ROCD and the guilt

I’m looking for a good exposure statement right now. I’m feeling guilt and shame over the fear that I don’t fully love my partner enough. That I’m an imposter. I recently got engaged, and I’m feeling sad that a lot of my happiness is squashed by the OCD. There are real doubts which OCD magnifies, and it’s hard to stay positive when I’m constantly falling into a thinking pattern of analyzing the “rightness” of my relationship or my feelings. How do I separate normal, healthy doubts from the magnification of the same worries? How can I embrace the differences between me and my partner instead of falling into perfectionism traps? I feel like the joy of getting engaged was short lived and that it’s being robbed from me… by me! I feel so confused at times, and seduced into the ocd cycles of thinking. When I talk to my partner, he is so patient and loving and understanding— I feel blessed. But then I feel so much guilt after— “What if deep down I know I don’t love him enough and I’m just stringing him along bc I’m not self aware enough?” Or “What if my talking about the ocd is actually a compulsion distracting me from the ‘truth’ that were not compatible enough?” It’s self-torture, and downright insidious. Every freaking couple has incompatibilities! I just want to let things be. I’ve been trying to meditate the past few days, but my current ERP statement doesn’t seem to be working for me right now. Furthermore, this OCD is always much worse leading up to and during my period. I’m growing weary of the emotional roller coaster. I feel shame and sadness, and so harsh towards myself for not being who I want to be (I struggle with perfectionism). I’m a different person during different parts of my cycle… Real love is a choice, accompanied by many challenges and ups and downs… but my knowing this does not address the feelings my OCD wants me to avoid. It is possible that my fear of being an imposter is really the fear of loss— I want to face this feeling, but why does my brain prevent me from doing this? I can’t just say “I might not love him enough, or I might deeply love him with all my heart” because I believe in ERP statements that reinforce my confidence that I know myself. I would be grateful for any feedback or suggestions.

Ms. P

Date posted: 1y

I love this post. I really relate to your experience, especially things getting worse the week before your period, I’m right there with you. My therapist recently told me that the intrusive thoughts don’t really go away, as you said, all people have doubts, but the time and energy these thoughts consume will diminish if you keep doing the work. You obviously have a lot of insight into your symptoms, and you’re probably in one of the harder waves right now due to your cycle. Keep pushing through, use the ERP statements. Additionally, my therapist has me adding in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy skills if you want to try something new.

AnonymousEm

Date posted: 1y

@Ms. P Thank you for sharing! And for the encouragement :) .. I know a little about ACT therapy, but I’ve never really tried it. This is a good reminder for me to look further into it and try it out, I appreciate it!

RidingTheWav...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Going through the exact same thing! Trying to ride the wave myself. Here for the answers too! Exposures for me sometimes can be watching romantic movies and seeing the “perfect relationship” play out.

Ladybruh

Date posted: 24w

Help

I feel like my Rocd has become more sophisticated. It’s made me feel as if my healthy loving boyfriend is this terrible person. Or I’ll be thinking to myself like “I love him”, and in middle thought I get “no you don’t”. It’s convinced me that our values and beliefs are just TOO different (we’ve only disagreed on one thing in our relationship, but we talk it out). It’s like my ocd is clinging on to every reason why I should break up, like I don’t want this anymore, even tho I do! It’s frustrating. And the idea of doing erp terrifies me. Because I’m afraid if I do erp statements, that I’ll agree with them. Can someone give insight

e2222

Date posted: 22w

Relationship OCD?/am I just evil

I am in a relatively new relationship (around 2 months) and it has been completely virtual due to varying circumstances. I have never been in a serious relationship before and my past “exes” have never been this serious or brought up any of these feelings. About a month in I started having tons of symptoms and thoughts I figured were due to an SSRI change (i eventually went back to my original med/dose) however, it has remained quite bad since. Thoughts include: -I don’t actually like my partner, I just like the feeling of being wanted -I have crushes on other people, including my partners friends who I barely know -I don’t feel butterflies so I must be losing feelings for him -I think he’s ugly/im just not attracted to him -I’m secretly a lesbian and I’m wasting his time by being with him -a general feeling of dread, wrongness, or needing out of the relationship -not being able to believe him when he reassures me about everything -all of the above is just my genuine feelings and I’m using ocd as an excuse These are obviously crazy things to think, however one of my biggest compulsions is confession and self sabotage so I have told my partner all of these things in detail. He’s really great and patient about all of it but I can tell it weighs on him. Hes even recently expressed feeling like it’s his fault and that he wonders if it wouldn’t be this bad if I was with someone else. I feel so miserable but i feel like I’d be miserable in any relationship but im scared that’s not the truth and my ocd isn’t real. When it’s good i feel the most romantic love for him I’ve ever felt toward anyone ever. He’s an incredible person but I just feel so alone and lost on what to do. I’ve literally tried to break up with him like five times and each time we’ve ended up wanting to stay together. I’m really really scared I’ll never get better or this is simply the wrong relationship for me.

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

I’m so lost. Help me

2 months ago I started suffering from ROCD. I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 6 years and everything has always felt so effortless and safe. I didn’t know that I had OCD when this started and I felt like something had taken over my mind. Out of nowhere I was questioning everything. Weather I was attracted to him or not, if I loved him, watching every single thing he does and says and micro analyzing if I like it or not. At first when I realized I had OCD i felt relief. But ever since then its just felt like the thoughts have gotten more complicated and confusing. After learning it was OCD I realized that I had been experiencing it since at least the age of 11. It started with SOCD which was debilitating for months to the point of having emotional breakdowns every night. I was eventually able to let it go but my sexuality since then has always been something I fill unsteady in. I also suffered from POCD after learning my grandfather had sexually touched one of my cousins. Even though I had never thought of a child in that way I became consumed with the fear that I could be capable of something like that. Me and my fiancé have always planned on having kids but I no longer feel excitement towards having kids because of the fear that I could hurt them. Since the ROCD surfaced the SOCD had come back full force. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. There has been so much ruminating. I’ve noticed I do a lot of mental checking on my past and our past together and it’s made it all feel gloomy because my OCD only focuses on the bad. That has made me question if I ever truly loved him or liked being around him which is terrifying. He has been so loving and has been trying hard to understand but I still feel completely in my head whether he is around or not. I have put my fiancé through so much and I hate myself for it. One of my compulsions is word vomiting my every thought which has been scaring for him and me. I’ve tried to rein that in and I’ve gotten a little better at not doing that. I just feel so uncertain of everything. I am constantly having panic attacks about not knowing who I am and I hate it. Our wedding is coming up in October and when I think of it I feel scared instead of excited. I have put the planning on hold because I want to have some sort of handle on this first but my brain is trying to convince me it’s just because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him forever. Sometimes I even feel like it’s impossible. Like I don’t even have a choice in the matter. That it is going to end badly no matter how hard I am trying. Every single little problem we had before this (there isn’t many) feels huge. I started with an NOCD therapist a couple weeks ago but we only just started on ERP therapy today that focuses on the SOCD. She is having me look at naked women to see how I feel and gage my anxiety. I made myself look at naked women and men and felt some arousal from both. I know logically I don’t want to be with a woman in that way and the thought of physically being with one isn’t appealing, so that is also confusing. I kept looking up photos until I felt numb to them all. Afterwards for a second it almost felt silly to have been stuck on something that felt so superficial. I know I find women beautiful but I have never felt any desire to be with one sexually or had a crush on one. I’ve only ever had feelings like that for a man. When I was done I came out excited because I felt the freedom to choose the man I am with. I know I love him and I want to be with him but after a couple of hours I feel like all I can focus on is the fact that I felt any sort of arousal towards a picture of a woman. It almost makes me feel like my OCD was right all along and I am just in denial about everything. Even when I am feeling some peace, or like I am myself again I am just terrified of when the thoughts will come back. Everything I do or say I question whether it’s me who is doing or saying that thing or if I’m just doing it because of the OCD. I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I feel like my OCD has stripped me of so much of my identity and dreams and has started to strip me of my sanity. I almost just want to quit but I know how I felt and who I was before all of this and I know this isn’t me. I can’t let it have another win. I really don’t want to loose him.

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ROCD and the guilt

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