Struggling with obsessive thoughts about faith and seeking certainty in beliefs.

Hi everyone, I think I’ve struggled with OCD since I was a child but it’s seriously effecting my life now. I think I have what you would call Philosophical/ Existential OCD. I can’t stop questioning my reality, the truth of reality and the universe, enlightenment, Christianity, solipsism, god, myself, my own existence. It never ends. I don’t really know what to do anymore. I think I have Pure O, but I also compulsively google my questions and search through the answers for hours until I feel calm. The peace lasts all of 5 minutes and then I’m googling another question. It’s so stupid because I know the meaning of life isn’t found on the internet but I can’t handle it all on my own in my head.

I used to have Harm OCD but ever since I watched that Black Mirror episode called “Shut Up and Dance” my obsession has been on POCD. For a long time I was petrified of typing “child porn” into google so I did a lot of avoiding. But then I started trying to get reassurance that nothing bad would pop up if you googled it anyway. I got so fed up with the thought that I ended up typing it in myself. I felt disgusted and guilty, and was naive enough to think I would at least no longer have to worry about typing that anymore. But then all these what ifs pooped up like “you didn’t check Bing, Twitter, Yahoo, etc”. So I ended up checking again to ensure myself that nothing would pop up. Then it got worse where I typed in some really disgusting things into google again because I just couldn’t handle the anxiety and uncertainty. I felt stupid every time and powerless. I managed to go about a week without checking but today an intrusive memory came back about a youtube link that had a questionable title in it when I google searched. So ended up going back and checked the video only to of course see that it was nothing horrible. I feel scared and paranoid. Like I have no control of myself. I hate this compulsion and I can’t love myself for doing all this. I’ve suffered from groinal responses and other sexual intrusive thoughts involving this theme but I just want someone to tell me I’m being paranoid. My mind won’t shut up about all this. It just wants me to keep checking and checking to make sure google is safe. How can I possibly love myself after all this? I don’t want this but the anxiety is unbearable and I can barely breathe. I didn’t think it would ever get this bad and it feels like even when I resist OCD wins anyway... or at least I hope it’s OCD.

Really thought about whether or not to post this but I’m really struggling and wondering if anyone has gone through the same thing/what helped them out of it. I have fears of psychosis/schiz/delusions and I started having intrusive thoughts that sound and feel delusional even though I know they’re not true, and I don’t actually believe them. I obsess over whether I think they’re true and if I’m actually delusional, then I start to feel really disconnected and dreamy (like derealization?) but then I get worried that I’m actually dissociating and/or losing my mind. I rly struggle w these thoughts as they make me so uncomfortable and make me feel like I am delusional. I will reread things I wrote, rethink things I have already said to make sure they’re coherent, argue w my thoughts, constantly check to make sure I know who I am, where I am, know who my family is, etc. to ensure I’m not losing my mind. My themes switch from this, to harm ocd and I’m just really having a hard time w the thoughts mixed w the disconnected feeling. It makes me want to stay in bed forever and cry because I don’t wanna feel this way anymore. Any advice would be so helpful.