Struggling with OCD and ROCD; seeking advice to improve my situation.

Unsure what to do.

Here we go again. That’s all it feels like. Just one big circle. I was doing much better but it seems like it’s this endless rollercoaster. There was a time in my life where OCD didn’t exist. I used to be care free and (still have plenty of issues trying to resolve with therapy don’t get me wrong) but it wasn’t like this. I have met this person who is truly the love of my life. The support, love, and giving kind of relationship we have is unlike anything I’ve ever known or even thought truly existed… and I’m ruining it. Not only does this man congratulate my small wins with me with my contamination OCD but also tries to understand as much as he can just so he can support and be there for me better. Somehow, someway I have now developed another form or encountered a for of ROCD. I’m acknowledging another form of something I do desperately need to conquer snd remove from my life. I feel so defeated and depressed to the point I really don’t see the point anymore. I have a great man who deserves none of this headache to begin with.. this is my battle not his and yet he has taken on thsi and willingly no less. I have always been confident. There should be no reason for insecurities in myself or us. But they are here, right now. Could it be a normal fix? Can it be something worked on.. if so, what does the ERP look like? I want to get better for me… but for him and my family as well. I’m tired of being this way, this person who has so many issues that never end, never stop. I try really hard to control my emotions and thoughts and it’s exhausting. I’m just tired and done with my own self and I either need advice and hope or I just don’t know what I’ll be able to handle anymore

Username: VGHVGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, I know how difficult OCD can be. There is hope, there is treatment, you don't have to feel this way. I strongly encourage you to reach out to NOCD for therapy. It was life changing for me. If that is not an option for you dive into NOCD's YouTube videos on relationship OCD or ROCD. There is a ton of info on there. You will discover the very things you are doing to relieve the distress you feel, are, in fact, the things that keep the OCD cycle going. Life you said, OCD is one big circle or loop. You have a thought that brings great distress, you do a behavior (sometimes the behavior is just thinking about your thought) you may get some relief, but as soon as another doubt pops in your mind you must repeat the cycle. This is the OCD Loop we get stuck in. The way out of the cycle is ERP, exposure response prevention. When you have a distressing thought about your relationship, what happens? Do you direct attention to the thought? Do you try to figure it out, solve the problem, prevent the problem from happening in the future? These are all compulsions. These behaviors keep the cycle going. The Response Prevention part of ERP would be to allow the thoughts to be there. You're not going to be able to "get rid of them" you can't unthink them. Allow them, label them as OCD, don't try to disprove them. Take them with you as you do things you value. You value your relationship, allow the thoughts to be there while you engage in time with your boyfriend. Every time the thoughts pop in your mind "nope, not going there" redirect back to what's in front of you. It will be difficult, you will want to make it stop, figure it out etc. But if you pay attention to those thoughts you actually reinforce them and make them stronger. This may help https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/relationship-ocd?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=NOCD_PM_US&gclid=Cj0KCQjwtamlBhD3ARIsAARoaExZzxlYuqvykIAG7-u6Rv3-n3wGTrfKQNz6gINYjWkuToBXobt2UVMaAmsxEALw_wcB

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@VGH Thank you! Pushing into discomfort is not new to me but in regards to a highly emotional relationship it’s almost impossible to not want to leave the relationship (even though I don’t want to) because of these thoughts

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Anon!!!!!!!! OCD IS A TRICKY,CLEVER MONSTER. I’ve had OCD for 35 years. Mine morphed into various forms too. I met an amazing man who started as my friend then boyfriend and now husband for 23 years. He knew about my struggle the first week we met and just like your boyfriend…… he was and is an amazing pillar of strength and support. I promise you that you will feel good again. You can get to the point where OCD is just a little static in the background and /or it can be gone for long periods. I can go almost a year without it then have a flare. The flares last only days to a few weeks. I use medication, exercise, spirit, the brain lock method and will be starting ERPT to help limit my flares. I promise, girl. You can do it too

Username: VGHVGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

What it looks like for me is acting “as if”. I label the thoughts/fears as OCD and I act “as if” I didn’t have the thoughts/fears. Of course, this doesn’t feel good and the thoughts and feelings hang around (for a bit). I know this sounds difficult, but here is the secret, if you truly don’t do compulsions, don’t do behaviors that relieve your distress, you actually do get clarity, you do feel better, back to how you used to be. When I notice I’m stuck, the cycle is repeating, I honestly ask myself, am I compulsing-am I trying to solve a problem, figure something out? Am I sad, afraid and spending time trying to figure that out? If I’m doing those things, I say to myself “if I didn’t have OCD, what would I be doing right now, in this moment?” It wouldn’t be trying to solve a problem or trying to remember how it used to be, it would be let me enjoy this moment. My therapist explained to me doing comes before feeling. Don’t wait to feel good, to be sure, before you do something. Doing comes first, feelings will follow. Hang in there, it takes practice BUT it is worth the hard work, you will get your life back. I got mine back after 35+ years of untreated OCD. You will not only be like you were before, I think I am better. The skills you use to fight OCD will help with being engaged in your life in a much more authentic way. No one has a perfect life, there are always bumps in the road, but ERP skills allow you to handle all life throws at you. My life now, is much more fulfilling on the other side of OCD. Think of it this way, if you didn’t have OCD, would your life be perfect? There are always things that come up. Things you can’t control or be certain about. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your life to the fullest. Take care and keep pushing forward. I was where you are, and my life is so much better now❤️

Username: VGHVGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m so glad it was helpful ❤️. Hang in there, this is hard work, but you can and will recover!

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Thanks for the reply! I guess it’s comforting that it morphed and fluctuates for other people as well. I just hate that I’ve lived most of my life not like this and trying to potentially accept the fact that this could be forever is an instant gut wrenching feeling that I don’t think I can accept. I can’t keep doing these same loops this is not who I was and it’s a very frustrating feeling to say the least. I know it can get better but the initial thoughts and urges to fix is the issue, that’s the exhausting part. Always having to be mindful and “on” to tackle this… it’s not okay.. How can I push in to discomfort when doubting the man I’m with. What does that look like for you? He is always observant for his own safety noticing everyone for legitimate and valid safety concerns but god forbid there’s a woman that I think he would like or think is attractive. This is when my loop begins and I want to end our relationship bc it’s not fair to him and I get EXTREMELY overwhelmed and can’t bear the thoughts

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I would like to say thank you so much for this! Gave me a lot of hope and direction which had been a struggle since having OCD spike in the past few months. I like this “as if” a lot and i will remind myself to review this every-time I have an occurrence. Thank you for taking the time and doing this for me!💗

Username: Sunny4

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Help

Im in a really difficult place. I have had ROCD symptoms ever since dating my now husband. My doubts began to be about my love for him, is he the one, etc. When we got engaged and before that I was also filled with questions about what do I want with my life and fears of getting married keeping me from fulfilling/exploring my dreams. Fast forward and we have been married for 2 years. I still had those doubts but developed a fear of sex (had sex related ocd themes as a teenager) and this has made intimacy hard and put a strain on our relationship. We have been doing couples therapy for intimacy but it hasnt really helped. I am thinking I need ERP help, because even without physical intimacy, I am still filled with fears related to sex that I obsess over. The strain of all this and my intrusive thoughts have also led me to contemplate divorce. These intrusive thoughts have left me feeling depressed, loss of appetite, unable to sleep. Recently my husband expressed sadness about our lack of intimacy and my doubts about wanting to have kids (his big dream). It triggered even more anxiety and I kept thinking, should we just end this now? I have no energy to plan for kids and one of my obsessions is "do I really want kids? What if I dont?" I didnt dare say that though, I dont want to hurt him and I do love him, he is what I would want in a life partner. But I am struggling so much with my anxiety that its making it hard for me to function. How do I handle all of this when it feels so real and when there seem to be actual reasons for giving up on our relationship (fear of engaging in sex, not sure if I want kids). I would love to have the type of carefree life I see other couples have but I cant deal with all this. I feel stuck, dont want to do something I regret. My worst fear is hurting him. I have struggled to see all this as OCD since it overlaps with life things that feel so real. Wouldnt it make sense to call it quits if sex is problematic? But my thinking is obsessive and I have a history of OCD. Why do I keep feeling like giving up on us and how do I turn this around? Its hard.

Username: Brendan =]

Date posted: 1y ago

Triggering conversation “planning” our next steps.

Was having an okay day today after a few rough ones with ROCD. My partner came to me today to show me houses that he likes in our area which are available for renting. Our apartment lease is up in June and he was talking, like he has been, about our next steps as a couple and how he’d prefer to rent a house together rather than to stay in the nice 2-bedroom apartment we now live in. His ideas became more detailed, how we’d rent for a few years and save before getting a mortgage and moving into a purchased house together. He’s very very into me and treats me so well. For example, I’ve recently come down with celiac disease and now we both have to live in a gluten-free household for life. I told him how sorry I am about this change and how unfair it is to him. He responds “I don’t care- I have you- and that’s all I care about” 🥲 I’m lucky to have someone who has pretty much committed to me for life and accepts me exactly how I am, and always supports me and helps me. The problem is I’m really struggling with ROCD and to feel at all in love with him. (The breakup urges have been brutal this week.) Anyhoo, back to today. I’m laying there listening to his thoughtful and sweet ideas about how we could make a nice property-that he has pictures of- even better for me (he knows I’m a perfectionist, and that I’m into clean lines, expensive-looking design, and am picky about hotels) and I’m trying to just get past the huge anxiety spike. I’m trying to get to the point where I can look at him without scrutinizing his appearance and can feel something besides distress when we’re spending time together. (Love would be nice . . . and new.) I think I am doing a few compulsions as I tend to have automatic thoughts where answers just pop into my head . . . either rating his appearance, if I want to lose him, if I could even bring myself to break his heart, if I’m staying to keep him from pain and am actually unhappy, if I could deal with him not being in my life; if I’d rather be alone, if I’m attracted. The answers go back and forth. I’ve always felt like there was some barrier between us and our connection, and I can’t break through it and fall for him. I know a lot of this screams textbook ROCD but it’s impossible to believe there isn’t truth to it to some degree. I’ve been getting so lost in trying to figure out if we’re actually a fit; if I could be happy for the rest of my life in this relationship. I know entertaining these questions is compulsive, and a horrible idea but I’m having trouble pulling back. As for another worry- I am in a nice apartment complex and a little over a year ago this place changed owners. The new owners are far more uptight and changed a lot of qualification policies. My income isn’t high enough to qualify for this place anymore, so if I move out I really can’t get back in. (I can renew my lease annually without an application or verifying proof of income, so, if I wanted, I could live in this complex forever- as long as I never leave.) I’m in ERP but am not doing the best job of keeping up with the exposures (partially due to being busy with everything happening with Christmas coming up, and partially due to fear). I know, it’s bad to not be doing ERP, and I blame nobody but myself, but motivation is not happening right now. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. =] Sorry for the novel. >_<

Relationship OCD

Username: Carolll35

Date posted: 1y ago

If you have ROCD read this.

I have rocd. It’s the worst feeling being with the love of your life and having these thoughts. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and few months and I just wish this disorder wasn’t even a thing. From the start of us being together I knew and felt he was perfect and EVERYTHING I’ve always wanted. I had thoughts about everything you can name of. If I love him or not, do I like other people instead, if he’s ugly, if I like him only because of his looks, comparing other relationships, if he did one thing off or different question if I really know him, thought he was a different person then what I really knew him for, believing and having the thoughts every single one feel real. It’s a nightmare. Because I would literally die on the instead from telling him these things when he never did anything. I have gotten much better with the love, and looks and all that but there’s always new “targets” as me and him say. It’s like I can never truly run away. I think of how easy it is for others in relationships since they don’t have this and I just want that with him. It’s been a year and a few months and yes we’ve went through hell and back and a lot of things have gotten better but not fully. Hopefully soon enough they will and EVRYTHING will be much better. I just want him. I can’t do anything without him like he’s really the first person I only ever imagined a future with. A future that I wanted to be married and have kids and just live a beautiful life with. I want his pain and suffering to end with all these thoughts he’s heard throughout the year. I never mean to hurt him. I never mean to break him. I just want him. I can’t lose him. If you have ROCD, it’s good your here. Get help, get support, talk to someone about this because it will get better. I’ve had my amazing days. 4 days straight! I never had that before but I lost it and trying to get it back. I know I will, just gotta keep trying hard. My boyfriend helps me so much by supporting and telling me “Your ocd is not you, these thoughts aren’t you, ocd attacks anything you care about.” I couldn’t be more lucky to have him. I’m the luckiest girl alive. He makes me feel that way and I just want this to be over already. I love him so much. Idk if this helps anyone with ROCD, but you’re not alone. Search up videos the help understand, pay attention and watch what you can do to fix it because it is. I’m not there yet but I will not give up, so everyone out there with any type of OCD. We can do this. Confidence is key. Don’t give up. We’re all here to help one another, and ofc regular support with friends family and definitely therapy.

Relationship OCD

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Struggling with OCD and ROCD; seeking advice to improve my situation.

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