Please help and give advice!

I’m new here and to be quite frank I don’t have ocd as a diagnosis yet. I have a big problem a while back with anxiety and depression and already at a young age I had problems with obsessions and compulsion, the first ones were bacterial and washing my hands wiping after the toilet until it came blood because then I thought I was “clean”. Either way I also had a little of harming thoughts both about me and others. But I got help and that therapist help saved me, because I didn’t have severe thoughts for like a lot of years until recently when I started watching like crimes and I.e murder and killing series and movies. The thoughts started, like “would you kill someone” how and who. “Could you eat someone, would you like to” (i.e cannibalism and even the most disgusting one that really distressed me if I could have sex with a 💀person” which I would never EVER. And then a bit of pocd as well, “are you attracted to younger kids” “do that and that to a child/baby” it’s so crazy and disturbing for me. Im sounding like a complete psycho and believe me when I say I’ve done all the test online for it and it shows no indication what so ever. Also have a huge problem with sickness and diseases and washing my hands too much. Sometimes it’s so hard I get panic attacks and cry myself to sleep but sometimes it’s when the most gruesome thoughts come I’m “okey” with them and that really MAKES ME FEEL CONVINCED that these thoughts are desires and stuff like that. What do you guys think? I am in therapy process so already a step ahead but please tell me I’m not a serial killer or phedophile. I also made a pact that if these thought “were” true I’d rather kill myself then act on them. Thank you for reading!

CycleBreaker

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Everything you are sharing, sounds like OCD so you should get officially diagnosed from an OCD therapist. When I was first diagnosed I also started seeing a therapist that did not specialize in OCD or exposure response prevention ERP. I was good for a while with him really just listening and him giving me tools to prevent the thoughts or “manage” them which is impossible. You cannot control your thoughts. No one can, only how you respond to them. About a year later when I stopped seeing my therapist the intrusive thoughts came back and I felt blindsided. I thought I beat this thing a year ago. So I found and OCD therapist who knew ERP and she helped me learn the tools to face my thoughts, not run from them or minimize them etc. That’s what ERP is. You face what scares you and then you stop feeding the monster. I still have OCD and probably always will, there is no cure. However I do have the tools to manage it and they have helped me take my life back and you can to. OCD will jump all over the place from harm OCD to contamination to fill in the blank. The themes are endless. The work is hard I’m not going to tell you ERP is easy, because it’s not, but it is worth it. I will pray for you.

Anonym

Date posted: 2y

@CycleBreaker Thank you very much. I an waiting for the results of my last visit from the blanks i answered but I really do feel like a terrible person. And when I have these thoughts sometimes and I don’t feel any anxiety it makes me more convinced that I am but I have so many thoughts sometimes it’s hard to react to them all, I honestly just try to push them away which I know kind of make it worse but thank you. I will fight, I know I would never ever wanna do the things that I think. Thank u 🙏🏼

CycleBreaker

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Your not a terrible person, because you don’t like having these thoughts. Remember a terrible person would not care that they were having these thoughts. I felt the same way. You can take your life back. Praying for you.

Anonym

Date posted: 2y

@CycleBreaker Thank you! That helps a lot really. Im just very worried and sometimes it’s like it dosent bother me at all. But I know I wouldn’t act on them at all. So have to think like that.

Anonym

Date posted: 2y

@CycleBreaker But when the thoughts dosent bother me sometimes it’s because I’m so tiered of them so I just like let them pass but does that kind of “ignorance” mean I’m a bad person?

Anonym

Date posted: 2y

Oh and I also get the groinal response with also makes me feel messed up, I know it’s all according to the theme and sometimes even the groinal response doesn’t bother me because me knowing that it isn’t real and sometimes I get so distressed.

CycleBreaker

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

No, you can easily get drained by these constant thoughts. That would happen to me and I would just have to sleep. At some point the brain needs to rest. Remember they’re just thoughts. They have no power. An OCD therapist can help you with ERP.

Anonym

Date posted: 2y

@CycleBreaker Thank you once again.

laladracu

Date posted: 19w

idk if its harm ocd anymore

I dont know whats going on. I dont know if its OCD anymore. I know it was in the beginning. Ive been through a lot of trauma and had one little scary thought of killing my sister 4 months ago that has blossomed into this giant idea of me being a serial killer and wanting to hurt everyone (I never had any social issues growing up but I have had some trauma). Recently I’ve been having urges to just give in. And my mental images have been horrible and I can’t stop checking if I like them or not. I think I’ve convinced myself I have. This morning I woke up a shaking mess with an urge to unalive my family and when my mom left for work I was alone with my sister and couldnt stop vomiting uncontrollably. I dont know if i’m upset because I cant hurt anyone and I want to, or if I’m scared and just want my old life back. I was an avid horror and gore lover and now I’m convinced I want to do the things I’ve seen in the movies. Someone please help. I’m ready to check into the psych ward.

Harm OCD

roszip-0toMd...

Date posted: 18w

Please help!!!

TW! please someone comment When I was 12 or 13 I used to babysit a little girl, she had a habit of keeping her hand in her diaper and was always touching herself, there was one point I was changing her diaper and noticed she was really red. I had separated her private parts and checked the inner area for signs of infection. She was okay, just some really really bad diaper rash. I know this is what happened yet my brain is trying to convince me that I hurt her, and that I wanted to do it, I know I would never hurt a child but with all the anxiety I feel when I think about it I'm starting to wonder if I did do it because I wanted to hurt her, I don't wanna be a p, I don't wanna hurt innocent children, I used to never have these thoughts but now I do and I'm so scared to tell my therapist as she hasn't diagnosed me with ocd yet. I don't want her to think I'm a p nor do I wanna hurt kids, but my brain keeps telling me that I do and that I'm just lying to myself and everyone around me, ik I would never do something that could harm a child but I keep getting these thoughts and their inappropriate and I just want them to stop, does anyone have any tips on how to help myself? I keep turning to my boyfriend for reassurance but ik that that's just a quick fix and that ill be spiraling about it again.Please help

happygirl15

Date posted: 16w

POCD/ Intrusive thoughts & Images

so I’ve been seeking therapy for my OCD for a few years. The theme that I’ve been dealing with most recently is the fear of becoming a pedophile, which then has led to intrusive images of me doing things to kids.Which now is just causing me so much distress and 24/7 constant thought cycle. I am starting to not be able to tell the difference between thoughts that are wanted/ unwanted- the line has become some blurry and these things are starting to feel like someothing i want to do. My brain keeps telling me to just test these thoughts and the “maybe”or”i don’t know” isn’t working. This has become such a barrier because the second layer is that I’m afraid that if I just let the thoughts be there it’ll make me be OK with doing those things and the fear is what’s keeping me from actually doing something inappropriate. It’s also transitioned into intrusive thoughts and images of me doing something very disgusting to my dog and that when I’m cuddling with him I get the thoughts to just do it or try it to see if i am actually a p*do. it’s almost like the compulsion would be to do the inappropriate thing, even though I know it’s wrong just to see how it would make me feel. I feel like i can’t control these urges even though i’ve never acted on it. At any point i could just do it. I’ve never had these thoughts before up until about a year and a half ago when my friend‘s boyfriend got arrested for soliciting a minor then all these thoughts came to life.Has anyone experienced something like this and have any advice?

POCD

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