Hey, new here, looks like a supportive community x

I’ve always had OCD, and for most of my life it was little things that seemed manageable at the time or something that would phase out of my head within a couple days/weeks/months. But, the older I got the more severe it became, I’d find myself collapsing deeper and deeper within my own head trying to out think the thoughts that bothered me. About a year ago I had a thought that rattled me to my core. My brothers and I were watching a movie in our mother’s room when my youngest brother turned to me to say something. His close proximity to me triggered a fleeting sexually explicit image in my head and that thought caused me to spiral. Asking questions like, “are you attracted to your minor brother? Are you attracted to minors? Are you gay? Etc.” a couple days went by and my mental stability continued to crumble until I broke down to my mother, she was understanding and we found a a psychiatrist. I got on medication and for a while everything was slowly but surely trending in a positive direction. The thoughts would still pop into my head but they were becoming more manageable. As we all know OCD and mental illness comes in waves. Currently my OCD has been pretty severe. I feel those intrusive thoughts latching on in my head and it’s been very hard to kick them. It’s gotten to the point where I find myself being uncomfortable being in close proximity with my little brother because I feel as though I am capable of harming him in any way. And the more uncomfortable I become being around him the more I find myself lashing out in anger towards the people I care about the most. Those moments of anger cause me to spiral even farther as my head fills with ideas like “what if you are capable of hurting someone or even murdering them?” There’s times where these thoughts rattle me so much that I feel like it would be better to be in prison where I couldn’t harm someone or that even being dead would be a better solution than possibly running the risk of hurting someone in my life I care about. This is about the jist of it, a majority of the OCD I have is centered around the idea that I am capable of harming my little brother physically, mentally, sexually. It’s been exhausting and it feels like there is no end in sight.

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

hi everyone, i just joined and this is my first time really seeking help for my mental health. i’ve always thought i could handle the thoughts on my own but it’s getting harder every day and starting to becoming debilitating in some aspects of my life. i’m not educated enough on a lot of forms of OCD and i’ve never spoken to a professional (i plan to soon) but i think i may have some form of harm OCD? reading the descriptions of it and learning about others stories, i feel i can safely say i have experienced harm OCD, however the bulk of my thoughts don’t revolve around me hurting someone, instead i have very graphic and intrusive thoughts/ visions of my loved ones dying in all kinds of ways. I obsessively watch my boyfriends location as he drives because i need to be sure he is alive and moving. when he leaves i have to say the same prayer (i am not religious) like a mantra three times. if i see a loved one a “dangerous” situation, say standing at the top of stairs, stepping on rocks at the beach, leaning on a balcony, etc. i will have INCREDIBLY real and vivid images flash in my head of them dying. the images are so graphic and make me have a visceral physical reaction. some images have stuck with me for years and they will “flash” in my head all day, every day. almost every time i shower, walk by a curb, i have a split second image of me or a loved one tripping and hitting my head. i will be sitting on the couch and see the corner of a table and my whole body will shiver hard because i imagined slipping and hitting my head. sometimes this makes me stay up all night because i can’t control or stop the thoughts and i will have a panic attack. I also have always really bad thoughts revolving driving. i drive a LOT and luckily it hasn’t interfered with my ability to do so, but since i started driving almost ten years ago i have had the same little mantra that i repeat three times EVERY time i put the car in drive. i have several items in my car that can not leave or i am convinced something horrible will happen. this year i got a new car and i had horrible panic attacks and anxiety leading up, to the point where i almost considered backing out. i sobbed when i tried to Not transfer my “safety items” from my last car to my new one. i am proud to say that there were a couple items that i was able to throw out, not including a dead, petrified beetle (gross i know) that i have kept 3 different cars (for OCD reasons, im not gross) last thing for this post- for as long as i can remember, i do this thing where i poke my fingernails into my palms very hard until i feel pain so i can assure that im alive. kind of like a “pinch me im dreaming thing”. i will not cut my nails short because when i do, the poking doesn’t “hurt enough” so i cant reassure myself that im alive. i do it every time death is mentioned, i do it every. single. time. a semi truck is driving past me. i do it every time i have an intrusive thought, every time i see a motorcyclist, every time i feel “jinxed”, every time someone is driving too fast, etc. etc. etc. i did not expect to write so much in this first post, it just all kind of came out so if anyone has actually read this, thank you. i think i just want to know what this is and if anyone else has experienced something similar. thank you ❤️