Real event/false memory/harm

***Maybe triggering*** My OCD has zoned in on one specific rumination and that is trying to remember if I’ve ever harmed or killed an animal like as a kid. I remember a girl showing me (I was probably 6 or 7) that if you cut a worm in half it turns into two worms and all of that and I remember finding it fascinating. I think we might’ve squished some other bugs too. I’m more worried about the things you see that serial killers did as children like with actual pets/other mammals etc. My OCD is trying so hard to figure this out because in my eyes that would mean I really am a dangerous psychopath and need to be locked up before anyone gets hurt. I have an 11 month old baby boy and all I can think about constantly is that it’s too risky to let go of this obsession because I need to protect him at all costs even if it means protecting him from me. I was extremely deceitful and manipulative too all throughout childhood (I was raised by a borderline mother which I know most likely played a part in this as a learned behavior). But to me it’s evidence that I could be an awful terrible person and maybe even psychopathic. My therapist is out of town :( Help 💔 i’ve started going back to doing compulsions like constantly researching and seeking reassurance, etc. It feels impossible not to, and that the risk is too high.

SK12Yippp00

Date posted: 2y

Your not a danger to your kid. I assure you that your not psychotic. Your were fascinated by something someone told you as a child, that doesn’t make you a psycho. I promise you that you aren’t a bad person for being curious as a child.

SK12Yippp00

Date posted: 2y

@Vinnie_1221 *You were

tylerm

Date posted: 2y

@Vinnie_1221 I’ve been trying to remember if I’ve ever killed anyone for MONTHS because I had a nightmare about burying a body. It’s been the craziest rabbit hole I’ve ever been down with ocd if it is ocd😭

tylerm

Date posted: 2y

@Vinnie_1221 I’ve had false memories pop up, real ones, realizations about my character or actions that have freaked me out.. still haven’t actually remembered killing anyone or wanting to but now it’s just every day what if you killed an animal that would mean your whole life that you’ve spent loving animals was all a lie and you’re really a serial killer psychopath awful person and your family isn’t safe with you

McDucko

Date posted: 2y

In the future try to avoid compulsions. These seem like they'll give you help if you can just figure them out but they make OCD so much worse. This disorder is lying to you. You don't need it and it isn't protecting you. What happens to us as people with OCD is the part of our brain which warns if danger never turns off, so you'll get instances like this where you think you are protecting something when in reality you're over reacting to a non-issue. The best thing you can do with these thoughts is listen to them, acknowledge that they're OCD thoughts and mean nothing, and continue with what you're doing. Belittling and cursing at the thoughts can help too "f*ck you OCD, you're such a waste of my time". Stuff like that. If you're really struggling medication make ERP so much easier to do. Pair that with diet, exercise, and a good support system and this will get better.

tylerm

Date posted: 2y

I don’t ever want to end up like one of the moms on the news or even worse not be caught for hurting my child or anything of the sort. I feel like my hyper vigilance is the only thing keeping everyone safe but I also know that the energy it takes out of me isn’t sustainable

McDucko

Date posted: 2y

I get that you feel that way, but you do realize deep down that your disorder is lying to you, right? You acknowledge you suffer from OCD?

tylerm

Date posted: 2y

@McDucko Yes and no. When I start to think maybe it is just ocd I panic because I’m worried I’m in denial or lying to myself

McDucko

Date posted: 2y

@tylerm Do you have an OCD specialist? They're more qualified to explain what is happening with you than most community members here. I think hearing it from one would provide you great insight into the lies OCD is able to fabricate.

tylerm

Date posted: 2y

@McDucko Yes I do see a specialist

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

laladracu

Date posted: 13w

idk if its harm ocd anymore

I dont know whats going on. I dont know if its OCD anymore. I know it was in the beginning. Ive been through a lot of trauma and had one little scary thought of killing my sister 4 months ago that has blossomed into this giant idea of me being a serial killer and wanting to hurt everyone (I never had any social issues growing up but I have had some trauma). Recently I’ve been having urges to just give in. And my mental images have been horrible and I can’t stop checking if I like them or not. I think I’ve convinced myself I have. This morning I woke up a shaking mess with an urge to unalive my family and when my mom left for work I was alone with my sister and couldnt stop vomiting uncontrollably. I dont know if i’m upset because I cant hurt anyone and I want to, or if I’m scared and just want my old life back. I was an avid horror and gore lover and now I’m convinced I want to do the things I’ve seen in the movies. Someone please help. I’m ready to check into the psych ward.

Harm OCD

roszip-0toMd...

Date posted: 13w

Please help!!!

TW! please someone comment When I was 12 or 13 I used to babysit a little girl, she had a habit of keeping her hand in her diaper and was always touching herself, there was one point I was changing her diaper and noticed she was really red. I had separated her private parts and checked the inner area for signs of infection. She was okay, just some really really bad diaper rash. I know this is what happened yet my brain is trying to convince me that I hurt her, and that I wanted to do it, I know I would never hurt a child but with all the anxiety I feel when I think about it I'm starting to wonder if I did do it because I wanted to hurt her, I don't wanna be a p, I don't wanna hurt innocent children, I used to never have these thoughts but now I do and I'm so scared to tell my therapist as she hasn't diagnosed me with ocd yet. I don't want her to think I'm a p nor do I wanna hurt kids, but my brain keeps telling me that I do and that I'm just lying to myself and everyone around me, ik I would never do something that could harm a child but I keep getting these thoughts and their inappropriate and I just want them to stop, does anyone have any tips on how to help myself? I keep turning to my boyfriend for reassurance but ik that that's just a quick fix and that ill be spiraling about it again.Please help

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Real event/false memory/harm

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