I don’t know that I even have ocd

I’ve always had intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember. I have had suicidal intrusive thoughts, I have had harmful intrusive thoughts about others. I want to act on none of these. I always feel guilty right after and like I’m crazy. Sometimes I really scare myself. I know at times when I have an uncomfortable thought I will repeat things in the back of my mind. I never really noticed until a few days ago because it was something I hardly ever paid attention to and I just thought of it as normal. When I have an uncomfortable thought or I think about something that I have done I often say “can I kill myself?” out loud or in the back of my mind. Even if I don’t want to. Even if I am not suicidal. I tend to tell people things that I shouldn’t share out loud but I don’t know how to control that impulse. I know that I over share but I feel like I have to. If I don’t it gives me so much anxiety that it feels like I’m just going to curl up into a ball and die. I know as a kid I used to do weird little things like if I’m walking on tile one foot can touch one single tile but not the other because if the other touches it doesn’t feel right. I would walk one foot in one tile. One foot in the next tile. If you step on the crack your mom will die. If you step on the crack something bad will happen to your family. I struggled with eating habits starting at an early age. I started to obsess over how much I ate for a while. What my body looked like. I was only 12. Growing up when I would try to eat healthy I would tell myself “you can only eat this much or else you will gain weight and you’re going to be fat forever.” I always checked to see if I looked smaller every single day for months on end because it was something I was obsessing over. My parents deemed me as a “worry wart” or a “hypochondriac” because I could never seem to worry about normal things. I always convinced myself that there was something wrong with me. I used to do an excessive amount of counting. I would always be looking down while I walked on tiles so I could make sure that each foot touched only one tile at a time and that I could count them. I used to count how much I blinked but I could only blink so many times because “if they see I’m blinking too much they’re going to think that I am weird.” In my little mind everyone hated me. I had intrusive thoughts of everyone talking bad about me all the time. Certain textures used to bother me a lot. If I touched anything too rough that didn’t feel “right” it would send shivers down my spine and make me feel anxious. I would touch a smooth surface just to get rid of the feeling. At times if I didn’t say something right I would repeat it so that I wouldn’t say it wrong next time. I think that’s why I speak so properly at times. Everything has a specific spot in my own space and if it is taken out of that spot it gives me anxiety. It makes me upset. I have convinced myself that I have every single disorder that there probably is and I always check myself for symptoms. There was one point that I had completely convinced myself that I had cancer to the point I had a breakdown. I really just wanted to post this so I could get a little bit of insight to see if this sounds like ocd or something else?