Hey guys. Looking for my ROCD peeps who have struggled with fixating on past arguments and constantly feeling the need to open that can of worms again and figure it out. Or fixating on your partners flaws. How did you do it?
I struggle with this too! It’s not easy, I feel for you! I try to patiently remind myself the past is in the past, and everyone (including myself) has flaws. By no means am I a therapist, but as a suggestion, one thing that has helped me a lot is mindfulness. I try to just “observe” my feelings from an outside point of view. I tell myself “I am aware that I’m feeling xyz and it’s making me feel paranoid and uncomfortable. I’m aware that my OCD is fixating on these m issues in my relationship and it wants me to engage in compulsions to relieve myself from these uncomfortable thoughts. I’m aware that if I do this I’m engaging in an unhealthy thought process.” After I sit with this for awhile I notice that the feelings start subsiding, even if they don’t fully go away for a while. I also tell myself: “If I decide I don’t want to continue this relationship, it will be on MY terms, not my OCD’s terms. I hope this helps!
@Anonymous thank you! this is helpful!
@Anonymous do you struggle also with wanting to ask for reassurance for all your friends and family to make sure that it’s okay?
@emmagrace Yes! I do. ROCD has been hard for me because it’s been hard for me to draw the line between “healthy venting/complaining” about typical relationship things to my friends/sisters and reassurance-seeking. The difference between these, I’ve noticed, is that when I’m reassurance seeking, I know I’m looking for a specific answer that will “calm me down”. I wish I had the answers! I still slip up. But I think the first step for me has been identifying the obsession and being aware of the compulsions. I’ve slowly gotten better at resisting the compulsions, and I know you will too!!
@Anonymous You’ve helped me so much. Thank you. I realize i really only talk to people because i want them to tell me the answer that will calm me down. I do so with my boyfriend too. If i can’t get him to agree with me on everything it tears me up!
@emmagrace I am the same way! But I think recognizing this is a huge step in the right direction!!:)
@emmagrace Also, just want to say it’s not 100% on you! Naturally, both partners can slip up, so I hope you’re patient and kind to yourself!
@Anonymous I keep worrying what if? what if i shouldn’t be with him? but i don’t want anyone else. he makes me feel so loved.
@emmagrace At the risk of giving you reassurance, I’d say that that there is always uncertainty in literally ANY relationship. The issue is that we obsess over that uncertainty, whereas someone without OCD can carry on with minimal discomfort about that uncertainty (I’m jealous of that!). I don’t think uncertainty is unnatural, but obsessing about it is the issue. My therapist has told me to just accept that uncertainty: “Maybe I should be with him, maybe I shouldn’t”, it’s okay to not know! I think no one really knows, they are just more okay with not knowing than we are. I hope that helps:)
@emmagrace Also, if you want to be with him, you can:) A negative thought does not have to equal a negative action.
Does anyone else struggle with object permanence in relationships? Like whenever my partner is out of the house I immediately think negatively or I find things wrong with the relationship or him… For background my partner and I always fight over chores (I know it’s common but it’s annoying) I definitely pull more weight than him and I think he has ADHD, which makes him struggle to help and be aware of helping. Lately we’ve been somewhat good with splitting meals and dishes whatever, I know it can change with work stress, fatigue whatever. But last week my partner was out of the house watching his uncle’s dog so he was barely home. He was sleeping over at his uncles house and would come home for meals sometimes and stuff like that. I started becoming super fixated on him not helping with the dishes before he left and would constantly feel urges to yell about it. Even though the week prior everything was good when it came to that (sometimes with my ROCD I’ll even question myself and be like was it?) so I have started 4 separate fights arguing about dishes and chores and mentioning that he doesn’t help enough and if this continues I’ll have to leave… it’s so hard for me to snap out of it and just realize that he was going back and forth and didn’t think to help because he was busy with helping his uncle. And then I get such a negative view of him in my head that I nitpick his appearance, I make comments, etc, because my underlying fear is he doesn’t care to help, he will never change, and we will fail. So it’s almost like I’m looking to have a reason to run before I actually need to? It’s a constant cycle for me and I’m truly so exhausted by myself. But also relationships are so hard for me because I struggled SO much with trying to depend on others that I almost don’t let myself depend on others…. Any advice is appreciated but also just like do you also experience this? Thank you & pls be kind 🥺🥺🥺
Good morning. Anyone struggle with ROCD? When I think about what I have done in the past, I feel immense guilty (I feel the tightness in my chest) and have the urge to tell my partner about it, even if my partner says she doesn’t need to know if it is going to hurt her and that I need to talk to my therapist about it first. Any suggestions on how to manage the urge/urgency? Thanks!
Can anyone relate to this type of ROCD? It’s like i obsess of my partners past, I’ve spent probably 100 hours over the last 3 years asking him about girls he was with before me questioning him about every little detail and seeking reassurance. I don’t want to think about these girls at all. And I’ve been in ERP since August and was doing really good and not sure if it’s just getting bad again the last few days because of the holiday (Easter) and i had to go to his hometown where I know he had a past in and he recently brought a ring which I’m so excited about but it just seems like it’s getting harder for me and i don’t wanna be talking about girls he dated for a few months before me when we are about to get engaged. Am i ruining my future? What can I do to help and to not bring up stuff about the girls before me? How can I be in the moment and not relate everything to an irrelevant girl before me? Help
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