I Knew It Wasn’t Normal

As a child I would constantly wake up from slumber to check if my mother left me when I’ve never experienced abandonment. I needed all my crayons in the box IMMEDIATELY after use and it had to be slanted when used so it still appeared sharp. I was told that I just want to stay home and not be a part of the activities and watch cartoons all day. I was told to hurry up and eat so they could leave but I was still counting my chews, and hurry up to catch up with the rest of the group but I was counting my steps on the pavement. I was certain that me making this crumpled up paper into the trashcan would prevent my mom from dying. I knew that the volume being on an even number ENSURED that my family was safe. If I ran to catch the microwave and opened it at FOUR SECONDS ON THE DOT my daughter’s father wouldn’t start a nonsensical coke enraged argument with me just to ruin the house.. I had to find a way to mask, as a black child. In family, in most of black families, we’re told it’s a “white people thing” to feel this way. That it “ain’t nothin but the devil”, and that nothing was wrong with me. All that I should do is pray and trust some man in the clouds and I’ll be okay.. But I’m not okay. 😕

OCDisHell

Date posted: 2y

I've dealt with OCD from about the age of 8, although I think it could of been sooner, but as a child I found myself alone with these terrible thoughts alot, because if I tried to explain it to my parents they would say things like "let it go", "you need thicker skin", "that's all in your head", or "enough already, we're tired of hearing it". My mother was the one who would suggest going to church or praying for God to help me. It wasn't until about the age of 11/12 that I told my parents I didn't want to live anymore and they finally took me to a Psychologist who officially diagnosed me with OCD, anxiety and major depressive disorder. My childhood years were hell on earth, literally. My father was a drunk who would go into rages and destroy things or "flip out" on me. He had no sympathy or compassion for anything I brought up. It annoyed him and he didn't want to deal with it so I suffered quietly in my room alone quite often. School was the worst. This was around 1992 or so and there weren't any where near the resources there are now for mental health so the teachers would have the same responses as my parents. The biggest problem with trying to explain OCD is that it is very illogical so people are confused by it or quickly dismiss it as something else. While I can't relate to the experience you had as a black child, I definitely can relate to your experience as a child with OCD. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. God bless.

MelaninMoet

Date posted: 2y

@OCDisHell Very relatable situations and I appreciate this comment wholeheartedly. Please do understand that I only mentioned being a black child because of the resources not being available/provided to me through Medicaid and my parent’s prejudice beliefs and ignorance of what black people “couldn’t catch” making it seem as though I’m “acting white” and distressed in a community of my people who feel this very commonly and have to begin masking early to not seem insane. I hope it didn’t offend as if I was making my life seem more difficult. Once again, I appreciate the time you took to make this amazingly vulnerable comment. Bless you 😩🥹

OCDisHell

Date posted: 2y

@MelaninMoet No worries and no need to explain. We all come from different backgrounds with different nuances, traditions, sayings, customs so no offense taken. I wish you nothing but the best.

MelaninMoet

Date posted: 2y

@OCDisHell 🥰

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond