Pray the Gay Away and TOCD

WARNING: long post that mentions abuse, religious trauma, sexuality, and gender/trans issues. I am writing as I need a space to process what has been a form of mental hell for the past month. There will be lots of details as I seek to understand my own experience more and seek some form of guidance. I am familiar with the work, have done a session with sheryl a few years ago, and I have counsellor (somatic experiencing) that I see regularly. I have just reached out to a clinical psych as I feel like I need the extra support. I have experienced anxiety since I was a teenager. I am currently 32 years old, and a single gay male. I grew up very religious. For the past few years I have been on an extensive healing journey doing whatever I can in order to not be anxious, depressed, and be present to my life. Most people who know me would think I'm a fairly easy going, confident, put together person. I have mostly been able to manage my anxiety, the biggest flare ups coming when I enter into intimate relationships or think about having sex. This past year, the lockdowns afforded me the opportunity to move to the beach, have regular therapy, and sit in silence a lot. I made some huge progress of contacting deep wounds and be able to allow my body to move through the grief. With a trained therapist, did some MDMA and Pysilocibin sessions and for the first time in my life had hope that I could truly be free, or free in my relationship to anxiety. I began experimenting with microdosing mushrooms and was feeling amazing; getting deeper insight into my life, ideas for the future, and even began addressing wounds from previous relationships where I had been cheated on etc. I let go of an ex-partner I had been holding on to, and really felt ready to welcome a new relationship into my life.... and thats when I descended into hell. If I could rewind for a moment, the first time I did psylocibin (magic mushrooms) in the therapist office I essentially relived my birth in graphic detail. Two moments in particular stood out, where I "slammed" into my grown, adult, male body and remember being shocked* that I had this big hairy mans body (I remember talking to my therapist about my mum was expecting a girl). And then after running around her garden feeling like i was born anew, in pure innocence.... I played out some attachment stuff with her which is very typical of my relationships (cuddling, want to be close, then being repulsed and annoyed, back to wanting to be close). We talked about how this played out in my last relationship (which had ended a year ago and I didnt realise i was still grieiving. Anyway, I recall sitting by myself for a moment and this random thought popping into my head "I am a woman and my name is Sarah Agnes". I was like...thats weird. Sarah Agnes is my great grandmother. I told my therapist when she came back from the toilet and then asked "Wait, does this mean I'm trans?!" and she reflected back to my that I looked very displeased with that idea. The session moved on and I didnt think much of it other than "that was weird...I also thought I was seaweed at one point!". As I continued to do my work, I was unpacking lots of shame around being gay man, my desire to open to more of femininity in fashion and spirituality. I unearthed a desire to be "more like the woman" in my relationships...I wanted to be soft, to be cherished, to be held. I have been a youth worker/therapist for most my life (noticing the self-judgement here as I type) and tend to be the more masculine one in dating; taking care of people, being strong, leading etc. I also began relating to "God" as Mother, rather than the traditional Father I had grown up with. I realised a lot of my religious zeal growing up was actually my longing for Mothers love, that oceanic womb like holding. I did another mushroom session, this time by myself (don't do drugs, kids!) and I had a wonderful healing experience, but also lots of just insane ideas, thoughts about knowing things about the future. Again, this thought came into my mind "You are trans. You are a woman" and I quite emphatically said "No. I don't want to do that. I'll do it next life but this life I want to be me a man" and the "voice" replied "there's always a choice". Again, post integration I continued to do my inner work, not really thinking too much about it. I was working more through the shame of being a gay man, and the shame of growing up and currently working in very masculine environments where I had to "butch it up" and not come across too femme or "gay". Even though my family has accepted me (after some horrible unaware comments while i was growing up), I tend to share a more reserved side of myself with them then I do with my gay mates or girlfriends. I began reflecting on those moments in the mushroom sessions and was a bit "this is weird. Why did that pop up?" Then september hit: A best friend of mine who stayed in church informed me her and her husband would start a church, but wasn't sure what their stance was on allowing LGBT+ people to participate. This was very hurtful and triggered a trauma response. I was shaking and crying and very angry. I then watched "Everybodies Talking About Jamie" a show a bout a very femme gay boy who wears a dress to his prom and I just wept through the whole thing, wishing I'd had his confidence and his mum growing up. I then found out my ex, whom I had love for and hoped we would get back together eventually (and tbh, the mushrooms made me believe we would), was seeing someone. I actually thought I handled that well, after processing the grief and anger I had supressed about him cheating many years ago. Honestly, I was feeling SO good after I felt like I had processed much of the above by November. I was sitting in nature for long periods of the day, I was feeling so present in meetings and social situations, I was even looking forward to seeing my family with this new level of embodiment. I spoke to my therapist about being ready for a relationship and really excited for 2022. Then two other things happened. I had a reiki session and during the session started to experience such intense anxiety around my gender. Without prompting, the reiki person said she was working on "past life stuff" where I had been a woman trying to pass as a man and it was "really hard" for her to remove. I began to get very anxious as to why I was having this experience, and what did it mean etc? I had never questioned my gender identity before and had felt very secure in being a man. Sure, I never really got the whole strict category of "man and woman" or "masculine and feminine". I just always was like "well, i'm me! I'm a gay boy who sometimes is more feminine sometimes masculine!". But the reiki session really threw me... I started to wonder why I had been having these experiences? Was I secretly trans and had never been aware? Maybe I was so traumatised as a kid I just buried? What if I am and I have to go through all the trauma I did as a teenager embracing my sexuality? What if I have to come out again? What if it ruins my chance of a relationship? I tried to push it all down and and for the most part succeeded. Then, one beautiful morning, went and had a massage and was was feeling SO relaxed, so at peace, so hopeful for the future. I was like "holy moly all the hard work of the past few years has paid off". I came home from my massage and decided I was going to do one last mushroom trip with the intention of "What stops me fully relaxing? How can I trust the universe more". My intuition said "not today, Mitch"... and I ignored it. I took a dose, which didnt seem to kick in, so I took a bigger dose and then BAM. I was deep in mushrooms grip. I was okay at first, and then i realised it was taking me somewhere dark. I relived EVERY moment as a child, teenager, and adult of feeling like I didnt fit in, there was something "wrong with me", that I was being "straight" or "manly" enough. I relieved moments of being touched when and where I didnt want to, of the isolation of dealing with my sexuality.... Moments in particular that stood out was when I was about 10/11 years old and was going through puberty. I was at the public pool with my dad and a school friend and I very proudly was showing off my "new hair down there" and um..."growth spurt". I could see my dad giving me this ashamed look, like I should be doing that with other men. The other was when I was asking my mother (i think i was 18 or 19) if she would prefer that I was Gay or Trans and she replied "Trans...the idea of two men together makes me stomach crawl". I think at the time I was hoping she'd say "gay" as that was what i was struggling with. I started having panic attacks when my housemate came home (she's a trauma therapist) and she very lovingly held me as I struggled to bring myself back. I then got gripped by the thought "what if I am trans?" and started panicking, asking her for reasurrance. Herself a more masculine butch woman assured me that "while she loved me no matter what, I don't think you are. It's not my place to say, but I would be suprised". I managed to bring myself down and seemed okay. However, the next two weeks were a nightmare of barely eating, wanting to sleep all the time (often with the aid of sleeping pills or valium) and really heightened anxiety. I was falling apart in my therapist room (a different one to the one I had done the "medicine sessions" with). I basically said to her, "If this is real, if this is true, than I don't want to be around. I have suffered enough and I will not go through this again". I wept a lot. Slowly I was able to bring myself back into my body and even managed to stop taking valium or other supports (other than herbal supplments) to sleep and eat again. I was able to function at work (private clients and presenting to large groups) and found that as long as I kept myself busy I was okay. I confided to a mentor of mine (clinical psych) who suggested that I might be experiencing OCD around gender. We reviewed my history and sure enough I realised as a kid I used to obsess over swear words, then as a teenager I obsessed over the idea that I had committed the "unforgiveable sin", then i obsessed over my sexuality and even the idea that I would get into a loving gay relationship and god would "make me straight". Then when i was in intimate relationship the typical relationship anxiety would become my obsession. She said she had just lectured on gender dysphoria and didn't think I met that criteria, and that it was like OCD triggered by the mushrooms. That brought some relief. I have confided in a number of queer friends/mentors of mine...even one I thought to be particularly progressive who have all responded with "We would love you no matter what, and we would tell you if we thought it were true, but I just don't think you are trans". I have been trying reaaaaaally hard not seek assurance. But most days I am waking up with this intense anxiety. I can function and get by without anyone really noticing, but I cry if I talk about the topic. I get triggered by any mention of gender, even pronouns (something I never thought about before). Even hearing my deep voice (something I used to like about myself) can trigger me. I had plans of working on my fitness this year and building back my muscles...triggered lol. Notice a girl is wearing a great dress? Triggered! (Where as previously I would've been an YAS HUNNY YOU LOOK AMAZE!). When I can sit with my anxiety, I can sometimes make space and use Wise Mind. I also sit with the fact I'm 98% certain I am happy in my male body. I have 0% desire to transition physically...in fact, like most basic men, I've always wanted a more muscular body, a deeper voice, a more full beard, and a bigger willy (sorry, had to say it!). But then my mind just goes into its usual bullshit about HOW DO YOU KNOW? Remember at 5 years old you used to like wearing that dress? You don't really like being around straight men...you like hanging with women more. You're just trying to suppress it cause you're a coward...you're just to scared to own this". The anxiety gets triggered especially when I think about dating. That is almost too terrifying to think of. The idea of be relaxed, open, and intimate with a man almost makes me want to vomit from fear. The thought is "when I'm open and relaxed, I'll realise I am woman and ruin the relationship and he'll leave me and I'll be alone forever". I have a session this week with my counsellor, and I have reached out to a clinical Psych who works with OCD. I am trying to avoid medication. I havent touched mushrooms since, though the temptation to microdose is there as thats when i felt my best. I am trying to sit with my feelings, use tapping...but all of this just feels so big and scary right now. My usual space of "going inside" is gone and I am at a loss...almost fearful I'll never recover. *sigh*.

noaarios

Date posted: 2y

Hi, how are you now?

mandeebobandee

Date posted: 25w

Really Struggling

I feel like I'm up against an insurmountable mountain. I'm not new to OCD; I know I've had symptoms since at least the age of 8 (probably earlier to be honest, I just know things really took off when I was 8). I dealt with things with no outside help until I was 17, at which point I began seeing a therapist and began to take celexa. I stuck with that therapist for a couple more years before going about my life, though I continued to take the the celexa. Fast forward to 2018, age 29 - I once again began to see a therapist and had my meds adjusted once more, this time switching to Luvox. I also wound up switching therapists after a year or so, though not by choice - my therapist had a personal crisis come up that necessitated the switch. I still see the same therapist I switched to in 2019. Early 2020 brought with it a couple more med changes, going off the Luvox and onto Cymbalta and Intuniv due to concerns about previously undiagnosed ADHD. This was how things were for five years. I'm not going to say things were perfect- there were undoubtedly bumps in the road - but things felt doable, and I mostly found enjoyment in life. This came to a screeching halt recently. Again, as I said, there were bumps in the road. At first, I thought this was all that this was. When I spoke to my psychiatrist in early February, I started Ativan as I just wanted something to take the edge off a little bit. I also went off of Intuniv as we thought that might be contributing to things. It was Saturday, February 8th when things really started to go off the rails. My boyfriend and I were going on a short trip across the state. An intrusive thought popped up - What if I sleepwalked at the hotel and hurt or even killed my boyfriend? This fear stuck with me through the entire trip. I heaved a sigh of relief as we drove back. I'd soon be safe back at home and I'd put it all behind me. If only. On the ride home, my worries shifted to concerns that I would sleepwalk and do something to my parents, who I live with. I fretted for the majority of the trip back, already making up plans to research the subject and how unlikely it would be that something like that would happen, and I'd tell my parents for good measure. They, of course, assured me that I'd never sleepwalked in the past so it was unlikely I'd do so now. I should also note that this is not a new fear of mine, but one I experienced as early as elementary school, though it had essentially disappeared up until this point, decades later. If only it stopped there. I stopped taking the Ativan Sunday evening in the middle of the trip, my thought being that the Ativan might have contributed to this. My boyfriend, in fact, had a reaction years ago where Klonopin actually sent him into a panic, so it seemed possible that I might be experiencing some sort of paradoxical reaction. I also remained off of the Intuniv. Monday was the day I began experiencing loss of appetite. Monday was also the day when things really began to take off and my life began to truly feel like a waking nightmare. Another horrific image from my past reared it's ugly head - an image of my grabbing a knife from the kitchen and stabbing my mom. An image that has continued to haunt me since - and now its 2 weeks later. There's still a bit more to the story - The day after this began, I went to a local urgent care. I was now not only experiencing these horrible thoughts, but I could barely eat lunch, and my stomach was hurting. I also told my parents the latest turn in how things were going. From the urgent care, I was given a prescription for Omeprazole and Hydroxyzine. The following day, I went to my ordinary doctor's office, where the doctor suspected my increase in anxiety and the associated intrusive thoughts had to do with going off of the Intuniv I'd been taking for five years without tapering, and advised me to immediately resume the Intuniv. He also endorsed continuing the Hydroxyzine, which I was taking at night before bed at this point. I'd hoped that going back on the Intuniv would 'even things out' and I'd be back to normal in no time. The thoughts continued, unfortunately. I had an appointment with my therapist as well as my psychiatrist, who upped my dosage of Intuniv to 3mg instead of 2mg and advised on other medication options should this not help. Though I would like to see both of them more, it's difficult with my work schedule and their busy schedules to find time. As of right now, I'm seeing my therapist once every two weeks. My next appointment with her is this Wednesday. I've also made follow up appointments with my regular doctor's office. Last Wednesday (2/19), I had an appointment with an NP who advised I take the Hydroxyzine three times a day rather than just at bed time, so I've been doing that. I thought it might be helping the first time I took it in the afternoon, though this doesn't seem to be the case with subsequent dosages, unfortunately. I also see her again on Wednesday. I apologize for the long post, but I wanted to share how I got to this point. Things aren't great. I'm trying to enjoy life where I can - I recently played board games with my parents yesterday and went to a restaurant with my boyfriend the day before and felt almost normal, but even in those instances it felt like there was something lurking just beneath the surface. I'm going through life, but it feels like I'm barely surviving. I'm going to work but only because I think I'd be worse at home with absolutely no distractions. I wish there was a switch I could flip and things would be back to normal, where I didn't feel this way. In fact, more often that not, I want to be laying in bed asleep, because you can't think when you're asleep, and it feels like the only refuge at this point. It's hard because home was always my safe place, and my mom one of my safe people - and now this. Anyway, if you made it through this long post, thanks for reading. <3

Harm OCD

SilentWarrio...

Date posted: 23w

TOCD & How to feel comfortable with biological sexe?

I am a man from the Netherlands and I am in my early 40s. When I was 36 years old I became diagnosed with ADHD. At that period of my life I already have had treatment for borderline personality disorder. I might have an impulsive nature due to my ADHD, though unlike many people with BPD I don't act impulsively but I am hindered in my life by indecision and perfectionism. It wouldn't surprise me if I turn out to have OCD. Thanks to a blog from NOCD in which transgender OCD was described it became more clear to me my doubts and anxiety of possibly being a transgender + a coward because of remaining in denial for that, is more likely the cause of OCD. I noticed as well I made progress during the years, because of course it didn't take my doubts away, however I was able to believe dealing with uncertainty probably contributes more to my well-being than finding the answer of my doubts. This specific type of OCD keeps coming back, because it is a fact that I as a homosexual man am very insecure about my masculinity. I had experienced an unsafe childhood with emotional neglect from a mother with autism and also emotional abuse from a father with definitely traits of a narcissistic personality disorder. As an only child who also turns out to have ADHD I felt chronically lonely and grew up with the belief I was a complete failure: not only my actions were wrong, but also my thoughts and emotions. At school I was an outcast. I felt unsafe everywhere. I often escaped into daydreaming and fantasies, because for me it was the only way to bare the reality. As a child I was introvert, anxious and feminine. That's why I developed a feminine alter ego of myself in which I could escape in my fantasies. However I didn't develop an identity align with my biological sexe. When I hit puberty I became worried about it. I was convinced I eventually have to come out of the closet as a transvestite or transgender. I really didn't want that; I wanted to have a stable self-identity align with my biological sexe instead of regularly pretending to be a woman, because I am not a woman. However as you all know very well the suffering is about not having control over yourself. When I was 17 I decided to look for a psychologist, because I definitely didn't want to waste precious years of my life. I assumed a psychologist can help me, because I definitely am not the only homosexual man struggling with his masculinity and sexual orientation. I felt so much ashamed of myself I repeatedly held myself back explaining my problems, though I forced myself to speak up my mind; after all he can't help me if he doesn't know what it's all about. I was very disappointed he replied with "What are you complaining about? Count yourself lucky you live in the Netherlands where you can be yourself." He was bringing up my perfectionism: in my perception he did so because he refused to admit he couldn't help me, so by bringing up something else he still was able to profit about my suffering. Looking back to it now I can understand why he responded like that. Still I think it's disrespectful, because I feel treated in such a way like a disobedient dog that has to learn to obey. I have had a lot of therapists and they regularly responded similarly. What I find striking is that my perfectionism and worrying is one of the first things they notice, but it doesn't occur to them that I may have OCD. I have now signed up for another treatment and at the intake I indicated that I suspect OCD in myself and am open to following exposure therapy, but so far they just don't seem to take it seriously. Over the years, my fears have become less strong. By that I mean that it no longer leads to panic attacks and street fear. The more confident I feel, the more comfortable I feel with my masculinity. But when I feel less good about myself, I get doubts again and especially shame and guilt. It makes me hesitate going to the gym (in the past the gym was too much confrontational) and I cannot at myself in the mirror. I am quite sure my so-called borderline personality disorder at least partly refers to complex PTSD. Actually I don't care anymore which name is assigned to my problems. I just want to be helped. I understand bringing up fears like "Am I transgender or not?" doesn't help me. However it doesn't help me either if they refuse to respond to me. Then I feel like it's some kind of test to observe if I am able to figure it out on my own, and if not then I cannot get better.

Miss.OCD

Date posted: 13w

Let's Chat?!

TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!

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Pray the Gay Away and TOCD

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