SOOCD - the logic of ‘feels true’

@VvVlVvV It’s absolutely yuck. This whole disorder is yuck. You get a random thought that seems odd, that you’ve never worried about nor engaged with before and next minute, it’s like it’s real. That the thought is true. And then everything around you becomes solely about that thought or topic. You find a psych, or an article and they say - this is OCD. It’s irrational thoughts that you give meaning to. AWESOME this is me! So this is how OCD works and you have to do ERP to fix it. Next day - But it feels like I don’t have ocd. It feels like this is real and my thought is correct. So I don’t want to do ERP as it won’t work. Rinse. Repeat. What a yuck condition that makes no sense. Just want me bloody life back you know! Before the thoughts.

@Nica Why can’t I see this? Like. I never had a thought about orientation until this thought. Since then, nothing but anxiety and fear, and my brain trying to prove it’s true and believing it’s true. And with the anxiety and fear, attraction, happiness, drive etc largely gone. Why can’t I see this for ocd? Why is it so hard to see it as just ocd?

@gp Your brain is in the habit of giving into OCD and anxiety. It’s a lot of work to undo that. It took me 6 years to do just that. But it CAN be done, though you need to work hard and also have a sense of humor about it. Because really, if you detach from the “seriousness” of OCD, it’s ridiculous. And then you get to the step of it’s ridiculously funny.

@Nica Hi Nica, how did you manage to ignore the realness/truthful feelings of your thoughts. I assume like most ocd sufferers, there is a part of our brain (especially pre the thought) where we knew who we were. So even though we have given meaning to this thought and fear, there is something left of ourselves that says “this isn’t me”. Even though we can’t be certain it is or isn’t, there is something in us that makes us fight it. How did you go about not giving into the compulsion of rumination. When your brain, body and soul are yelling at you that you have to engage with this. You have to believe the fear. You have to give meaning to the fact you are having the thought and feelings an urges? Did you have a set formula? Or just will power?

@gp I don’t ignore them. I just let them be present in the background and I go about my daily routine. Think of it as a radio station on the lowest level without it being on mute and you knowing it’s there and you can kinda hear it, but you don’t bother with it because there’s no NEED to do so. It’s not hurting you, so let the radio station play.

@gp I’ve had OCD since I was 3 years old when my mom noticed me doing physical compulsions, so there’s no pre-OCD me. Thinking in that way just adds more stress and what does it actually accomplish too? Nothing but distress, so look at the present moment.

@Nica You’ve done so well. What’s your take on the ‘realness’ side of ocd? A part of me says - it only feels real because you (me) gave it meaning when I first had the thought. Then add years of compulsions, you’ve continued to behave like it is real. And the thought “you feel gay, that it’s true” is simply what OCD settled on because it knows that’s what gets me to react. I.e. it’s a lie your brain tells you because it gets a reaction. The other part (anxiety/fear) thinks it’s correct and real. And that I’m just not accepting it. Is this common do you think? Does the above make sense?

@gp OCD’s wants are only as real as you make it out to be.

@Nica Thanks Nica. Is it fair to say not everyone can see OCD as the need for certainty? I get quite confused and triggered when I read that. For me - I had a thought that didn’t make sense (or at least seemed so untrue). I gave it emotion and meaning, essentially believing it was true. Since then, it’s been an ongoing battle re brain saying I’m gay, in denial, try it, and lots of rumination. I’ve lost most of my attraction/drive/joy and just feel anxiety and fear. It’s more like my brain says I am gay, but I don’t want to. I don’t see this as needing certainty. But I don’t know?

@gp Sorry - I meant to add. Am I just misinterpreting this? And despite not seeing it as a search for certainty, it actually is?

@gp At this point you’re seeking reassurance and you need to let it go and accept the uncertainty. What you’re doing now is only making it worse, NOT better.

@Nica It’s so hard not to. Your brain is literally telling you that you are something you don’t want to be. And it does it so much that you have no idea wether you are or not, but the only evidence it sees is proof that you ARE the fear. Why can’t I see this another way?

@gp I suggest seeking out an ERP specialist and doing the therapy with them. You’re going to honestly continue to struggle without some sort of professional help, especially when you seek reassurance so much and so often.

@Nica Thanks, I am seeing an OCD specialist. She’s diagnosed me. We are working through ERP and NERS. I’m just having so much trouble to see this as OCD. The ‘realness’ the ‘believing it’s true’ is so difficult to allow to be there.

@gp It’s difficult at first until you truly realize that fighting is futile and the more you push against OCD, the worse this will become.

@Nica It does seem that way :( I appreciate your comments and gentle pushes. Not looking for reassurance with this one. Did you ever suffer Anhedonia as part of your journey? Or heard others bring it up? My original thought was around “feel nothing for my gf”. I think OCD took over, and not long after I feel I had Anhedonia. I don’t recall being ‘depressed’, just obsessed, but It was like I was unable to feel anything except anxiety. Lost the ability to feel drive/libido/happiness etc. I believe that I used the symptoms of this as “evidence” that brought on my current theme.

@VvVlVvV Far out mate. Why can’t our brains accept this for ocd? Is it because of how real it FEELS?