- Username
- aquarius01
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@Eddieu Love I am so sorry you are having such a hard time, I completely understand how infuriating and painful this is. But just because you have the thoughts does not mean they’re yours, they are called intrusive thoughts because they are invading you. The reality is that the choice is quite simplistic: if you do not want to be gay or bisexual then there is no reason to be forced to label yourself as such. I understand how this can seem impossible, but after exposing yourself to situations you are uncomfortable in you will be happy once again. It will just take a bit longer than what you want it to take. I wish you the best and know that you are strong and that we are all here for you!
I am so sorry hon that you are feeling this way! I have the same thoughts as you, in fact I am suffering a major relapse right now. But the good news is that I know you and I can beat this, I’ve done it once before and if I could do it I know you can as well! We simply have to be strong and not feed the demon. Once you stop seeking reassurance and constantly doing compulsions your mind will become clear and you can be confident again! It just will take time and practice.
I had an intrusive thought while peaking and it felt real. I am so fucking done with life right now. I still don't want anything with a man EVER, and the thoughts and images still disgust me to no end after doing that. I'm so ashamed. I guess I have to live with knowing I'm bisexual, even though I hate being it and I don't want to try anything with a dude ever. Fuck. Me. I hate this and I just want to be back to who I was before this shit. I just want to have a normal wife and a family, I want to be attracted to girls again, I want to be ME again. ? I want to fucking die I seriously want to vomit right now. ?
Noo! Stay strong! I felt this so much as I was reading it, I feel the say same. I envy those who are happy with a man and probably never question anything! I hate that I have to always question everything. Stay strong we’ll all get through it!
@MaeGreene Thank you so much. Backdoor spikes are the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced in my life honestly ? I'm starting to think that HOCD doesn't exist and that I am in the deepest depths of denial possible but I will try to hold on to hope.
Thank you so much !! @MaeGreene I wish you luck in beating this! ?
I can’t anymore. I really can’t. The what if I am attracted to them. The “why does it have to be a man with a woman” (which by the way- I only now get when women are talking in love songs. And whenever I look at any couple). I am just tired. Tired of feelings like crap. I just want to go to what I was before, but was I like this before? Have I always been like this? I am tired. My anxiety levels are ALWAYS the worse at the morning. I am starting to obsess whether I like this friend now! And it doesn’t matter how much I try to accept it, it doesn’t go away. Like there is still something wrong. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. At this point. How can I still be straight? I literally get triggered by everything. And how can I just not be gay? I have no reason to think that but it feels so real. It’s like I have no sexuality at all. And this is all that I can think about every single hour of my day. I am even thinking about this in dreams! I even wonder that the fact I am so upset right now is because I am scared of telling people and that they won’t accept me. When I don’t even know who I am myself. I am so done. What even is this? Have I always been like this? I am getting flashbacks and it’s telling me I have.
I’m so exhausted. Been having HOCD since May & had it once before when I was 15 - both times began as me genuinely thinking I was questioning my sexuality, then it became obsessive and that’s when I landed on HOCD. It was more like HOCD that actually questioning. But I will say I do find women attractive, and have always watched lesbian porn & in my mind I guess I do find women’s body’s somewhat sexually attractive. This being said - I have always had boyfriends, always fell for boys and not once have I ever been genuinely interested in a girl or fallen for one. I’m 20 too, so it’s not like i’m only 14. In very open about sexuality and accept everything and everyone, so the idea of being lesbian or bi isn’t alien to me. Some of my friends are gay and lesbian . Earlier this summer I even started coming out to people as maybe being bi, and i was almost pushing that label onto myself to try and accept myself - but it still didn’t feel right and I am still unsure and uncertain. Just want some advice - is this similar to other people’s stories ? Not looking for reassurance, just genuinely wondering wether it is HOCD or maybe I am just abit gay hahaha (which would be okay, just doesn’t really feel right)
Please someone help me. I feel like I’m in denial. I feel like I don’t have ocd. It’s too real. The intrusive thoughts aren’t as frequent, I don’t have anxiety or do compulsions. I’m not even against the thoughts anymore. I can’t explain how real it feels. It can’t be ocd and the thing is I just don’t want to like girls. That’s it. I just don’t want to. But that sounds like I’m resisting my sexuality and it feels like this too. I’m sorry to everyone on this app but I don’t think I’m like u anymore. If things like internalised homophobia and comphet didn’t exist then I’d know I was straight but they do so now I think I’m just that. I don’t want to marry a girl or have sex with one or anything. I want to be straight and just fucking live my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I haven’t had a crush on a boy for years even though my ‘ocd’ started in the summer. I’ve had loads of male celebrity crushes that I’ve felt like I’ve loved and I don’t understand how those could’ve been fake but they must have been. Compulsions don’t comfort me I just watch tv to distract myself and that’s it. I can’t do this shit anymore. I don’t want to like girls but I have to be either bi or lesbian. Please I just want to be straight I don’t get it.
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