Harm ocd

@JamesMY Same here :(

@JamesMY I’m guessing you went the majority of your life without these thoughts and then they got triggered by something and never left?

@tylerm - Well I'm 48 now. When I was 19 is when I had the intrusive thoughts start. It was about my parents. And my mom died in 2008. Now it's about my dad. Though I worried all the time before, i never had thoughts of murder until harm OCD and never had thoughts of suicide until Harm OCD. So the majority of my life I've had OCD, but that's just because I'm older.

@JamesMY What do we do? :(

@tylerm - Well the thing is ERP is the 'gold standard ' but it doesn't always work and this stuff is hard to talk about. In fact I have the thought that if I actually start getting into the thoughts with a therapist then they will happen. I was on paxil for 16 years. It got rid of the thoughts to the extent that I could mostly ignore them, but the person I became from the thoughts and the compulsions I learned never went away. It was like my mind was always racing but instead of ruminating I was seeking distraction. They say we have to live with Uncertainty. Well I could do that better if I didn't live with my father. In fact my dream has been to be completely alone. I'd hate being alone but at least my anxiety would lessen a little. Plus, having Harm OCD is more distressing in my opinion because the consequences of you losing control hurts others. I mean having contamination OCD would be hell on earth, but if I lose control the primary victim is me. This is a curse, a living hell. It's why I never was successful in anything and why I am unemployed and a hermit

@tylerm - Is your harm ocd specific (like yourself and certain people) or about anyone?

@JamesMY Oh god it’s gone from vague/random to extremely specific. It started after my son was born (he’s my first child he’s a year old now). And I was hyper focused on “what if I killed someone in the past and don’t remember” and then it just spiraled out of control. Now it’s what if I kill my family, what if I was born evil, what if I hurt animals as a child and don’t remember, what if I’m a secret serial killer, what if I’m a psychopath, etc etc etc

@tylerm - I don't have the what ifs....like I remember the first image I had was a horrible image of attacking mom with an axe. And then I was like why did I think this? And then because I am Catholic I thought well if I thought it it must mean I want to do it. And since then I feel as if i do want to do it...that I am evil Having your child I think made you realize how fragile a baby is and because you were so worried about taking care of him you got very vigilant and realized that you could be a danger. My mom was sick for a long time and vulnerable and I think I felt the same way. But that's how it starts..

@JamesMY Damn😢😢😢 I’m so sorry. It’s just ocd friend, I think with your being religious really heightens it

@tylerm - Maybe, I don't know. But its hell no matter what, for both of us. I've found that being around others can help, unless they're part of your triggers.

@JamesMY Late reply but have you overcome these thoughts? I’m dealing with the same thing about these thoughts with my mom.