Derealization/disassociation

I feel like for years I’ve never really been ‘here’. I’m just the little character in my head that’s always arguing with my brain. I try to be in the moment and enjoy things but all I can think about is how my time will run out soon and this will all be a memory. I feel like I can only live in memories. Like if I go to the beach and it’s a great day, I just think ‘this will be a great memory later’. And then I try so so hard to ‘live in the moment’ and feel (I’ll close my eyes and think of all the sensations, I’ll stare at things like a pretty flower or the sunset, I’ll just try to do things that make me feel) but I still am kinda numb. I feel emotions really strongly but don’t feel like I’m here really?? My brain tells me I shouldn’t be caring ab things bc I don’t rlly feel all that present, but at the same time I feel things too hard?? I also need my disassociation sometimes to cope with things. For example, I think I have ADHD and I have this thing where I’m really sensitive to sensations (my clothes are really uncomfortable and I get compulsions to ‘fix’ them all the time) so I kinda zone out and it helps. It also helps if someone’s mad or me or I’m going thru smthn difficult to kinda just not be there or just think of the future when everything is going to be okay. But using that to deal w the negatives also affects the positives. But even when I try to stop it doesn’t work, no matter what I ruminate about how little time I have left. Even now, my thought process is that I have to fix this problem while I’m still young before I waste my youth not enjoying things fully, but I’ve never really known how it feels like to not be “floating”, so I don’t know when I’ll even get there. Thanks if you read this all.

Anonymous

User type: Staff

Date posted: 2y

Depersonalization can be scary. So many people struggle with this, so first, I want you to know that you're not alone. What I'm about to suggest might seem totally counterintuitive but I want you to try it next time. What if you just... let the feeling be there? Without additional panicking or trying to get rid of it or trying to speed up the recovery process? Someone I used to work with has said it like this, There's a really great analogy I heard once about this - that sometimes when we're panicking or when depersonalization/derealization is occurring, it's as if the brakes have gone out in our car. In our good-intentioned effort to slow the car down, we instinctively push on the brakes but actually, we accidentally hit the gas pedal and therefore make the car go faster. What we actually need to do is stop trying to stop the car rather than just take our foot off the pedals altogether and let the car slow down naturally. I hope this helps.

Anonymous

User type: Staff

Date posted: 2y

Also check this out-https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/can-ocd-cause-derealization

onlyagirl

Date posted: 2y

@Stacy Quick Thank you; I feel like I’ve tried just sitting with the feeling before, but I feel that “coming back to reality” is or of my control and I just have to live like this forever. I mean I guess it’s not the worse thing in the world, but sometimes I just wish I could feel more connected and enjoy life more and be more passionate about things. I do have certain passions, but I don’t know it’s just hard to be present

Anonymous

User type: Staff

Date posted: 2y

@pagsm - I can understand that for sure. have you done any trauma work? I don't know if you have any trauma but it isn't uncommon to have similar experiences like what you describe with that, maybe that would be helpful to look into too.

onlyagirl

Date posted: 2y

@Stacy Quick Not really, I mean there’s been hard times I’ve had to deal with but nothing really super crazy

Anonymous

User type: Staff

Date posted: 2y

@pagsm - OCD and other conditions can also lead to these feelings, are you doing ERP?

onlyagirl

Date posted: 2y

@Stacy Quick Nope not yet

Meggie.weg

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I’m struggling with the same thing. It’s been a daily thing for 3 years now. I can’t find a way to stop it :(

mydearmelanc...

Date posted: 2y

i get bad dissociation too ik how u feel :(

overcomingit

Date posted: 2y

i understand this too. meditation helps me but only for a short amount of time

carrotroot12

Date posted: 22w

Rant (all over the place)

i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.

blehh

Date posted: 20w

helpp

I keep thinking about life and death and all that stuff and it’s making me so upset. I keep thinking about how one day im probably going to be old and on my death bed or something and my whole life will be nothing but a memory and im so scared for that day. i wont have my parents and my younger siblings wont have any of us. time feels like its moving too fast like i feel every second pass and think about how i can never get that moment back and i cant slow down time or go back or even just pause it because its always going and theres nothing i can do about it. And then i start thinking about whats after death and get even more scared because if heaven is real then what is eternity? wont i get bored of doing the same things… forever? and if its not real then what happens is it just nothing? because thats even more scary i don’t want to be nothing because that also means the people i love will be nothing and i wont be able to be with them. And if it’s not that then is it reincarnation? will i have to do this all over again? will the souls of the people i love be with me in their new forms? is the sun “God” because the planets revolve around it and the stars are all of the passed souls? what does it feel like to be a star? will i even just know i died? i have so many questions and the fact that none have an answer and i just have to wait to find out drives me insane. i try to remind myself everyone before me and everyone after me will experience death and loss at one point in their life and that I’m not alone but it doesn’t help. nothing helps. ive had “episodes” like this before when i was around 10-14 about once a year always around May-June which is the month my great grandmother died and June is my birth month which i hate because yk… time passing and aging which i assume is why i always get worse around that time. i was able to kind of ignore or turn it off the past like 3 years but this month its just too much i cant even deal with it. maybe because I’m turning 18? idk but its been bothering me so much and its all i can think about. Even when i seem fine the thoughts are always in there somewhere and some days they’re easier to ignore and others it feels impossible. I just wish I was like those people who can just turn their thoughts off if they don’t like them. My mom says she can do that if she thinks about how her mom died or something she can tell herself she doesn’t want to think about that and just… turn it off?? and thats so shocking to me because i’ve begged a god I don’t even know if I believe in to stop my thoughts and she can just turn them off herself? I don’t have another therapy appointment until next week I wish I could talk to them everyday so it could work faster but instead i’m on here. So if anyone has any advice PLEASE give it to me. I’m so tired it’s making me not enjoy anything in life because it makes me feel like theres no point in anything but I want to feel normal and I want to enjoy things. Sorry for writing so much just had to get this out there. Also i’m not trying to seek reassurance btw I just wanna know how other people coped with this or similar issues😭

2005grl

Date posted: 13w

worried 😔

this is probably kinda jumbled but over the past almost year or so i've slowly realized i have ocd (i'm diagnosed audhd but over time i started feeling like those alone didn't cover the whole issue yk?), and recently i've been kinda worried i guess. it’s just that i’m turning 21 in 6 months and i’m afraid that this disorder is going to rob me of joyful adult milestones in my life. honestly being 20 has sucked, i can’t even remember wtf being 18 was like, and my childhood in general wasn't the best either, but i've been struggling a lot as of late and i don't want how i feel now to be the same as how i feel next year. my meds have helped quiet my compulsions a significant amount (i literally felt like i was going kinda cray cray when i was off them 😭) but they’re not completely gone. sometimes it just seems like this is all it's ever gonna be forever and i’m always gonna feel ashamed of myself for just like… existing. my 21 year old self deserves to be happy but idk if i’ll be able to give that to her 🥲🥲🥲

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Derealization/disassociation

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