Is this what we're doing now?

It’s been a while since I’ve posted - I have been doing moderately well. My biggest obsession were false memory obsessions but since getting over that, I can see however my mind trying to grab many different things to obsess on. It has been mainly around intent. When changing my kids or wiping them when they decide they would rather not use the toilet, my mind is so much more attentive to where my hands are and what my thoughts are. And I recently(last night) had a thought that I knew would instantly latch on to me last night when I was wiping my son. And it had to with just gross stuff where I’d wipe him and my mind would connect his butt with like a typical female butt and I’d see it move because I’m wiping him and I’d get these weird thoughts / phrases in my head. And than I had to wipe again because I mean it was everywhere lol. But now I’m like did I wipe him again because of thought and I wanted to see his butt like move? Like I know that in this moment that seems just like junk to me but I can’t help to wonder what was my true intent or whatever in that moment? I know because this has happened a lot these last few weeks, almost like a new theme or way of obsessing. Because I get very guilty over this stuff and I just want to have a normal interaction where I can wipe my kid and not have a thought or even try to fight the thought and than question my intent. I’m trying to be like well that was weird, let’s move on. Anyone know if this is common? I am just trying to see if I need to label this as junk mail?

I don’t have body odor (genitalia), but I had an incident when I was 19 and was on my period. I waited too long to change my napkin and I got a whiff of my scent. It gave me the OCD I have today. I’m 54 and 10yrs over with periods, and just goes to show how the brain can be your worst enemy. You see, I know I don’t smell, and I don’t spend much time showering or laundering, but when I’m public, I think people think, that I think that I can smell myself. Pretty much am fearful that I give off the vibe that I smell. It is Sooooo twisted. I bet most people can’t even understand this. I think “they” are looking at me and judging me and can tell that I am not comfortable with my nether regions. It’s crazy even typing this out. I don’t like crouching, sitting cross legged and other various positions that send me into BIG Time ANXIETY. I can’t think, I sweat, my heart races, I feel like the world is saying “You are so weird. What’s wrong with you. Ewwww!” I did some ERP for a few months, but then I’m fine for a while and then BOOM it comes back. I’m uncomfortable with my body I suppose. And my brain keeps looping on that day when I was 19. Just had to tell my embarrassing story in case someone else feels embarrassed as well. I’m trying to sit with it, haha, sit with it really. But if anyone has something similar to my type of OCD, I’d appreciate your opinions or experience or just acknowledgement. No need for detail if you don’t want to share. Thanks everyone. ❤️

Today I woke up with the intrusive thought „did I harm my dog sexually during the night?“. My brain is specifically relating to the time of 3:57 when I woke up once. From what I remember I only woke up and thought abt going to the toilet but being too lazy and scared of the night so I went back to sleep. But I keep being worried I might have actually been up before that time and done sth. Like I seriously have no Memoires of doing so. Only things that I know were produced by my imagination bc they’re not really possible. I’ve already asked my mother if she had heard me go downstairs at night (we have like some kind of door that keeps you from falling down the stairs which is quite loud to open) but she said she doesn’t know and she hadn’t heard anything and said she’s 100% sure nothing had happened due to how my dog doesn’t seem to care at all and seems to not be scared of me. I’ve also thought abt asking my father and sister but they can’t actually hear anything. Maybe at like 3 am they were up tho for a snack? I know my father often goes to the kitchen at night to eat sth and my sister too. I guess I’ll ask both of them tomorrow. And the thing is that we actually have a camera in our garden which captures a bit of the door where my dog always sleeps and we have a light there so I could’ve been able to check up for my dog in the cameras. Turned out that my parents had turned the camera off at some point. Seems like they only wanted to capture stupid animals hopping onto our car and watching our own family go into the house. Wonderful. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I could now do is either trust my memories and let it go or check for the logic. Last time I was scared I might’ve hurt my dog, I realised that it wasn’t possible for that to have happened and that all of my memories were false. But to be honest, I’m so tired I don’t want to fill 5 days of my life with checking the logic of my obsession. I’ve had multiple su!cide thoughts by now. I’ve spent almost half my day crying. This is my lowest point. I can’t accept the uncertainty. I’m so far in this rn I actually today decided to lock my room from now on and hide my key, take a picture of it to remember it’s exact position and then close the door of the wardrobe I’m hiding it in and putting tape around the openings of the doors from the wardrobe. I seriously don’t want to keep living if this is the life my brain chose to give me.