Im getting so tired! I keep getting the “i want to die” thought and feeling… and its coming everyday… Always comes out of nowhere.. and i had a very good day yesterday… the thought and feeling just keeps coming back.. all the time! And it always makes me doubt if its real 😔
Of course distress and sadness are there. Who'd want to feel like this? It's horrible and really upsetting. There's a thing called the back door spike. Acceptance is no agreement. You can accept that the thoughts make you feel awful. That doesn't mean you agree with their statements. Trust me, the best way to get through is to disengage. Stop the conversation. It will take a lot of time and effort and isn't something that occurs overnight. You have to be patient with yourself but you can get there
The first exposure I ever started was simply looking at the word suicide and triggering all the distress, whilst not engaging in compulsions. It was hard. Terrifying but I can now look at the word and feel nothing. That's due to habituation and how the brain works. Eventually if we refrain from reassurance seeking and compulsions our brain gets bored and stops sending the signals.
@mikewsmith But we agree on ocd thoughts are the opposite of me right? And they come because it is something im afraid of!? :). And thanks?
@Origiiiz Yes they are but part of the ocd journey is to not engage in the reassurance seeking. I know it's so tough, but we have to try and step out the loop. I've been there, but you got this 👊
@mikewsmith Hey Mike. You are a great help! Today i feel like crying all the time… and it makes me soo sad?? Because i dont know why?? Im together with my daugther and should feel happy… but i just feel like crying.. then my head starts to wonder if i dont like my daugther?? Or my life in generel… it freaks me out i can cry without a reason… i hope its the ocd… but dont know.
@Origiiiz I think it's probably best for you to speak to your doctor about your moods, because for me I found that my ocd actually put my brain into a depressive state. This was just a normal reaction to the stress and upset. I changed medication and it really helped. In regards to today, I totally get it. I was out with my son this morning and felt really anxious, but I chose to focus on spending my energy with him and not trying to work out why I feel the way I do. We can always choose how we respond. I know that urge to work things out may seem irresistible, but if you can learn to catch yourself mid-rumination and direct your attention elsewhere that may be really helpful
@mikewsmith Yeah. But im just afraid why i can be so sad.. and feel like crying when i should be fucking happy with my little daugther… then im nervous it has something to do with her…
@mikewsmith And is it the ocd that wants me to figure everything out? I cant stand this feeling of crying.. without knowing why..
I've been there, truly it's so hard. Something that helped me was trying to look into the future with positivity. I would say to myself, 'okay, I'm having these intrusive thoughts today, but one day I will stop and notice that these thoughts haven't occurred for a long time.' With ERP and acceptance I can now say I'm at that place, but it took a long time and a lot of patience to get there
@mikewsmith But is it normal my ocd make me doubt if it is actually me? And they keep coming again and again and again… even though your day was fine before??
@Origiiiz I woke up with the thought every morning for about six months. Every day I drive to work I go under a motorway bridge that has a suicide memorial on it. Every single time I drove under that bridge the thought 'that will be you' came into my head. Now, I barely notice the memorial. OCDs job is to make you doubt. It's absolutely normal, but try to steer clear of reassurance seeking. OCD can make you doubt everything, especially that which you most hold dear. Trust me, just working on acceptance and practicing exposing yourself to scripts and other triggers really can help.
@Origiiiz Yes, this is exactly what OCD does. Very normal.
@mikewsmith I feel like i don’t always have a trigger… the thoughts just comes out of nowhere… just have a hard time understanding why it actually feels so real
@mikewsmith + i’ve read that people with ocd know their thoughts arent true… but its like it cant say its not true.. i hope its not… im doubting.
It's the engaging with the thought that does the damage. Any kind of engagement is fuel. Any kind of communication is energy for it. It's hard I truly know, but for me I started to get better when I stepped out of the loop.
@mikewsmith And to come out of the loop i need to?
@Origiiiz Disengage. You cannot control that you are triggered or that you have anxiety and adrenaline pumping through your body. What you do next you can control. I try to focus on the idea of 'what would non-anxious me do'. So what would you ideally be doing if it weren't for these intrusive thoughts. Maybe that's making yourself a coffee, or getting ready for the day. Then move toward that. Check out Anxiety Josh and RevrunsbeyondOCD on Instagram. The anxiety doctor is also great. Their content is super helpful and will hopefully let you see that you are not alone.
@mikewsmith I don’t feel that much anxiety… more distress, and sadness… i won’t have these thoughts. But thanks. But its normal not to have anxiety followed by the thoughts right
@mikewsmith I think my meds control the anxiety but not the thoughts
@mikewsmith Thank you!
OCD is the doubt disorder. It will get you to doubt everything, especially that which you care for the most. Each question is just another what if for OCD. It is insatiable and will never be satisfied. Your job is to say no when the compulsions arise. I'm happy to offer support and help but think I'm straying into offering you reassurance, which I know from experience is not actually what you need. You've got the strength to do this. If you make enough good micro decisions a day can change from horrible to beautiful. Now go out there and spend time with your daughter. You've got this
@mikewsmith Yeah. But i have feelings like i dont want to be with her.. and it makes me sad… and never what if thoughts…. More statements like “ you dont like your daugther”
@Origiiiz Statements, what's ifs it's all the same. You've got this 👊
@mikewsmith Also feelings of me not wanting to be with her? 😔
@Origiiiz First thing I want to say is I have been where you are now. I know the pain, the distress and sadness. I know it all. But I'm unfortunately not helping you now. The thing is with OCD is it will never be done. Even if I could give you all the reassurance you feel you need and answer every question it will still make you doubt, because that is it's sole function. To make you doubt, to make you fear, to make you question, all because it wants to protect you in its own twisted way. It will drive you to the point of hoping that someone potentially on the other side of the world will have the perfect answer that you need so you can move on with your life. Only there is no answer, and whilst ocd is in charge, there is only a future of being stuck in cycle, stuck in a never ending loop of trigger, fear/sadness/hopelessness, temporary reassurance. It will go on and on. I've wasted months in such a headspace. If you are with your daughter now, I would encourage you to put the phone down or laptop away and go spend time with her. That is the opposite of what your ocd wants you to do and that is the best thing you can do for yourself now. Step toward the person and the father you want to be, no matter what ocd says. I've gone from being an absent father to the father I wanted to be, all whilst dealing with OCD diagnosis, therapy and recovery. It is possible and there is a road, but you have to make the steps for yourself. When I tell you you've got this, it's because I know how treatable OCD can be. I know how your life can change for the better. I know how the clouds can part and you will realise just to strong you are. I won't be replying anymore, as I don't think I'm helping. But please go on with your day and spend that time with your daughter, because you are all she needs and she is all you need. Take the power away from OCD and step into your own power. One last time, you've got this.
I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD but when I learned more about it, I never related to anything more. A little back story: when I was younger, there were a couple of youth suicides in my area and the schools felt the need to have someone come in and talk about suicide. Well the person they had come in did a horrible job teaching it and basically made it seem like the smallest negative emotion or feeling or change in behavior made you suicidal. This ended up scaring me so much that I got horrid anxiety. Fast forward to now, Everytime I feel anxiety and panic, I fear I'm going to kill myself. Everytime I feel down and depressed, I fear I'll end it all. I'm scared to be around anything sharp because the "What if" I hurt myself comes into my mind. There are always intrusive thoughts at almost every point of the day. And it's not only for me. Everytime I hear someone being negative, I fear they will be suicidal. I know in my heart that none of this is true but it's terrifying me that it's stuck around so much that it makes me scared that maybe it is true. I've had a lot of death in my family in the past year and a half and a lot of other family drama that I'd never had before that is now also bringing up existential intrusive thoughts. And I'd never questioned anything about life before but now I get the "why is life like this?" and "does anything we do matter?" and I hate it. I don't want to think like that. I just want to go through life being able to handle things normally again. It terrifies me even right now going "what if you give up?"
I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.
Does anyone else ever feel like they don’t feel “bad enough” to have OCD, or that they don’t feel “the right way” for it? Or like they’re just saying they have OCD as an excuse? Because i was so much better for like 3 weeks now and now im on my period and i started doubting again. So because of that im scared that i was feeling to good and that my fear is actually true.
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