As soon as I JUST started getting better.. :(

Starting in high school, I became very suicidal, and it became my “safety net” of all went wrong. I know it’s dark, but I was in a really bad head space and I saw suicide as my escape if I couldn’t fix my life. It got to the point where I was constantly thinking about suicide (literally every day, multiple times a day). Over the last year, I’ve gotten better and I think about it less. But then my OCD grabbed hold of it…. Now, if I do something wrong or embarrassing or if I struggle in a social situation (which is often 😅), my mind says “kys”, “jump off a bridge”, and so on. It’s like an automatic response with my OCD and it makes me so uncomfortable… I’m trying to get better. I don’t want to die. Sure, I still get pretty low, but I always push the thoughts away now instead of welcoming them like I used to. But with the intrusive thoughts being nearly constant now, it’s kind of scary. I dont know what to do to make them stop since the intrusive thoughts are just so automatic at the slightest feeling of discomfort. I have a therapist, but I dont know how to bring this up with her. I’m too nervous to even admit to suicidal thoughts, not to mention the intrusive thoughts they’ve turned into. It kind of feels like it’ll never go away.

I have just recently realized that I had SO OCD. This began whenever I was watching porn and had an intrusive thought about the guy in the porn. It was more minor at first, it was a majority of what I was thinking about throughout the day but it didn’t feel as distressing at first. If I had downtime to think about it, it would affect me but if I was just going about my day I wouldn’t notice it. I began going through the compulsions of checking myself. This lasted for a while until another obsession occurred. Then it seemed as if my SO OCD took a step back. I would have flare ups but they would seem to pass. Recently, I had a very bad night of constant compulsions and looking at pictures and imagining things to check myself. After that night it was very distressing, it affected me to the point where people around me began to notice and ask me if I was okay. One of the big reasons I was so upset was my girlfriend, we have been together for over 3 years and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I was thinking “Oh my god, if I am gay I can never be with her.” I would sit and cry about it thinking I would lose her and that might life would change because I was gay. I finally had enough and talked to her and my parents. We did some research and I was so shocked to find out that I had a form of OCD, it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders just knowing that other people have been where I am and that I’m not gay. However, I may have naively expected the compulsions and obsessive thoughts to go away now that I knew I had an actual problem. But I found that the compulsions and thoughts were still there and I was going to put some effort into getting better. I have researched and now know what to do when experiencing intrusive thoughts, yet I still have been performing the compulsions which is just feeding into the OCD. I find myself having intrusive thoughts and then start performing compulsions to see if they are true. What really bothers me is when I have an intrusive thought that tells me that I do like something. But when I think about it I have no desire to pursue those thoughts. However when I feed into the compulsions they just seem to feed into each other. It is like my OCD ignores all the things that I know I like and goes straight to panic mode. I am also trying to do ERP and am going to start doing my best to get better. Does anyone have any tips for not performing the compulsions no matter how anxious you are feeling and no matter how real the intrusive thoughts seem to feel?

I need advice for intrusive thoughts. I used to feel like I could handle them. They weren’t nearly as bad as the things that related to my actual life. But now, I’m suffering. I haven’t had a sexual experience in over a year that didn’t involve constant intrusive thoughts. Most are somehow related to kids and I keep chasing off the thoughts but it’s so bad. I know you’re supposed to ignore them but I don’t know how I can just ignore that and continue what I’m doing. But they’re coming on stronger. I had one earlier I could not get rid of just as things finished so the thought came on strongly just before my orgasm hit and now I feel absolutely disgusting. I hated the thought and I know it’s not me and it was not enjoyable but it still feels like I was getting off to it. I feel sick. I’m so fucking tired of these thoughts. They’re in my every day life too and it’s all the time. I just want it to stop but ignoring it feels so wrong. What should I do?