Existential OCD/ DPDR

Today i made my shower water hotter, just to feel something. I think i’m gonna spend the rest of my life stuck in my head. I miss when my thoughts would float like clouds, now they stick like honey. Sometimes i think God hates me, because why do I deserve this at such a young age. I feel alienated, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m uncomfortable with my thoughts and feel like my brain is paralyzed, i’m probably gonna have to learn how to be human again after this, like a paralyzed person has to learn how to talk & walk again. Every thought has a thought now. I look at life on a molecular level now. I have recently been questioning my own existence and if i’m even alive, is this all a dream? Existential OCD has taken my life away from me, and i don’t know how to get it back. This is the scariest thing i’ve ever been through and nobody around me understands how tough it is for me everyday, there is a war inside my mind. I’m so tired.