Is this what we're doing now?

Sigh... I was filling up the keurig to make a tea when suddenly brain goes, "did I forget to wash my hands after going to the washroom last?" Like. Really, brain? YOU are the one making me wash up my forearm every time. YOU are the one making me wash my hands again after doing that exact thing, for fear that the arm recontaminates them. Would I, someone who's been desperately afraid of contaminating others with my bathroom germs since late November (ish) of last year, EVER forget to do something like THAT? I smelled my hands. Scent of the particular soap in my washroom was there. Went up to investigate: the bottom of the sink was wet, and there were "fresh" drips on the countertop. (I recorded this in my journal near the time but I KNOW the doubt will resurface later) I made and drank my tea anyway. Sat with the anxiety for awhile... ended up giving into washing the keurig reservoir and my mug in the sink, lysol wiping a number of other things... I know. It's so far out of character for me to "forget" to do that it is completely absurd. Thing is, I wash my hands up there so frequently that I cannot pick out the specific memory and brain is going to TOWN with that. It's freaking about my clothes being contaminated now... I am not changing. I will wear my robe again. I'm throwing the rest of my coins into the "I did the thing shut up brain" fountain and leaving whatever else it comes up with to "fate". It feels... really horrible, like I'm deliberately inviting my mother's death/illness from contamination of kitchen stuff, but... I also, despite what I've already given into, don't really believe this thought. Yes, it's scary if true, but... it came out of nowhere. Do intrusive thoughts come in this colour too? Daily, I get them with the "did I step in/touch/etc. this nasty thing?" shade, which usually leads to arguing with my brain and other no-nos of anxiety... hm. I feel like I am treading into dangerous territory. Not necessarily that my decision will create what I fear, but if I am doubting memories of doing important washing... will this throw me into a deeper pit, if I cannot even be certain of the measures I take? Even the reasonable ones? Good lord. I'm getting older, but am still too young for a faulty memory like this. Thanks for reading folks. Just had to get this off my chest. I am holding onto the hope that things will be fine and that I won't end up double or triple washing in future just to cement to my fool brain that it was done at all, let alone properly...

Username: Erin PErin P

Date posted: 1y ago

You’ve done a good job of resisting/ delaying compulsions and made good exposure decisions. I’ve so been there with the ocd doubt on stuff ocd makes me do a certain way to get clean or not be decontaminated so I can relate. If you’d like suggestions: Try the following for the thought about future washing and then for whether you have washed enough for the situation you described: https://www.shalanicely.com/aha-moments/erp-scripting-for-ocd/ If you do not have an erp therapist working with you I highly recommend doing so - it helped me not wash for so many things, wash less long and less high (versus always to the elbow or beyond).

Username: Ancient-1Ancient-1

Date posted: 1y ago

Oh thank you! ...I do try similar things that the article suggests, particularly if "what if something has touched my face during bathroom visit"... I like to go, "yep, and I rubbed it all over. Delicious." Sometimes it doesn't work, but hey. Baby steps. The arm thing is part of other cleaning habits due to anatomy, so it's not always unjustified. I can't say I mind doing it all the time, but it evolved from other reasons and I do get anxiety if I think of NOT doing it, so it's a coin toss of an action. It's interesting the article notes becoming/feeling depressed when you "accept" worst case scenarios in scripting as being true. I... believe I have done this. I reached out to my doctor a little while ago for a referral to a psychiatrist, and am waiting on a reply for that. Hopefully it goes somewhere useful. Thank you for your advice, and the read!

Username: Colorado_88Colorado_88

Date posted: 1y ago

Unfortunately, it's part of the OCD, I can wash my legs and feet in the shower, move on to my "shower wash" because I have to wash the walls after personal areas etc, and then forget 5minutes later that I washed, so I started saying in my head "on this date, I washed my legs" even that doesn't work for me, but I also have this issue while washing my hands, trying to perfect the pattern, I have to count to 10 perfectly, but now it's up to like 4-5 times of 10, but 10 is actually 20 times.... This goes on and on for what feels like an hour (usually close to 15minutes) before I can break away and try to calm down, never completely confident that I "succeeded" in getting the "contaminating thought" but back to you, it's totally normal, what we have to remember is germs don't work that way, and our skin protects us, it's not "everything is contaminated because I didn't wash" you can go wash, and be ok, whatever else got touched, is what it is, I can't seem to wrap my mind around this fact, but it's something we both need to practice

Username: Ancient-1Ancient-1

Date posted: 1y ago

Oh I also do the "on this date I did XYZ," particulrly with adding detergent to my laundry, because I doubt I did it IMMEDIATELY after pouring. Sometimes during, because I think I trained my brain to produce that reaction each time. Sometimes I add more, and then I know I did it the first time for sure because I lament the waste of detergent right away. Today I wrote on a post it with the date, how much I put in, and stuck it to the washer after I added the soap, but brain STILL doubted and made the anxiety until I added a little more once again. It's weird. Yep, I can sometimes get around that aspect of germs, but it's when they get into places that they can be ingested--such as when I filled the keurig tank after opening the water bottles to do so--that I get into trouble, but that's not really a hard line to draw. Other stuff? Sometimes ok. Kitchen things? Never. In this case I am drawing a line because of the specific circumstance. I think there's a part of us that does realize we're in the clear and that we did what was necessary, but it gets smothered by the "what if/just in case" fears. We'll get through it. You got this, friend.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

All of this describes so much of my experience with contamination ocd. Why are we so afraid that we are more dirty than the next person and must protect others from our “germs”. Rejection, childhood trauma, wanting to get everything just right so no one has a reason to reject me again is what a I’ve learned applies to me. I want to unlearn the compulsions and doubt that interfere with my life!

Username: Erin PErin P

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Erp can help - it helped me.

Username: BillieD

Date posted: 5y ago

TRIGGER WARNING-Contamination OCD Today started with a crazy amount of stress due to the intrusive thoughts. Have a huge issue with the toilet in general, especially the flushing without the cover on. My brain believes that bacteria and microbes in general will fly from there to me and my things, and causes a big amount of distress. I am trying to be logical with it and understand that nothing will happen. But even the thought of being covered in that makes me wanna clean everything I have and shower. Let’s be clear mum’s bleaches it every day, but still when she does and gets out to continue her chores I’m afraid she carries something that will get on me. I am sorry, this is gross to everybody, but I need to listen to voice of reason, as this is getting every day more difficult to handle.

Contamination OCD

Username: catattak

Date posted: 4y ago

Question about delayed obsessions. Tonight I did my groceries and wiped them all down (contamination ocd) and washed my hands and arms before heading up to shower. As I dried my arms on the hand towel I was feeling really calm. I debated putting the towel in the wash but I was feing confident and said "nah, just deal with it, Cat". Now three hours later I hate that I have been washing and drying my hands with the same towel and touching my phone. I am working really hard to not sanitize my phone. I'm in bed with it now just trying to sit with it. I plan on just sitting with the discomfort. The towel was used on clean hands and fomites are not the major issue with covid 19. Cdc guidelines and no more. My question is, why was I so confident in the moment but three hours later am having the obsessions? It makes me feel like I have to do compulsions even if I think I'm fine because later i will regret not doing it. What's up with that??

Contamination OCD

Username: Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y ago

Fear and Guilt

Hello again. I'm having a bit of a struggle today... I worry about contaminating others with my "bathroom germs", and I know ERP would involve carrying on as normal say, if my shirt gets in my lap when using the washroom and touches an area of my body where there's been waste, but while rationally I know that that kind of thing isn't horrible and there's already "bathroom germs" EVERYWHERE... I am stuck. It feels morally wrong to PURPOSEFULLY go about my day despite knowing I'm "contaminated". I get lots of people don't even wash their HANDS... I don't want to participate in the germ spreading. I don't like knowing that MY grossness could be on someone. It's probably not harmful, but I feel like I don't have the right to do this, like it's disgusting and amoral somehow. A vent, I suppose. I want to start meaningful ERP but I can't get over this. Any advice? (Tagging as trigger just in case.)

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