- Username
- aquarius01
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@Eddieu Love I am so sorry you are having such a hard time, I completely understand how infuriating and painful this is. But just because you have the thoughts does not mean they’re yours, they are called intrusive thoughts because they are invading you. The reality is that the choice is quite simplistic: if you do not want to be gay or bisexual then there is no reason to be forced to label yourself as such. I understand how this can seem impossible, but after exposing yourself to situations you are uncomfortable in you will be happy once again. It will just take a bit longer than what you want it to take. I wish you the best and know that you are strong and that we are all here for you!
I am so sorry hon that you are feeling this way! I have the same thoughts as you, in fact I am suffering a major relapse right now. But the good news is that I know you and I can beat this, I’ve done it once before and if I could do it I know you can as well! We simply have to be strong and not feed the demon. Once you stop seeking reassurance and constantly doing compulsions your mind will become clear and you can be confident again! It just will take time and practice.
I had an intrusive thought while peaking and it felt real. I am so fucking done with life right now. I still don't want anything with a man EVER, and the thoughts and images still disgust me to no end after doing that. I'm so ashamed. I guess I have to live with knowing I'm bisexual, even though I hate being it and I don't want to try anything with a dude ever. Fuck. Me. I hate this and I just want to be back to who I was before this shit. I just want to have a normal wife and a family, I want to be attracted to girls again, I want to be ME again. ? I want to fucking die I seriously want to vomit right now. ?
Noo! Stay strong! I felt this so much as I was reading it, I feel the say same. I envy those who are happy with a man and probably never question anything! I hate that I have to always question everything. Stay strong we’ll all get through it!
@MaeGreene Thank you so much. Backdoor spikes are the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced in my life honestly ? I'm starting to think that HOCD doesn't exist and that I am in the deepest depths of denial possible but I will try to hold on to hope.
Thank you so much !! @MaeGreene I wish you luck in beating this! ?
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.
Why do I feel like I’m going through something different to everyone else on here. I used to relate to everyone’s posts so much and now I just don’t. Everyday gets harder but none of it makes sense, I genuinely feel my sexuality has been altered by OCD. I was perfectly happy and content with my life and then bang the ROCD and HOCD kicked in like a huge brick coming to ruin everything. And the worst part is it makes me feel so convinced, like I want it, sometimes I can’t even tell if it’s made me happy or depressed, sad or angry, anxious or excited. I feel like I’m in the deepest denial
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