Worrying about spiraling again / TW Rant

I haven’t made in a post in a bit but I’m currently getting super bad intrusive thoughts and they all are different one of them is about a real event that happened when I was a child that caused me extreme distress because of how warped my brain makes the situation to be. The other one is about my boyfriend who I’m in a long distance relationship and the terrifying intrusive thoughts I get that he’s died and that I just don’t know it yet or that he’s gotten in a super bad accident and no one can reach me. The last one is about someone breaking into my house and killing me, which was the first time I realized woah these thoughts are ruining my life and impacting how I live. I have found myself checking locks multiple times, locking myself in my room, checking my closet and bathroom multiple times to see if someone is hiding, even forcing myself to stay awake until the sun comes up because I’m terrified of going to bed at night. I hate this so much and it’s so exhausting and terrifying, I keep self sabotaging myself but also feeling like an actual horrible human being and thinking I deserve to suffer and that I’m putting on this fake persona so people like me, it terrifies me and even while writing this those thoughts feel so true. I feel like I’m a monster who doesn’t deserve anything good and is such a horrible human being. I have constant feelings of guilt all the time especially with real events and I just hate everything right now. I don’t understand why I’m like this when so many other people are able to have normal lives. I feel like I’m weak but I feel like it’s my own doing but I also feel like I don’t deserve to get better. My brain hurts all the time and I’m just so stressed all the time because of these thoughts, I feel so lost right now.

ak80

Date posted: 2y

i get the guilt and feeling like im fake too. Jesus loves u and He forgives us for all of the things we have done. U just have to accept Him into your heart and believe! He has helped my ocd so much that at times i just look to Him and my ocd doesn’t matter anymore! But you have to let these thoughts be, don’t act on them, just live your life that u deserve and that God has given you! No more compulsions beloved, let it all go!!!

Anymous

Date posted: 2y

@ak80 Okay I know your trying to help but not everyone believes in God

Anonymous

User type: Staff

Date posted: 2y

I feel for you, I know how hard this can be. Remember that the more you try to go over and review what has happened or review memories the more muddled and less reliable they become. For me, when it came to my OCD symptoms, I needed to give myself permission to grieve what I could not experience in my life- or what was impacted negatively by the OCD. I needed to let go of the should’ve and could’ve and accept what was. I needed to forgive myself for all of my perceived ‘wrongs’. I had to come to the understanding with myself that I did what I could with what I knew at that time. I cannot go back in time. But I can keep moving forward. I can live my next phase of life in a meaningful way. I can make new memories and have wonderful experiences. I can use my stories to hopefully inspire others to not allow OCD to control their lives. You can too. https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/the-importance-of-self-compassion-when-you-have-ocd

monte333

Date posted: 25w

Back to struggling

I posted yesterday that I was feeling better than usual, now I’m not. I knew it could happen that I start to feel bad again. I’ve been feeling like this is the worst it’s been so far but that can’t be true because nothing has changed I’m always afraid of doing something bad, have done something bad, or are capable of doing something bad. I posted a TW on this post just in case. My main thing is I’m afraid of being a certain kind of bad person. I won’t mention it I know people will understand probably who I mean. I know it’s an OCD type, and I’ve been looking up different instances of people with this same subtype and sometimes I find someone in my same situation and I feel relief, for a moment at least. But then I think I might be different. I’m seeing my therapist Friday, and I’m always nervous talking to them because I want to not sound like I’m crazy. Sometimes I’m like you must’ve done something bad to feel this way or, you’re a bad person and should feel bad. There’s so much I wish I could do to help with this. I fall back into a spiral anytime I feel better because I feel like why would I feel good now if I wasn’t before. Sorry for the rant everyone. I just feel bad now and I’m worried I’ll never feel normal again. Hopefully someone else has felt or feels the same. I want to not feel like this, I wish I could go back to when I was young and undiagnosed to get the correct diagnosis early. I feel like my meds aren’t helping anymore which is concerning because like my anxiety should be gone right? Idk, and idk why I have felt really good recently but now after spiraling I’m back at it. Sometimes I’m worried it’s not ocd even though I have plenty of signs AND was officially diagnosed. Again sorry for the long post, just needed to air out how I felt

Catlove9

Date posted: 23w

I need guidance or to feel like I am not alone

I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.

flyana

Date posted: 22w

oh my god, I'm struggling today

tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.

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Worrying about spiraling again / TW Rant

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