this sucks so bad

𝕊𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕥 😞𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎 ℙ𝕃𝔼𝔸𝕊𝔼 𝔻𝕆ℕ'𝕋 ℝ𝔼𝔸𝔻 𝕀𝔽 𝔼𝔸𝕊𝕀𝕃𝕐 𝔻𝕀𝕊𝕋𝕌ℝ𝔹𝔼𝔻 𝔹𝕐 𝕋ℍ𝔼𝕄𝔼𝕊 𝕎𝕀𝕋ℍ 𝕂𝕀𝔻𝕊 hi everyone, I am really struggling with something disturbing and I'm so afraid I'm a PDF. So my sis came to visit with my nephew for the first time. So the other day we were taking pics with the baby I was already feeling kinda nervous cuz I never held a baby before. Anyway it was my turn and I like I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him( not exactly the thought but the of thought was more graphic and I don't wanna disturb anyone). And I can't remember if I thought that while I was bumping him on my stomach (like how people bump babies on their hips) or before I started doing so. Anyways I can't really remember what my reaction to that thought was or if I started bumping him before or after I had that thought... So I tried not to think much of it but over time I started to spiral really bad and wonder why I thought that and why then I would bump him on my stomach after having that thought or during. I just feel so disgusted. Like was I curious about it? Did I disregard the thought because my brain thinks disturbing things? Ik right now away from that situation that ofc I have no sexual interest in my nephew at all. I played with him and helped changed diaper and everything and never had the urge to do anything inappropriate to him besides that one weird instance. So like I'm so disturbed like did that mean something? I have P OCD but that didn't really feel like an intrusive thought? I also can be very impulsive, and if it was impulsive does that mean I had a desire? Now I'm terrified of having kids even though I wanted some or to foster some. I mean I know but myself I'm not sexually attracted to kids but then why would I think that I am so disturbed really and feel so sick. 😞😞😞😞 I don't know what to do I'm so scared about what my motivation was I feel so bad and scared😞😞😞😞

Worried about situation that happened with nephew new memory or not idk I'm scared Worried about situation that happened with nephew I'm so scared when I was holding my nephew I thought " I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him" ( not the exact words don't want to be extremely graphic) I began to bump him like how people bump babies on their hips he was on my stomach cuz that's how he was handed to me. Now I fear I remember also thinking if his diaper would stimulate his private part or something like that IDK LIKE I FEEL LIKE I REMEMBER THINKING THAT BUT ALSO DON'T??? LIKE O FEEL LIKE maybe I thought this at a different time for whatever weird reason but then I'm scared that it makes sense it would happen when I held him. Does it change the situation?????I feel extremely sick because I don't know why I would think that or if it was my brain or me. Idk if it was or wasn't cuz I felt his diaper against me? Was I curious if it would? It feels like I was curious but wth why???Was it just something weird I thought? Am I actually a monster? I had been having disturbing thoughts I'm pretty sure that were related to my POCD in general for a while before that. Ik my nephew didn't get hurt but I'm so scared why would I do something like that I feel so sick and disgusted. I know away from that situation I have no sexual interest or attraction towards him I'm just so freaked out and disgusted. I don't wanna be a bad person and I don't want my worst fear to be true.

Wait. Is this a compulsion? Like I didn't realize compulsions can be something like this? Not looking for reassurance but just wondering if that sounds accurate? Thanks guys! I know I'll never get the certainty I want, but I want to feel safe to be around my nephew again. I was holding my nephew, he's a newborn, and he was getting hungry so he started squirming around and grazed my chest (yes I was fully clothed). Of course, that caused very intense groinals.. It didn't feel bad in the moment but just anxious, and without thinking, I was holding his head still right there and I was moving it closer in that spot (at least felt that way) to make the feeling continue I guess. It was such an anxious all over my body feeling. I was so anxious and triggered by that feeling. It's like my groinals were so intense I automatically leaned into them without thinking a second thought? So I ended up having another groinal. After that I put the baby down and realized what had happened then panicked so much.