- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
Obsessing about having OCD
I know that I have OCD, I can trace incredibly obvious behaviors of it back to when I was 4 or 5 that, in different ways, have continued onto present-day. I wasn’t diagnosed until last year after an incredibly intense and difficult time of panic disorder and suicidal OCD overlapping. I was having panic attacks 4-5 times a week about obsessions with self harm and if i actually wanted to hurt myself and it just became so intense that I started to just totally spiral. One night I had to call a suicide hotline because I just couldn’t understand what was going on and none or my compulsions (checking, avoiding, hot showers, etc.) made it go away. Explaining to them that I knew I wasn’t going to end my life but thinking I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from doing it felt so dumb and embarrassing. I eventually got diagnosed and I began to see how all the pieces fit together. What I was always experiencing never fit any diagnosis of anxiety or depression like I was given in the past. I cried in relief sometimes whenever I’d research OCD and see more about how I just wasn’t alone in this. In the present-day, I’ve just now finally gotten insurance that will allow me to begin ERP but I keep psyching myself out of it. I keep checking my thoughts around previous triggers to see if I feel the same and if I don’t, I feel certain that I’m completely better. Like, if I go a few days without noticing any problems, I tell myself that I’ve been lying about having this and that if I started, I’d be taking someone’s spot who deserves it more. Even after *everything* I had to go through to get diagnosed I can’t shake the feeling that I’m lying about everything to do with my mental health. UGHHH I don’t know what to do about this anymore or if this even makes sense :’(