reflection on me i’m not sure and that i’m projecting this onto him. however, when we were ‘exclusive’ he told me he was ‘keeping other girls sweet’ but claims he wouldn’t do this in a relationship but we can never know! however, point is he’s not been happy when a boy has snapped me who i’ve spoke to for a while. so i stopped because he just proceeded to do what he normally does which is when i provide reason he hysterically laughs. anyways, i now go on to feeling super guilty whenever i text boys and it’s resulted in me only texting one, at a push two friends that are boys. double standards and that’s only one example! thank you again, and my mum had nothing to say to him. he’s really not welcome anymore 🫣

@Michie i will definitely give this a try, funnily enough the person who i feel bad about as i feel as though he likes me (i don’t want to sound big headed but it is slightly obvious unless we’re just really good friends) but he’s currently drunk and has just said sorry for being annoying, you have a boyfriend. now that is something that’s sent me spiralling because i feel as though i’m sat here knowing and entertaining it. but back to the point, and yes my cousin said the same thing. no one will put up with that, which does make sense and idk why i am! and i don’t know why i just want it to work but honestly i’m asking why but i don’t think anyone can answer that. this can’t be love or if it is it must be one sided and/or very f**ked up. and yeah i don’t know if me being pissed about him not saying he loves me is valid only because we’ve not been together ages but then again i don’t know! and are you saying it’s wrong for him to be snapping girls. pretty sure he’s very secretive too of me, he’ll never post me ever. pushing it for me posting him on bereal. but he’s allowing it more recently. but this is what i fear due to my ex that because he kept me hidden he got away with cheating on my ‘friend’. and i’d love to, i really would love to take time out. move away, as i finish my alevels on the 5th of june and tomorrow is leavers. and to just be free for a bit. but i know they’ll be some pain within it so that’s why i’d rather avoid. it’s an on going cycle. and yes, i’ve counted 11 people who aren’t happy with me and him. and that’s everyone who means something to me in my life which is ironic. but you could argue that they ‘don’t see the good times’ but with the amount of disrespect and pain is it really worth it. it’s always ‘what if’s’ with me too. always has been, and one of them is ‘but what if we do get married’ now this may sound incredibly stupid but then this sends me spiralling even more in the sense that i need to ‘confess’ what i’ve done. but yes, i don’t blame you for your opinion, and for what my mum is saying either. it’s just that i don’t know if i don’t want to break up with him as well because everyone’s telling me too. so therefore i don’t want to feel like i’ve been influenced and pushed into a decision that isn’t fully mine to then regret it which i dread to regret things. the trauma bond is a pain, i wish there was some simple steps to overcome this haha. but yeah the parking spot thing proved to me that it’s not even been 24 hours since the conversation about him treating me like shit and he’s already back to his ways. saying that he didn’t even change. he went back to how he is just after the conversation ended. as i got over being upset and i asked a question about one of our friends and who his friend is dating and he was like ‘why are you asking’, ‘why’d you want to talk to me now’, ‘don’t you want to talk to someone else.’ this snapped me straight back into my mood and i wasn’t happy. thank you again, i’m very grateful that you are listening and taking the time to reply. i feel like everyone is getting sick of my shit!

@the1975fan It isn’t love. Love doesn’t feel or act the way you describe and I’m sorry this is happening to you. I understand the worry of regret and I think you should look at it with a maybe maybe not maybe I’ll regret it maybe a I won’t I don’t know for sure. He’s doing ALOT of sketchy shit that isn’t giving me much confidence in his commitment to you or his loyalty to you. I know you’re giving him more loyalty then he is to you. People who care and love you will work on anything that upsets you that they do, they will work on it with you and take your feelings seriously and he’s showing you that he doesn’t think he owes you that or thinks you don’t deserve that. And that F-ed up of him for sure! I really hope you’ll take the advice from your loved ones seriously. 11 people aren’t trying to ruin your relationship, 11 people are trying to save you from this person. Your loved ones would never try to get you to break up with someone who truly loves you and is good for you, keep that in mind!

@Michie awh it’s sad really, i sit there thinking to give him the benefit of the doubt but how many f**king times hahahah. however, im surprised you’ve said about how i’ve given him more loyalty. do you believe this in the sense of what i did at the club? but yes he always has done, there’s been red flags since the get go which i seemed to ignore and now i know in the future to never ever do this again. i’ll definitely take into consideration. maybe even journal to see how he really effects me and to have this written down to look back on. and i know for him to not take my feelings seriously is upsetting because i have done and will do (sadly) anything for this boy for no good reason. because i know that i’d i don’t he won’t be happy and most definitely give me the silent treatment! can’t lie to you i just want to have my own life back and to post on my own instagram without causing shit that’s what pisses me off the most right now 🤣