Date posted: 2y

SOOCD - the logic of ‘feels true’

Can I get peoples thoughts on the logic of ‘ocd feels real’ with a lens of SOOCD? My brain seems to focus on hyper-noticing anything remotely related to me being gay. I identify as a straight 35 year old male, and before my initial “you are gay” thought at 25, I had never given my orientation a second thought. There was just no consideration about it. I’m in therapy trying to commit to ERP. A key factor holding me back is this inner thought that “I just feel gay”. And it feels real, like that I am. From what I’ve read, the real feeling or believing your theme/thought can be common. Is that true? Secondly - my logic goes: OCD is a fear based disorder. It’s a thought that lots of us have, but our ocd says “that thought is danger”. As soon as we give the thought the power of “danger” and engage in it to work out wether it’s true or not, then we conform to our brain that the topic is intact, danger. Hence, your brain will continue to make you want to engage with things that it perceived as a danger. The logic I get stuck with is for SOOCD, is that my brain seems to want to prove that my fear is RIGHT, not wrong. Is this OCD doing whatever it needs to, to prove it’s a real danger so I know I have to do something to fix it? Like, why would my brain try to prove it correct? How do others deal with this?

[Deleted]

Date posted: 2y

Comment deleted by user

Date posted: 2y

@VvVlVvV It’s absolutely yuck. This whole disorder is yuck. You get a random thought that seems odd, that you’ve never worried about nor engaged with before and next minute, it’s like it’s real. That the thought is true. And then everything around you becomes solely about that thought or topic. You find a psych, or an article and they say - this is OCD. It’s irrational thoughts that you give meaning to. AWESOME this is me! So this is how OCD works and you have to do ERP to fix it. Next day - But it feels like I don’t have ocd. It feels like this is real and my thought is correct. So I don’t want to do ERP as it won’t work. Rinse. Repeat. What a yuck condition that makes no sense. Just want me bloody life back you know! Before the thoughts.

Nica

Date posted: 2y

Don’t try to fight OCD. There’s no logic or reason within it, so trying to analyze it or yourself will not make things better. In fact, it’ll just make OCD/this theme worse and worse.

Date posted: 2y

@Nica Why can’t I see this? Like. I never had a thought about orientation until this thought. Since then, nothing but anxiety and fear, and my brain trying to prove it’s true and believing it’s true. And with the anxiety and fear, attraction, happiness, drive etc largely gone. Why can’t I see this for ocd? Why is it so hard to see it as just ocd?

Nica

Date posted: 2y

@gp Your brain is in the habit of giving into OCD and anxiety. It’s a lot of work to undo that. It took me 6 years to do just that. But it CAN be done, though you need to work hard and also have a sense of humor about it. Because really, if you detach from the “seriousness” of OCD, it’s ridiculous. And then you get to the step of it’s ridiculously funny.

Date posted: 2y

@Nica Hi Nica, how did you manage to ignore the realness/truthful feelings of your thoughts. I assume like most ocd sufferers, there is a part of our brain (especially pre the thought) where we knew who we were. So even though we have given meaning to this thought and fear, there is something left of ourselves that says “this isn’t me”. Even though we can’t be certain it is or isn’t, there is something in us that makes us fight it. How did you go about not giving into the compulsion of rumination. When your brain, body and soul are yelling at you that you have to engage with this. You have to believe the fear. You have to give meaning to the fact you are having the thought and feelings an urges? Did you have a set formula? Or just will power?

Nica

Date posted: 2y

@gp I don’t ignore them. I just let them be present in the background and I go about my daily routine. Think of it as a radio station on the lowest level without it being on mute and you knowing it’s there and you can kinda hear it, but you don’t bother with it because there’s no NEED to do so. It’s not hurting you, so let the radio station play.

Nica

Date posted: 2y

@gp I’ve had OCD since I was 3 years old when my mom noticed me doing physical compulsions, so there’s no pre-OCD me. Thinking in that way just adds more stress and what does it actually accomplish too? Nothing but distress, so look at the present moment.

Date posted: 2y

@Nica You’ve done so well. What’s your take on the ‘realness’ side of ocd? A part of me says - it only feels real because you (me) gave it meaning when I first had the thought. Then add years of compulsions, you’ve continued to behave like it is real. And the thought “you feel gay, that it’s true” is simply what OCD settled on because it knows that’s what gets me to react. I.e. it’s a lie your brain tells you because it gets a reaction. The other part (anxiety/fear) thinks it’s correct and real. And that I’m just not accepting it. Is this common do you think? Does the above make sense?

Nica

Date posted: 2y

@gp OCD’s wants are only as real as you make it out to be.

Date posted: 2y

@Nica Thanks Nica. Is it fair to say not everyone can see OCD as the need for certainty? I get quite confused and triggered when I read that. For me - I had a thought that didn’t make sense (or at least seemed so untrue). I gave it emotion and meaning, essentially believing it was true. Since then, it’s been an ongoing battle re brain saying I’m gay, in denial, try it, and lots of rumination. I’ve lost most of my attraction/drive/joy and just feel anxiety and fear. It’s more like my brain says I am gay, but I don’t want to. I don’t see this as needing certainty. But I don’t know?

Date posted: 2y

@gp Sorry - I meant to add. Am I just misinterpreting this? And despite not seeing it as a search for certainty, it actually is?

Nica

Date posted: 2y

@gp At this point you’re seeking reassurance and you need to let it go and accept the uncertainty. What you’re doing now is only making it worse, NOT better.

Date posted: 2y

@Nica It’s so hard not to. Your brain is literally telling you that you are something you don’t want to be. And it does it so much that you have no idea wether you are or not, but the only evidence it sees is proof that you ARE the fear. Why can’t I see this another way?

Nica

Date posted: 2y

@gp I suggest seeking out an ERP specialist and doing the therapy with them. You’re going to honestly continue to struggle without some sort of professional help, especially when you seek reassurance so much and so often.

Date posted: 2y

@Nica Thanks, I am seeing an OCD specialist. She’s diagnosed me. We are working through ERP and NERS. I’m just having so much trouble to see this as OCD. The ‘realness’ the ‘believing it’s true’ is so difficult to allow to be there.

Nica

Date posted: 2y

@gp It’s difficult at first until you truly realize that fighting is futile and the more you push against OCD, the worse this will become.

Date posted: 2y

@Nica It does seem that way :( I appreciate your comments and gentle pushes. Not looking for reassurance with this one. Did you ever suffer Anhedonia as part of your journey? Or heard others bring it up? My original thought was around “feel nothing for my gf”. I think OCD took over, and not long after I feel I had Anhedonia. I don’t recall being ‘depressed’, just obsessed, but It was like I was unable to feel anything except anxiety. Lost the ability to feel drive/libido/happiness etc. I believe that I used the symptoms of this as “evidence” that brought on my current theme.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 2y

Comment deleted by user

Date posted: 2y

@VvVlVvV Far out mate. Why can’t our brains accept this for ocd? Is it because of how real it FEELS?

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I deal with this… sometimes I feel like I’ve accepted that I’m bisexual and the false attractions feel so real. I’m scared to date or get married now cus I feel like a fraud. Why is when I tell myself in my head that I’m straight feels so wrong now?

Wed_Wheel

Date posted: 25w

My SO OCD

I have just recently realized that I had SO OCD. This began whenever I was watching porn and had an intrusive thought about the guy in the porn. It was more minor at first, it was a majority of what I was thinking about throughout the day but it didn’t feel as distressing at first. If I had downtime to think about it, it would affect me but if I was just going about my day I wouldn’t notice it. I began going through the compulsions of checking myself. This lasted for a while until another obsession occurred. Then it seemed as if my SO OCD took a step back. I would have flare ups but they would seem to pass. Recently, I had a very bad night of constant compulsions and looking at pictures and imagining things to check myself. After that night it was very distressing, it affected me to the point where people around me began to notice and ask me if I was okay. One of the big reasons I was so upset was my girlfriend, we have been together for over 3 years and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I was thinking “Oh my god, if I am gay I can never be with her.” I would sit and cry about it thinking I would lose her and that might life would change because I was gay. I finally had enough and talked to her and my parents. We did some research and I was so shocked to find out that I had a form of OCD, it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders just knowing that other people have been where I am and that I’m not gay. However, I may have naively expected the compulsions and obsessive thoughts to go away now that I knew I had an actual problem. But I found that the compulsions and thoughts were still there and I was going to put some effort into getting better. I have researched and now know what to do when experiencing intrusive thoughts, yet I still have been performing the compulsions which is just feeding into the OCD. I find myself having intrusive thoughts and then start performing compulsions to see if they are true. What really bothers me is when I have an intrusive thought that tells me that I do like something. But when I think about it I have no desire to pursue those thoughts. However when I feed into the compulsions they just seem to feed into each other. It is like my OCD ignores all the things that I know I like and goes straight to panic mode. I am also trying to do ERP and am going to start doing my best to get better. Does anyone have any tips for not performing the compulsions no matter how anxious you are feeling and no matter how real the intrusive thoughts seem to feel?

Sexual Orientation OCD

wewillgetthr...

Date posted: 24w

Some things that are making me feel alone

Here are some things that make me feel alone and isolated in my journey with sexual orientation OCD: 1. This feels like a complete identity crisis. I think that is what makes it so hard. It seems to go against everything I believe myself to be and who I always have identified as. 2. My compulsions, thoughts, triggers, and everything else that comes along with this disease feels and seems like I’m the only one that struggles with those things. My thoughts and images in my head often seems so real that it can only be me in denial. 3. Because this sub type of OCD is so sexual in nature, it has made my sex life with my husband, a really hard situation. Because I always get afraid and sex that I will think of these thoughts, I subconsciously then think of those thoughts, and if I have any type of feeling associated with those thoughts, it feels like proof that those thoughts are real and that makes it even harder. 4. Because a lot of the pleasure that comes with sex is on hot for me while I’m figuring out in this journey with OCD, my mind has convinced me that it is because I will only feel those things if I were with someone at the same sex (I am a straight female. I have a fear of being homosexual.). Well, all those things have made it really hard for me to function daily, I am doing a lot better at finding ways to combat those. I wanted to offer some of the things that I find that help me move past these thoughts and while it’s not always a perfect fix, it’s really helped. 1. I tried to remind myself daily that while love is a feeling it’s also choice. I have to remind myself to get up every single day and choose my husband not because I always feel like choosing him because that is who I choose. That is who I want. That is who I want to grow a relationship with to have a child with Thus why I always don’t feel that love, I always choose it. And while this can be really hard because just society as a whole has made us have these unrealistic ideas about what love is and made us think that love is just this huge with butterflies and sparks, it’s not always that. 2. I try to remind myself that these are just thoughts. And thoughts are not who I am. I don’t have to become the thoughts. I’m not a bad person for thinking of thoughts, and I don’t have to believe the thoughts. 3. When I get, like I often do, groinal responses to the things that I am thinking or seeing in my mind I just remind myself that those are responses to the anxiety I have. I’m not thinking those because I want to think those, but it’s in a response too The fear that I will think those and that I will get that response and then in turn I get the response. 4. I tried to remind myself that this isn’t a fear of coming out like if I was gay, this is a fear associated with a thought that I would be because that’s not who I am. If I really was gay, I would like the thought I would like the pleasure and I would be afraid of coming out. But in this situation, I don’t want any of the thoughts not because I’m afraid of coming out of this because it’s not who I am. If that makes sense.

Sexual Orientation OCD

anonymous00001

Date posted: 22w

Looking for “proof” that it’s not OCD

Hey all, I’ve been having some ebbs and flows in recovery, but for the most part I’ve really had a lot of improvements in quality of life since starting treatment in 2023. Something that really trips me up is ruminating on my past and looking for “evidence” or “proof” that the things that I’m obsessed with are real and not OCD. I spend quite a lot of time doing this. I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it until recently. Example: that I’m secretly gay and lying to everyone (I’m bi), that I’m a horrible person deep down, that I’ve never actually loved any person including my family, that I have the “wrong” political or religious beliefs. I look for proof in every corner of my past. It makes some sense that I think this way because with my previous therapist, who I saw for 8 years and did not diagnose me with OCD, we would look for evidence and proof that my obsessions are irrational and I learned to deal with them that way. At the time it was a lot of health concern and contamination themes, but I literally learned to ruminate and search for relief. But I just kept getting sicker and sicker until I got diagnosed with OCD. It’s a frustrating compulsion that keeps showing up for me. What if these scary things are true? What if it’s not OCD at all and I’m in denial? Have I lied my way into thinking I have OCD? It’s so hard. Anyway, I’m curious if anyone else has come across this in recovery? Let me know your thoughts and I hope you’re well. ❤️

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SOOCD - the logic of ‘feels true’

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