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I'm not sure anything I say could shake that feeling of dread. In the past, it was something I had to gradually move past on my own. I guess I'll tell you what I wish I had known at your age. First, your life isn't being wasted. It hasn't even started yet. For a good amount of people, their lives don't really start until their 20s. That totally shouldn't even be a concern for you. If you were to dedicate the next 5 years just working on overcoming OCD, that wouldn't be a waste. You would still have an entire lifetime ahead of you. And secondly, I don't know what these mistakes are that you feel will haunt you forever, but I PROMISE you they are not as bad as you think. I cannot stress this enough. I spent so much of my life thinking I was a horrible person for dumb mistakes I made as a kid. But that's the thing; we were just kids. You have to understand it's just part of growing up. Can't be too hard on yourself. You've clearly learned from the past, and you still have so many future mistakes to learn from, but that's alright. We all do. It's part of being here dude. Don't feel guilty for it. This Christmas might not be the greatest for you, maybe not even the next, but I promise you one of them will be. And it'll be that much more special because of this. And just one last thing, you don't have to feel sad. You don't have to stop yourself from forgetting about it all. I don't know if you have this problem too, but I used to feel guilty for even enjoying myself. I'd forget about all my worries for a little bit, then I'd suddenly remember and feel like I had to go back to being sad. Like I deserved to be miserable constantly. I just hope you give yourself a break sometimes.

Have you send a physiatrist? Meds might help

I'm so sorry you're struggling, please know you're not alone. There are many of us on here who also struggle. You deserve to get better, you deserve to live the life you want, no matter what. Recovery is a journey that takes time and practice, keep trying, you are worth it. When you are on the other side of this disorder, your journey will inspire others who are suffering. Take care!

Everyone has mistakes that haunt them forever. I have done messed up things that still haunt me til this day and I know other people who have messed up but they are still good people. I did something really messed up last year and I also felt like my life was wasted and honestly so many people feel the same after doing something they regret. Good people can do bad things and bad people can do good things.

Be patient time will give you perspective. We are all human and will make mistakes sometimes big ones. The important part is to acknowledge them which you have, learn from them, and to try to do a little better each time as life goes on. I have a hard time letting go of past mistakes and I sometimes fixate on them as well. It can really waste a lot of time which can make you feel even worse about it. There is a book called brain lock you might be able to find at your public library for free or close to it that could help with OCD.