I just don’t know

Ugh I was driving home and something happened that reminded me of a intimate detail of my ex and then I started to think about recalling that detail at another time but at the same time my obsession of pocd is about his son (🤮) and it’s been driving me crazy anyways the thought went to that and at the time I’m panicking and I was like no it’s not that and then when I got home I wrote stuff down bc if I don’t I’ll forget and panic and I need to explain stuff anyways as I was explaining stuff this is what I wrote “If I don’t panic over ^ (other note) then it’s like i like it in but if I do panic it’s like you know that’s not u at all like it isn’t thinking thoughts doesn’t make u a bad person (that’s me coping and saying it’s just thought when u let intrusive go on longer to see what) but naa man this is coping it’s not reality bc I’d never ever think that, see again it’s coping no f off i’d never ever think that I can’t even say these thoughts out loud like Uno I explained it wrong but Uno when u let ur thoughts go on idk I did it wrong and now it’s making me panic bc I made an excuse but it’s not it’s to cope like I said bc I was thinking about me and kadz and other ppl saying about thoughts and they’re just thoughts and “it’s normal to think about stuff bc they’re thoughts” “ the end. I don’t know why I thought that tho why did I actually think even having that thought and thinking it is okay if u let ur intrusive thoughts or curiosity carry on as if it’s normal to think that because it most definitely is not but I made an excuse and when I comprehend what the thought was I was disgusted with myself and thought never ever would you ever think that. It’s making me panic a lot what does that mean does it mean i am what I fear I am, why did I make excuses for such a disgusting thought when in reality normal rational me would shudder and never think that. Ugh I can’t deal with this. Side note: putting me notes out there really shows me how messed up pocd is. If that’s what it is and not reality :(

CopingwithOCD

Date posted: 2y

Hi, so first off just so you know, I struggle with POCD as well. I completely understand these questions you’re having and how debilitating it really is. Questioning if you’re a bad person or even if you like these thoughts can be so scary and traumatizing. Now, if you really liked these thoughts or wanted to act on them, you would not be on this app right now trying to receive help. You have a disorder which is hard. You are doing hard things, so to get emotional and have breakdowns is okay. one thing I will say is allow all these thoughts and panic go through your body. Allow your intrusive thoughts to flow on, and carry on with your day. I know it’s harder said than done, but just keep trying, over and over again. Your recovery is not linear, and you can’t expect that you’re going to just be okay overnight, I really wish it were that easy. If it was easy, we all wouldn’t be here on this app or with therapists asking for help. The OCD monster wants you to feel ashamed and disgusted at yourself. It feeds off of your negative emotions and thoughts. Do not try to cave into mental compulsions of trying to “defend yourself.” At the end of the day, it will have you do this every hour of your days. Allow those thoughts to flow right in; continue with whatever you were doing and give it uncertainty. Try this “yeah maybe I do like these thoughts, who knows. I don’t.” OCD feeds off of your certainty or trying to gain certainty of things. Don’t let it. Uncertainty always. Your recovery is not linear, and you are going to be okay. It gets better, I promise.

iyz7

Date posted: 2y

@CopingwithOCD It was such a bad thought that I justified and rationalised having saying others would say it’s just a thought and it’s normal to think whilst writing that I comprehended what I was writing and the actual thought and was so shocked and disgusted honestly it baffled me because without me going thru this pocd right now I would never ever justify that thought I wouldn’t even let that thought even finish. It just cements even further that I can’t ever reconcile with my ex ever if he knew all of this 😭. It’s the fact that intrusive thoughts was there and for some reason I justified having it like what even. Ugh but I realised as I was writing it and rationalising it and could not believe it. Does the ‘maybe I do or don’t’ help you? It just scares me to say maybe I am because every time I try it I get scared and say I’m not admitting that!! Thank you for ur words tho it does help a lot 😊

CopingwithOCD

Date posted: 2y

@iyz7 Honestly, saying “this will or will not happen” scared me so bad the first time. I was absolutely terrified because it made me feel like I “liked” the thoughts or “accepted” them. As I progressed, I realized that from saying the phrase I was not as anxiety filled. I was hanging out with my family or I was able to be around my friends, or go to the store. Writing it down could also I help. When I was dealing with my harm intrusive thoughts, my therapist had me write “I am a killer” over and over again until my anxiety went down. I was so scared, but it helped me so much that I can say that and I feel no anxiety whatsoever. Sometimes writing down the thoughts over and over again can help as well. They will feel like nothing to you once you see it written down. I also use humor with my OCD. One thing I say is “yes OCD, i am this giant pedo who needs to be locked up.” Using humor helps at times too, instead of making it serious. You have to remember as well, intrusive thoughts are simply that: intrusive. We don’t actually want them there, but when someone has OCD we try to justify or rationalize these thoughts so it makes sense what you’re going through. I know recovery isn’t easy, I still have really bad days or weeks or months, but you can do it. It’s possible.

iyz7

Date posted: 2y

@CopingwithOCD The thing is idk what it is maybe it stems from some weird luck thing or idk but sometimes I feel like my brain is against me as tho it isn’t me like. Like my ocd does both directions so if I don’t do something I am a p8do but if I do it I am also a p… so I’m just left utterly confused and I don’t have a gut feeling an instinct it never has been useful to me whatsoever rather the opposite I also am very indecisive so that makes it worse so even if I do the ‘it won’t happen if u do this’ it still soemthing life altering earth shattering pocd related happens and I’m left confused. Ugh but seeing what’s been helping you I’ll try and apply that. It is really hard but sometimes I do get hope thanks!

CopingwithOCD

Date posted: 2y

@iyz7 I mean you just perfectly described what OCD actually is. It makes you question yourself CONSTANTLY. It makes you second guess every choice you make unfortunately. OCD doesn’t necessarily need to stem from anything in general. None of my family members have OCD or any mental health issues to begin with. It’s not something that needs an explanation. The sooner you can understand that, you will be able to begin recovery. I’ve had anxiety all day, but I still saw my 2 year old nephew because if I let the intrusive thoughts stop me, then I will never be able to even get out of my bed.

iyz7

Date posted: 2y

@CopingwithOCD Hearing that first line helps a lot. It’s so bad bc naturally I question everything but only the bad things I’m not book smart intelligent to scrutinise and discover rather it’s only mental health related which is lovely !!! My mum had ocd when she was pregnant with me and I’ve had similar themes to her so I see the genetic link. But sometimes I need that explanation I’m so curios about the human brain and how it adapts and changes due to exposure to things like depraved stuff I feel like I’d like it if I watched it as a coping mechanism simply to me when I hear f’kd up stuff I ponder over how they could like it do it etc like I find it crazy to think about and I think my brain adapts to cope and dissociates bc true me would never like that but morbid curiosity gets the better of me. That’s why it scares me bc what r humans truly capable of. But that’s true I’ve been struggling with some stuff but I just can’t not do certain stuff

Anonymousssssss

Date posted: 21w

Help

I deal pretty heavily with this. The last couple days, I’ve had what I think are urges. Something pops into my head intrusively and then what stems from that is me WANTING to just indulge in it even though it’s gross. I get worried bc I used to struggle w thoughts about my dad for a long time until eventually I just purposely thought of him while self pleasuring and got off to it. While that’s something I did, it is NOT me. It all stemmed from my mental health declining a couple years back, I was never this way before. So I get worried that it almost happened or might happen with my pocd cuz I could never live with myself if it did.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 19w

It feels more real than ever right now :(

I know I am going a bit cuckoo because my period is coming up, but lately it feels like every intrusive thought I have, I *like* it. Like I genuinely feel like I like it, and then I immediately panic because I start checking. Mentally, emotionally, whatever it is. And I know that is a compulsion. I *know* that. But it feels so real that I cannot stop myself. Every single time I check, it still feels like I like the thought, and it is driving me absolutely insane. It is especially the POCD thoughts. They feel so real. I feel like something is going on mentally, like some kind of confusion or glitch, because I swear I was not like this before. I would have intrusive thoughts, and they would feel real, but not *this* real. And I do not even know if this is normal. I know OCD is **supposed** to feel convincing. That is the whole thing. But I have never experienced it to this extreme. I have never gotten the same thought so many times and still felt like, “Oh my God, I did enjoy it,” even after checking a million times. It is like no matter how many times I check, it feels like I liked it. Especially during intimacy :( and it is making me lose it. Then I start thinking, “Well, I am in distress, so maybe that is proof it is not actually me.” But right after, I am like, “What if I am only panicking because I care about what society thinks and not because I actually have morals?” And then I spiral again, wondering if maybe I just care about how I am seen rather than who I am. I am panicking so much no today. I had to take my Xanax today for the first time in two months, and I needed three separate doses. I really need some support right now.

please44I

Date posted: 10w

Pocd

Why am I not anxious? Like at all anymore? Is it because I'm really avoiding and trying not to think of the consequences that come from possibly being a pdfile? Is the only thing that is worrying me about it is the consequences then does it mean that I really am one? But I never masturbated to the thought of a child and actively seeked it. It came as intrusive thoughts while I was doing it yes I've had them when I see kids yes and I question and check a lot if I'm attracted to them and its just confusing me, I know I'll never do anything to hurt a child and I don't even like the idea of becoming a pdfile then why am I not anxious enough about it? The thoughts are just distressing obsessive I feel disgusting and Id say I still do compulsions but I don't know something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel anything and no real attraction to anyone or anything anymore. I just feel so disgusting and I just want to be normal but then again I pretty much did this to myself. It's weird to me I know there isn't a real indication I'm a pdfile and past experiences pretty much prove that and I've always been attracted to older guys so why is this happening now? Why am I getting these thoughts now especially right after I was trying to fix this sexual obsession/tension I had for older guys. Is my brain just leaving one thing to love and be obsessed about and going to the other? I'm really really just confused. Not anxious just distressed confused and uncomfortable. Like I want to throw up but I don't feel intense anxiety in my chest it feels like maybe I haven't processed what's going on properly. I'm genuinely so confused and I don't want to have this stay in my mind. Sometimes I just miss my ex so much because at the time I've felt something I felt so much things even though I had really bad rocd. I just miss loving people again and being alive again. I'm so scared and confused right now can anyone explain to me what is this? I genuinely just want to understand what I'm feeling or thinking because its not making sense to me

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