Has anyone else experienced wanting to commit suicide because of harm OCD/false memory OCD when you’ve never been suicidal ever before in your life? **currently in treatment and not a risk to myself or others**
All the time. It's like I tell myself I need to do it bc if I don't I will lose control, and I am evil.
@JamesMY Same here :(
@JamesMY I’m guessing you went the majority of your life without these thoughts and then they got triggered by something and never left?
@tylerm - Well I'm 48 now. When I was 19 is when I had the intrusive thoughts start. It was about my parents. And my mom died in 2008. Now it's about my dad. Though I worried all the time before, i never had thoughts of murder until harm OCD and never had thoughts of suicide until Harm OCD. So the majority of my life I've had OCD, but that's just because I'm older.
@JamesMY What do we do? :(
@tylerm - Well the thing is ERP is the 'gold standard ' but it doesn't always work and this stuff is hard to talk about. In fact I have the thought that if I actually start getting into the thoughts with a therapist then they will happen. I was on paxil for 16 years. It got rid of the thoughts to the extent that I could mostly ignore them, but the person I became from the thoughts and the compulsions I learned never went away. It was like my mind was always racing but instead of ruminating I was seeking distraction. They say we have to live with Uncertainty. Well I could do that better if I didn't live with my father. In fact my dream has been to be completely alone. I'd hate being alone but at least my anxiety would lessen a little. Plus, having Harm OCD is more distressing in my opinion because the consequences of you losing control hurts others. I mean having contamination OCD would be hell on earth, but if I lose control the primary victim is me. This is a curse, a living hell. It's why I never was successful in anything and why I am unemployed and a hermit
@tylerm - Is your harm ocd specific (like yourself and certain people) or about anyone?
@JamesMY Oh god it’s gone from vague/random to extremely specific. It started after my son was born (he’s my first child he’s a year old now). And I was hyper focused on “what if I killed someone in the past and don’t remember” and then it just spiraled out of control. Now it’s what if I kill my family, what if I was born evil, what if I hurt animals as a child and don’t remember, what if I’m a secret serial killer, what if I’m a psychopath, etc etc etc
@tylerm - I don't have the what ifs....like I remember the first image I had was a horrible image of attacking mom with an axe. And then I was like why did I think this? And then because I am Catholic I thought well if I thought it it must mean I want to do it. And since then I feel as if i do want to do it...that I am evil Having your child I think made you realize how fragile a baby is and because you were so worried about taking care of him you got very vigilant and realized that you could be a danger. My mom was sick for a long time and vulnerable and I think I felt the same way. But that's how it starts..
@JamesMY Damn😢😢😢 I’m so sorry. It’s just ocd friend, I think with your being religious really heightens it
@tylerm - Maybe, I don't know. But its hell no matter what, for both of us. I've found that being around others can help, unless they're part of your triggers.
@JamesMY Late reply but have you overcome these thoughts? I’m dealing with the same thing about these thoughts with my mom.
i’m back in a cycle of having harm related OCD thoughts and feelings and urges and i get these episodes where it’s like i’m disassociating and feel like i’m about to snap and go crazy violent. does anyone else experience this? i need help
I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…
Hello everybody I just am looking for someone to talk to about my harm ocd / false memory/ sexual intrusiveness. Anyone who has healed or found ways to deal with the illness. Feels like I’m losing hope more and more everyday. I want to be okay but it’s hard living with uncertainty and unwanted urges of doing something terrible. Thanks god bless.
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