depression & ocd

Hi, I need some advice please I’m scared! My ocd has gotten way better but the last couple weeks my depression has doubled down to the point my ocd thoughts have seemed to come true in some way (I know this is not necessarily possible). This normally wouldn’t be possibly I feel but I have Suicidal OCD…intrusive thoughts, images, feelings, urges, outlooks, whatever else about suicide. Now the issue at hand is. I constantly feel like hurting myself, but I don’t want to (but I feel like I’m want to especially when I’m in loads of pain???) this use to Bother me greatly and it still does obviously but it bothers me in a different way now . Basically I feel like I “want” to or “desire” it but I cannot act on it because I know I dont want to. This is painful as hell and it’s most Likely my ocd mixing with depression symptoms which is terrifying agitating and I feel angry all day everyday I don’t feel like doing anything except laying in bed and sleeping to keep myself safe. The anger is really the driving force for all of this. Suicide has been my main theme for 6 months and the fact that I might have both the ocd and si is disappointing as it’s my worst fear come true.

mikewsmith

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

This must be really difficult and challenging, especially if the OCD is mixing with your depression and vice Versa. I'd say the thing to remember is that OCD is the doubt disorder and it will come up with various ways to maintain your attention and focus. It could be that it's just a different route to getting that attention from you. I have suffered with the same theme, so know how hard it can be. What I will say is through medication and erp I have come to a place where these thoughts no longer bother me as they used to. I hope this helps. Stay strong

Ihateocd72

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@mikewsmith Hi I also have done ERP and on medication which helps tremendously with the thoughts not bothering me it’s more so the way that I feel I guess! The fear has subsided which only aids in the feeling of me feeling like I desire this lol. I agree with you and I am sure that a great percentage of this is still my ocd regardless of how I feel. I’m trying to manage my outbursts and my anger because this is usually a result of those two. I’ve gotten a new therapist that’s trying to help me accept my feelings and not label them as good, bad, right, or wrong . Thanks for your advice :)

68273

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Ihateocd72 This is where I am, through erp, my anxiety has come down(that’s the point right) but because the thoughts are still there alone with depression, it makes it seem as this is the new me

Ihateocd72

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@68273 OMG YES! Not to mention I have a bad habit of agreeing with my thoughts when I get angry or frustrated and saying things I later regret

68273

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@68273 I have gotten stuck with this many times before and then I fall back to compulsions , does your therapist give you any insight as to what to do with this ?

68273

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Ihateocd72 I had suicidal ocd, and it was so scary. Then it jumped all over the place

Ihateocd72

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@68273 Lately weve been working with her and she wants me to stop agreeing…I’m not sure how not to j just get so riled up with my anxiety that I just give in and agree it’s so painful not to.

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 19w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

tayloraniston

Date posted: 17w

Suicidal ocd

I’m not suicidal by any means, I had a thought one time when I was going through some stuff and ever since then I wake up every morning and think about it all day I have thoughts like “did I mean that?” “Did I want that?” “Am I gonna think this all day” “would I really do that” and literally it’s to the point it’s driving me nutssss please tell me I’m not alone and please tell me how you got through this, I started antidepressants about 6 days ago it’s called Effexor for the mean time I need some advice

smolstitch

Date posted: 13w

TW: Suicidal OCD question

Hey y’all. I have suicidal OCD and I feel that it manifests in a strange way. I feel like my brain often encourages me to kill myself. Like my most dominant thought isn’t ’what if you kill yourself’, it’s ’you should kill yourself.’ It tends to amp up every time I make some mistake, even if it’s small. And it definitely gets worse during times of stress. I don’t want to kill myself and I wouldn’t consider myself depressed. But if these thoughts are OCD, and are my brain trying to keep me safe from killing myself, why would it tell me to? I’d appreciate any insight.

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