- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
Scared to death
Hey everyone. Yesterday was difficult, today I feel slightly better. I’m really upset because I KNOW I shouldn’t be compulsively researching stuff on Google, but I read this thing that says there are women that are a 100% straight and don’t feel absolutely anything for any woman. So it just makes me wonder, what about aesthetic attraction?? Aesthetic attraction to me feels like something. Idk how to describe it. It’s like a feeling that you get when you look at someone that is attractive. I feel it in my chest so maybe it’s like anxiety mixed with pleasure? Idk why I feel some physical response but I don’t like it. That’s what made me get upset. I feel this, so am I not 100% straight?? I don’t wanna be bi or gay, even if I was I wouldn’t wanna act on it. Even though my brain and body feel like they want to but I DON’T. Bi or gay labels don’t resonate with me, so I will not act on it. Mix all this with the false attractions that don’t feel false, and the unwanted sexual responses your body has and it literally makes up enough “proof” that my worst fear is true. I wanna be with my bf forever, and marry him and have children. That’s been my dream ever since I was a little kid. I think my fear stems from there and also the fact that I would be terrified to be alone in life. I just want to be completely straight, soooo badly. I do not wanna be with a woman in any way. Just thinking about sex or romance with one makes me feel upset and wanna cry and literally kms because I hold my relationship so dear and it’s literally the most important thing in my life. Even my body has these disgust responses but it’s like my brain likes the thoughts and feelings. Ugh idk I really just needed to vent. Sorry if it’s too long. Hope y’all are having a good day.