Deleted post.

@Eddieu Love I am so sorry you are having such a hard time, I completely understand how infuriating and painful this is. But just because you have the thoughts does not mean they’re yours, they are called intrusive thoughts because they are invading you. The reality is that the choice is quite simplistic: if you do not want to be gay or bisexual then there is no reason to be forced to label yourself as such. I understand how this can seem impossible, but after exposing yourself to situations you are uncomfortable in you will be happy once again. It will just take a bit longer than what you want it to take. I wish you the best and know that you are strong and that we are all here for you!

I am so sorry hon that you are feeling this way! I have the same thoughts as you, in fact I am suffering a major relapse right now. But the good news is that I know you and I can beat this, I’ve done it once before and if I could do it I know you can as well! We simply have to be strong and not feed the demon. Once you stop seeking reassurance and constantly doing compulsions your mind will become clear and you can be confident again! It just will take time and practice.

I had an intrusive thought while peaking and it felt real. I am so fucking done with life right now. I still don't want anything with a man EVER, and the thoughts and images still disgust me to no end after doing that. I'm so ashamed. I guess I have to live with knowing I'm bisexual, even though I hate being it and I don't want to try anything with a dude ever. Fuck. Me. I hate this and I just want to be back to who I was before this shit. I just want to have a normal wife and a family, I want to be attracted to girls again, I want to be ME again. ? I want to fucking die I seriously want to vomit right now. ?

Noo! Stay strong! I felt this so much as I was reading it, I feel the say same. I envy those who are happy with a man and probably never question anything! I hate that I have to always question everything. Stay strong we’ll all get through it!

@MaeGreene Thank you so much. Backdoor spikes are the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced in my life honestly ? I'm starting to think that HOCD doesn't exist and that I am in the deepest depths of denial possible but I will try to hold on to hope.