Worried

I feel like it’s becoming too late for me to be saved. I am really worried about the disgusting sexual thoughts I’ve had. My family and I went to get ice cream and we were standing outside eating and there were these kids and their dad riding by on bikes, I barely saw them out of the corner of my eye because I don’t want to look at kids because I’m afraid cause I know my mind will say something to scare me. Well my mind was trying to tell me I was mad there was kid around. What?? No I’m not mad. I think it’s sweet they were riding to the ice cream shop with their dad. The only thing that makes me mad or upset is that I can’t be a normal person and have normal thoughts. But I told myself that and I tried to let it go. We went back to the car after we ate and sat for a minute looking at these alpacas that someone brought for an event, and there was a lady walking over to them with her granddaughter. I literally just was looking up to the alpacas, and they were standing right there next to them but my mind was trying to tell me that I was looking at the kids bottom. I hate even typing that it’s weird and gross. I’m really bothered by that but I’m worried that I feel too calm. I’m worried I’m too calm about everything right now. I barely had any sleep last night and I cried a lot yesterday so maybe that’s why, maybe I’m burnt out. But I also feel like me saying that is making excuses and trying to get everyone to feel bad for me like oh she cried she must be innocent. I just constantly have sexual thoughts about everything and it’s getting so hard to live with. I feel numb but I also feel worried and upset and terrified and confused and angry with myself. I’m getting help soon but I just feel like I’m worried it’s too late and I’m going to be sent away. I don’t want to be a danger to anybody, I’m terrified of being a predator. I keep worrying on things from the past and some things wondering why I never worried about them before or if some of them are true or not, and I just feel like life is getting harder in my head every day. My life is so happy, it’s me that’s the problem. I don’t want to leave my family but I want to leave my brain I can’t deal with it anymore. I feel so selfish for feeling this way. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Does anyone have any advice for how to bring this up with a therapist? I think I’ll be doing telehealth. I’ve never seen a therapist before. I just want to get better but I don’t even know how you bring things up like that. I don’t want to scare anybody. It’s harder because I don’t have any official diagnosis and also I’ve heard sometimes you have to be careful what you say or they’ll send you away. But also if I’m dangerous then that’s what I would deserve. And I am worried I am so I’m scared but I just want to work through things and be a normal functioning and safe person to be around. I feel trapped. I am so worried about anything affecting my family and I feel so nervous being around anyone but I also hate being alone.

OCDisHell

Date posted: 1y

The one thing you have to think about is people without ocd may have the same thoughts and not realize it... people with OCD go "woah wait a minute what was that thought about?" and it causes the anxiety and rumination cycle of OCD

drak4

Date posted: 1y

Hi. It is so sad to read this all, but there is so much hope for you. What you write is definitely case of OCD in my opinion and many here would agree - but I highly recommend to see a official OCD specialist. OCD specialists are really good to treat it and they already had cases as you. My OCD specialist heard from me things simmilar to you and was helpfull. Other psychologist can misunderstood who do not have expertise in OCD. But OCD expert will never judge you and can help. Do you know someone in your area who specialize on OCD or anxiety disorders? These people can help. Also CBT or ERP therapists can be helpfull. I do not recommend talk therapy and psychodynamic for OCD - it was not beneficial for me. ... Till you find right specialist you can help yourself enormously by learning some basics od ACT - acceptance and commitment therapy - in case of OCD it can be applied that when intrusive thought came you do non engage with it and instead refocus your attention to here and now and act according your values ... it about accepting that there is pain in life, but not getting be focused only on it and then suffer and miss all the beuty of life - there is a big difference between having intrusive thoughts and then refocusing ti enjoy your day and accepting a amound of pain in it and to suffer whole day focused on wanna get rid of these thoughts - it is first soo hard and needs so much courage...but after refocusing many times, your mind will learn that intrusive thoughts are false alarms... right now you react on them as real alarm by fear and compulsions ... I had simmilar case to you also sexual intrusive thoughts including kids... you are not far gone...many people recovered from pocd ... mind is capable to recover... you are not danger to society... people with OCD are not danger... people who do not act on their thoughts continue to not act on their thoughts...because these thoughts are unwanted intrusive thoughts - there is a BIG difference between these and real fantasies of dangerous people. Dangerous people are in aligment with their bad thoughts, their bad thoughts are not same as OCD thoughts. You are a contrary person to predator. You want be so good and safe to kids that your fear brings up all this intrusive nonsense up. It is fear based... but you slowly will learn there is nothing to fear ... you are so worthy of love and underatand and are a good person...we are here to help you...many people here had simmilar story ... and cried at nights... it is okay to sometimes cry... OCD can be hard...we need compassion and self compassion ... do not worry that you do not worry enought... it is another trap ... really try to refocus on some good things when these thoughts came...accept them but do not engage with them ... I am sad that you are going trought this, but there is way out ...way out is trought ... you are brawe... you will win ... nobody is far gone... there is a way out ... nowdays OCD is treatable by so good therapies - ERP and CBT ( and CBT modalities as MCT and ACT) ... I hope it all be good for you ...

bloominglotus

Date posted: 1y

@drak4 Thank you so much for taking this time to leave this advice. I appreciate it so so much. I will look into seeing if there are people near me who specialize specifically in OCD. Thank you tremendously for your kind words.

conquer_fear

Date posted: 1y

@bloominglotus - You can access these therapists through this website. I had my first telehealth session today.

Anonymous5963

Date posted: 1y

I think starting with therapy is a great start your not a lost cause by all means you are stronger than this and the fact your on here and looking for help is amazing stay strong!

conquer_fear

Date posted: 1y

Hey sweetheart, you have OCD, so you can stop beating yourself up now. Your disturbing thoughts do not define who you are. You need to get with a therapist who specializes in Exposure Response Therapy and OCD, so they can thoroughly explain your OCD to you.

bloominglotus

Date posted: 1y

@gdman Thank you so much

Mitch4

Date posted: 1y

Your not alone, I feel the EXACT same way but a different theme. It’s debilitating, I hope you find the right therapist to help you reach recovery.

Lulu~

Date posted: 20w

Someone please help me right now

I’m a csa survivor which made me develop hypersexuality while actually being a asexual individual. (Where I did CP and talked to groomers and sexted, ect ect) A few months ago I’ve started to heal, but the fact that I’ve seen so many private parts since I was idk, young? I imagine them everywhere, it’s really frustrating and sometimes I also get intrusive thoughts about other kids or my siblings. It’s deeply distributing but I also kind of think of it from a curious kind of aspect which I despise too. Honestly I have a hard time with any kid in underwear, my intrusive thoughts have been ALOT the last months and they’re really really overwhelming. I also easily go into overanalysing them or even trying to figure out more clearer the thoughts to “test myself”. I think, I hope. Idk it’s scary

POCD

Mitu_001

Date posted: 15w

Tw I am so scared

I am so scared of everything .Of my thoughts.If I am a good person.Years ago I didnt help a kid who was in danger.Since then I started to have terrible thoughts :( i am so terrified.I still have these thoughts and I am scared it means something about me .I really dont want to hurt anyone and I want to help that kid now but idk how I can now.Also I am scared I betray everyone.I still have terrible thoughts and when I am with someone I care is worse...idk why.For example I started to talk with a collegue and he is really nice to me.I told him some things abt me( not the intrusive thoughts) and he was supportive.I have no idea if I will tell anyone abt my thoughts..and bcs of that I feel like I lie to them and betray them.I really want to enjoy my life and be happy and support people( especially because I didnt help that kid then).I want to live up to my morals now but I feel like I lie and manipulate people bcs I am a monster.Is this normal? To feel this way? What can I do? What if I am my worst fear and just cant accept it?!

1231234

Date posted: 10w

Tips for someone starting out with Therapy?

I’m on track to getting my diagnosis and i’m already questioning it. Pocd feels so real, and even though i once saw someone say “it has to feel real or you wouldn’t worry” which is like god level reassurance honestly, it hurts. I can’t look at children, they deserve better. My usual attraction seems to be gone and i can not think about anything else. At the same time i don’t really feel anxiety. I’m scared i don’t feel bad enough, if i just smiled maybe i honestly wouldn’t feel bad? I don’t have many other ocd symptoms either, except for some stuff when i was a kid and like questioning everything about myself. I’m clinging to the hope that this is Pocd instead of me being a Monster and at the same time i’m so sad that i have to go trough this. I don’t like myself but i’m sorry for my younger self. I just want to be held and be told that everything will be okay but how can i know? Even then i feel like comfort of that kind only really applies to others who are struggling and aren’t horrible like me. In so many ways i sm convinced i am a monster even though it might be a bit irrational. Maybe i’m a monster after all and then i should really get away from everyone i love. They deserve better :( After a lifetime of struggles (nothing super serious) i’m just getting started with therapy and i’m so.. scared. What if it won’t help? What if it turns out i’m the bad person i fear to be. Is there any way i can prepare or some tips or literally anything else? I would appreciate any wise words

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