[LONG] My ongoing journey with Pure O OCD

It's been 22 months since I fell victim to existential OCD and heavy depersonalization, and it feels like an eternity. I can't shake off this feeling of not existing like I'm on autopilot and everything around me is just a blur. I can't connect with my family and friends, and worst of all, I couldn't even recognize myself in any of the pictures I had. It's like I'm living in a parallel universe, detached from reality. Nobody realises that some people have to expend tremendous energy daily merely to be normal in the eyes of others. My faith deconstruction was kicked off as my anxiety and OCD worsened and inner critique of the most strongly held beliefs I had for no good reason to hold it's a double ended sword it made me see the world for what it really is and accept that no body truly has an understanding of what all existence is all about as well as maintaining my anxiety and worstening it at times no longer for the sake that we dont know why we have something instead of nothing but instead the implications this have with the people in my life that think there is a reason. My mind is constantly paralyzed with thoughts on matters of existence, and I've fallen so behind on my med-school work that I don't think I can catch up anymore. The tuition fees are burning in front of my eyes, and it exaggerates my anxiety. I've always wanted to get into med school, and I suffered so much to get into it, reapplying three times. Now it seems like everything is slipping away from me, and I'm powerless to stop it. I know my OCD is constantly seeking comfort, and I may come across as wanting you to conform to my way of thinking. But please understand, more often than not, during my rants, I forget this. I don't want to continue this cycle all of this is unwanted, and I need to remind myself to love myself. In the past, I had health anxiety for about a year and a half, and it evolved into my mind convincing me that I was schizophrenic because I thought intrusive thoughts were the same as hearing voices. It's been a long and hard journey, going through different phases of Harm OCD, Solipsism, and finally Existential/Pure-o. I just hope that someday, I'll find my way out of this darkness. For the past year, not a thought goes by that isn't about the matter of why I exist and how, and what may lie beyond us. That's when I (now regrettably) opened up to my mom about this issue, and her answer was for me to participate in the Islamic faith again. I went back to Islam to find answers and enjoyed learning about its formation and how it shaped our world today in matters of science, mathematics, and philosophy. I also interacted with other Muslims to learn more about the religion and removed some major misconceptions I had due to improper teaching. Overall, I have a newfound respect for it and what it provided humanity with, especially in the more progressive and “free thinking” Islamic traditions that are, for some reason, stifled and castigated against as they don't adhere to the dogmatic mainstream. I also fell in love with the stories in it, which I see as allegorical and not literal. But saying that is enough to get my head on a stick in some places and would cause arguments with my mom. I came out with even more questions than I came in with, and the nature of my OCD keeps flip-flopping, doubting myself, and wanting a concrete answer to life. But I realized that limiting my beliefs to one book that lacks evidence for its claims, as well as problems with interpreting the texts (as there is no such thing as an objective reading into such texts as society evolves and context is incredibly important), was not doing it for me a book that stands for everything simultaneously stands for nothing. It caused a form of critical thought suicide. A God with all knowledge, power, etc., could make it easier to make the message objective with no forms of interpretation to make logical sense. It was kind of naïve and ignorant and bred tribalism throughout my life, especially watching my parents bicker constantly over which one was true or not, chucking books all over. That's when I came to know that all religions do is separate us from each other and the environment around us. I was taught as a child that everyone but us (Muslims to an extent) is going to perish by eternal torment, but God is simultaneously merciful and loving and allows forms of terrible evil (terminal illnesses and environmental disasters) to do so, especially knowing that there are 4200+ other religions throughout human history out there with 330m+ deities, is blissful ignorance and contradiction that I cannot ignore (a gamble) as they deny all of them based on ignorance and not finding out which would then make you an atheist with respect to the other religions yet they fail to see this and want me to do the same thing with no justification as to why. You can give me good reasons to, but that doesn't negate all the others or prove them wrong and yours right and in doing so you're being bigoted no matter what. Not to say that all justifications of beliefs are delusional I see religion as something that can be very important to some and provides meaning to their lives, especially after times of calamity etc as well as forming privative communities used to fight injustices and side with the poor in that era and additionally can be used to justify its exact opposite (exploitation war etc) and for me, it never really helped me especially when I need it the most it's always a sunk cost... There's so much more to this life than the cages of religious dogmas and superstition. Dogmatic individuals have many problems in understanding new ideas as they are comfortable in their stubborn ignorance and are hostile when you point it out... They fail to realize that their life experience determined by their material conditions shape their beliefs and to say one is better than the others is nothing but flat-out garbage as you cannot know because you can't experience their lived experience and her spamming me videos of people converting as "proof" that the religion is tRuE is beyond ludicrous but I know she only has good intentions but is unaware that no matter how good these intentions seem to you to others they can be the opposite. It's just that I do not appreciate when someone uses their own personal reasons to believe in it and put it on me like it would work the same that breeds insincerity and false belief additionally using mechanisms of shame, guilt, and fear to reinforce your beliefs to be objective truth is simply cruel and condescending. Insincere belief on matters of God is disbelief you cant simply force yourself to become sincere as that's doing the complete opposite it must come from within as it is simply personal and has no justifications as to why you have it you simply have it and it gave you a piece of mind and without someone constantly telling you to do it on their behalf. It comes off as very pushy, arrogant and two-dimensional and lacks any nuance and diverts me from even giving it a chance as I don't fit into your " rigid confines of why you should". I feel like I'm being gaslit and bullied, and forced to pick sides that I don't fully accept. I never explicitly chose not to believe our of rebellion or sake of personal gain this was a lonley and devastating realisation based on reason as opposed to my prior religious convictions fueled on purely emotional appeals and group think resulting in me never actually about if the beliefs I hold were true in the first place but instead if it can provide emotional support causing me to interpret scripture written in days old and renegotiate with it inorder to fit my current progressive worldview that's what Kickstarted my realisation of how dishonest things like that can be especially in the hands of an authority . The unsubstantiated claims and internal contradictions increase my ruminating to paralyzing levels due to the presence of uncertainty, leaving me feeling like I never had a choice. Instead of being raised as a carbon copy of my parents, why was I not raised to find my own truth and not recycle borrowed ones that are not self-evident? I know confessing and arguing with others is inherently compulsive behavior, but I always want to give in, and doing so will result in more problems, so I MUST refrain. Forcing someone down a path to a treasure they don't want robs me of a life that is my own; it's like I'm living their unlived lives. The inner parent in my mind is rarely enlightened or aligned with my intentions, yet I can observe how deeply these things run. My parents' views rarely stick out in my mind; they merge with mine, lose their identifying labels, and become sides of everyday consciousness, indistinguishable from what we more broadly want and believe.

funphish21

Date posted: 1y

I am deeply grateful to each one of you who took the time to read my journey with Pure O OCD. Your empathy and understanding have been a source of strength, breaking down the walls of isolation that often accompany mental health struggles. To those facing similar battles, your courage is commendable, and I believe in your resilience. Recovery is a journey with ups and downs, but each step forward is a testament to your strength. Thank you for sharing this path with me, and may we all find the courage and strength to navigate life's complexities.

funphish21

Date posted: 1y

The stigmatization and stereotyping surrounding mental health issues need to be overcome, and only then can we make a difference. As a person of faith, my mother often feels that religion can provide me with solace and comfort. But it's tough for her to understand that the kind of OCD I am battling makes it impossible for me to accept anything blindly. It's not a matter of me rejecting religion or faith; it's about finding my own path. I want my life back and from the out side it looks like I'm lazy and complacent and borderline insane but inside there's a full blown war im fighting internally minute by minute and being told things like ("I don't want you to follow any philosophy it's of the devil" " How on earth can you not know if there is a god or not" I always imagined you to be this type of person" "Just pray harder and more often" "Read Quran" "Stop being so crazy" "your hell bound" "We already talked about this why are you bringing it up again are you broken" “ its for your own good” “how many times do i have to tell you this” "Don't you fear your creator" “your not atheist right? (Im not) "your just being lazy" "your scared of commitment" " You don't look OCD/CRAZY" “When are you gonna make your mind up already " How do you know science is real?" "What if the moon is a hologram as you haven't been there you wouldn't know" "your just not serious" "your my son and thus all our beliefs should be the same because of this")" faith isn't a personal affair and should be forced in order to be real" “faith is science” “ You rely on faith on scientific matters” It's disheartening when my mother projects her ignorance as an objective reality, and it's essential for her to acknowledge and accept her areas of ignorance. I wish her a long, healthy, and happy life, but I hope she understands that I cannot compromise on my beliefs, as they are essential to my well-being. It's not a matter of me being a traitor to the family name or lacking moral agency. As an agnostic for the past five years, I have not associated myself with any religion. It's challenging to deal with existential OCD, which causes intrusive thoughts and makes me doubt everything, including my own doubts. It's crucial for my mother to understand how OCD works and that religion cannot fix it. Life is full of changes, and my life-changing event was going into med school after three years of struggling with the pandemic. I want my mother to understand that forcing religion on me is not the solution. Instead, I need her love and support to overcome my struggles. And for people without OCD, they don't recognize its intricacies once hearing that something they are doing are triggering your behaviour they will then do the opposite of what they were doing for example in this context i would like her to accept /understand my position/ beliefs without any antagonism and anger (that could potentially fuel my ruminations) this will then cause my brain to potentially find a small detail that wasn't bought up in the past to clear that uncertainty up and the cycle goes on forever as your brain is trying to reach certainty but cannot attain it. IT'S SO PAINFUL TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT AS WORDS CAN ONLY EXPLAIN SO MUCH!!!! I just want her to know that I must leave these questions unanswered for now at least no matter how "serious" or "pressing" they are according to her for my rumination to cease as that is what causes my Ocd to end. As the ocd causes me to ruminate its reinforces these thoughts to my brain as if it was an important life-threatening issue and the only way to fix it is to do a compulsion that is the lie it tells you because no matter how much i do said compulsion the rumination worsens its so hard to not give in to my thoughts. This sounds stupid of course because these questions seem so important, but one of the indicators of OCD symptoms is an urgency and persistence to ruminate. Your brain is only trying to keep you alive by recalling thoughts that distract you and make you do something about it remember this I know it's hard but i gotta keep going. The thing about my relationship with philosophy thanks to my ocd is no matter how hard I think or read philosophical/ religious texts etc OCD is not solved by logic and it makes me feel like I'm the only one to come up with these thoughts like I'm some kind of philosopher when in matter of fact many people with the same condition go through these same compulsions. And simply not knowing all the answers of life and embracing it in this present moment is all that matters to me A mind that is full of conclusions is a dead mind, it is not a living mind. A living mind is a free mind, learning, never concluding. and I'm more happier by just being curious about our existence without any strings attached just letting go of everything labels and all and dont feel the need to push my thinking on others. It's so nauseating as ocd is known for you to doubt anything, everything and constantly argue in your head with that person like they are the reason your ocd is getting worse but in fact they are trying to help you but unfortunately, they do not understand the nature of this and will feed the compulsions. Unlike health anxiety which I had 3/4 years ago you can't use logic to break it clearing doubts create more doubts that's why I shouldn't clear them and let them settle... Also, I would involve myself with religion/philosophy servers and forums to discuss these matters and have a perspective change on specific matters that result in me to research further as a form of compulsion then to go back and confirm with them if that's the "right" beliefs to have, etc. Thankfully I have left these spaces 3 months ago due to my realization that it wasn't due to a personal interest in these matters (not 100% anyway) but it was a form of fear dressed up as practicality and I'm still suffering with the ruminations 🥲 not as much as before tho so from 100% to 90%. Typing this I constantly add new details to the story time and time again and I guarantee it's gonna continue happening as it will never stop that alone is proof I have ocd 😂😅. From time to time in this passage it seems like I want them to conform to my way of thinking and argue as my ocd is uncomfortable with uncertainty and is constantly seeking it as it won't be able to trigger my permutative thoughts by conforming to them but more often than not during my rants I forget this fact and become extremely and regrettably argumentative which in turn worsens my ocd as there is new material that will reverberate in my skull. I feel like I need to stop trying to explain to my mother about all of these things, as she does not respond well to the conflict of opinion or facts presented. These facts have been shown to be true several times and are sourced through repeatable tests and large sample sizes. They do not actively seek knowledge on matters of importance such as politics and philosophy to understand a changing world, but instead are comfortable with the bubble they created for themselves. While this is fine for them, to reiterate, trying to project that onto me is a mistake, especially as they act in bad faith to all of my objections and explanations. There is no dialogue, just castigation over and over again. These things permutate in my mind and it's incredibly draining for my mental health, the status of our relationship, and my inner peace. I can guarantee the same thing is happening to them. This life is too short to get tribalistic and insanely toxic about your beliefs, especially to the detriment of your relationships. We do not know when we may succumb to illness or death, and the last thing I want is to remember about my mother is arguing about something we cannot control or verify with 100% certainty what kind of legacy is that? . We only have this present moment together in this short existence, and it will never come back. As I age, I will be more distant from my family as I pursue my endeavors, so any time I have with them must be fruitful. It's painful for me having to separate myself from them and appear more guarded than usual but I do it because I don't want to make matters worse by telling them which in turn makes it worse for me compounding this with other worries eg school finance etc really wears me down I just want to be accepted for who I am independent of what religion or nonreligion I may have I don't want to lead a double life, unfortunately, things like religion strips them of the very things that make us different to animals which is our unique essence built on empathy and reason and they have sacrificed it on an altar for an unknowable being who does all sorts of unimaginable and immoral things.

funphish21

Date posted: 1y

The worst part of it all was that my simply stating my reasons caused my mother to cry and subconsciously I couldn't forgive myself but deep down i felt furious for the sake that ultimately it wasn't me it was the religion that has made my mother feel that way as she fully believes people like me are dammed for eternity and unfortunately this still affects me to this day as my ocd will constantly play this in my mind on repeat constantly posing questions like what if this and what if that etc as well as causing me to endlessly argue with myself to prove a point but its all in vain as i did not desire any of this in the first place these unwanted thoughts still come in and it sucks me of my life and the aspirations I want to do and the man i want to become in the future all cease because of this incessant endless natter in the back of my mind fuled with despair and anxiety And in their mind, they probably think that something is drastically wrong with me because I'm not interacting with them as I would before this ocd mess. But deep down I am the same person that I was when I was religious and I am always there for them these things don't change me as a human at all I try my best to always be available when they need help and I'm always there. it's Insanely unbearable to watch the fam and the people i love potentially being duped into thinking im a threat by means of decisiveness and hatred based on doctrinal belief systems under the guise of love and happiness it kills me. I believe that this OCD primarily has its roots in the back and forth and pain knowing and unknowing as well as things i hold dear like family and my future. Religion albeit from my parents preys upon fears, twisting and manipulating until it finds a way to sink its teeth in and latch on tight. It's a vicious cycle, starting with the teachings of moderate Islam, then transitioning to the terror of rapture evangelism, and now, in the midst of my OCD crisis, I find myself seeking refuge in yet another religion. But love? My fear and fear, in general, is often generated by this black-and-white thinking and the constant coercion that occurs breeds productivity for the short term and apathy in the long term i am apathetic to all of this and that's treated as some kind of sacrilegious act she cannot entertain my ideas and is seeking conflict on these matters no matter how hard I retreat and divert the conversation she will notice this and continue to bargain further crumbling my sanity… Love was never a part of the equation. Fear was the driving force behind my blind acceptance of these irrational beliefs, and the consequences of non-compliance were too terrible to even contemplate. Even now, I find myself scouring through past experiences, desperately searching for any shred of evidence that might justify my beliefs but ill fall into a vicious cycle of circular reasoning. But all this fear has left me with a myriad of paranoias and catastrophic thoughts that plague me, even in the smallest of matters. Fear has snuffed out any flicker of love, suffocating it until it no longer exists. These two things are diametrically opposed, one used to bind us in cages of the mind, while the other is meant to set us free. The very idea of dogmas gives some individuals a false sense of what it means to be religious, and they attempt to impose this on others. But when you confront them with contradictions and flaws in their thinking - like pointing out a verse in their holy books that they aren't following - they become defensive and hostile. Their entire worldview is threatened, and they start to drag others down to their level by rationalizing their beliefs. They fail to realize that personal faith and familial grooming gave them their conviction, and that it cannot be forced on others through platitudes and argumentation. Think about it - did any of the great mystics of our time, like Jesus, Muhammad, or Buddha, simply argue to people to join them on their journey? Of course not. They didn't need theology to prove their experiences; it was based on their encounter with consciousness and the life they led after that. They formed communes, helped the sick, and taught people how to think, not what to think. That's what made them religious people, and their fragrance drew people towards them. But after their deaths, the clerics, priests, monks, imams, and rabbis created sects, laws to follow, and formulated the creed. They did this to consolidate their power, retranslating everything the mystics said to neutralize the impact of their teachings. This is how the cult was formed, and it's a tragedy that so many people have fallen for it. After years of enduring the constant bickering and verbal assaults between parents of "opposing" religions, I have come to the realization that God simply cannot be found in such a toxic environment. The never-ending cycle of book-bashing and belief-yelling is nothing but a childish diatribe that only breeds conspiratorial idealism, hatred, and superstition. It's no wonder that these beliefs cannot stand up to academic or scientific scrutiny. As someone with a functioning brain, it makes perfect sense for me to step away from this nonsense and focus on things that actually matter. I refuse to be an ideological pawn, blindly supporting the confirmation biases of others. I am done subjecting myself to their brain rot, constantly bombarded with their polemical and reactionary videos, and anecdotal experiences. They are old enough to engage in academic sources and study why they hold the beliefs they do. Merely joining a religion or adopting a philosophy doesn't automatically make it the correct one. Conversely, leaving a religion doesn't automatically make it false. It's a logical fallacy to think that the universe is obligated to make sense to man. How arrogant of us to project our desires onto how things should and shouldn't work. MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY MY LIFE IS HELL EVERYDAY.

funphish21

Date posted: 1y

We are doing the same thing today but under different names eg capitalist realism, climate change denial etc We can go back in time to label these people as evil and are completely unaware of our own. The highest virtue is not concious of itself as virtuous and therefore really is virtue. Lower virtue is so self conscious that it isn't virtue for example breathing we don't congratulate ourselves for being virtuous but breathing is a great virtue. How do you know what's good for them or even yourself? It's full of conceit if you say you wanna improve then you ought to know what's good for you but you don't. Because if you did you would already be improved. Every man has 2 lives and the second one comes when you realise you only have one so I am apathetic to all forms of nonsensical pandering from my mom it's been too much of a burden to mould myself into some kinda robot. She says that I should seek God myself like he is some irresponsible pet owner left us to suffer in our cages full of shit and I'm supposed to reach out and embrace that thing? Her father was absent for the majority of her life and the only way she knew is because she has contacts (small clues into his whereabouts) to reach him and the only reason why she did it was because she chose to forgave him for what he did to her mother am I supposed to forgive god for putting me in this predicament especially one that I did not consent to? We don't have that for a God and if we did would it be necessary especially after leaving us in such mess and despair where cries for help in the time where we most need it are left unanswered and unattended without using any of his "all powerful" utilities do our cries mean nothing to him and when these cries are "answered" we are simply assigning those attributes to him when they were born out of our changes material circumstances if they were done by him it can easily be measured as we study matter all the time and we can determine which one did it. Worst of all we don't even know what God to consult for our sufferings as throughout human history we have made millions for ourselves in our own image via anthropomorphism for comfort and claiming that you have the real one requires evidence because as it stands right now we do these things through faith alone that is not synonymous with evidence to these things. I find it highly baffling for an all-merciful God to punish individuals for eternity over evidence he can easily pass forward many free will defenders will say that it infringes on it but that is simply untrue as you can still denounce something even if it's true we see it with flat earthers all the time also how would it infringe on free will if God already knows where we are going in everything we think, do, feel, see etc? That sounds like a major contradiction the idea of us being on divine strings like a puppet and still be punished over it for eternity dosent sound merciful whatsoever as these strings are his and his only assuming that this Abrahamic rendition of God is true all of these wishy washy terms and nothing to substantiate them this isn't to say that he does not exist but if he does he is sadistic and is that a virtue worthy of "kissing his feet"... Each day passes and the more I feel like it's better to live with questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be. Additionally, because feel like being this people pleaser for the sake of others over and over again causes me to lose myself in the entire process of life. To increase progress and not stifle it under dogma. Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways and my OCD plays this on repeat in my mind what did i do to deserve all of this…

Dee C

Date posted: 1y

Saw a similar post by you a few days ago. I bookmarked it and wanted to come back to finish reading but it was deleted. Thanks for reposting.

funphish21

Date posted: 1y

No worries my friend I wanted to put the full unedited version of this so everyone can understand how painful of a burden this had become on my life 😞

Dee C

Date posted: 1y

Please don’t give up your dreams and desires of going into the medical field.

funphish21

Date posted: 1y

Preciate the motivation man it's really hard sometimes man... I feel so useless with my ocd

funphish21

Date posted: 1y

My compulsions include: Googling philosophy,Binging physics documentaries,looking into science for a cause for everything, Critical thinking, Wondering how the universe is caused, Looking at naturalistic explanations for how we got here," If I research this one thought or topic my anxiety and compulsions will cease" Existence is all I think about, Questioning wether or not a god exists, feeling like I'm at a point of no return, Deep philosophical reading hours on end to find the answers and never being truly fulfilled by any, avoiding talking to her about religion, re-creating the argument in my head over and over, and mental obsessions, doom scrolling comment sections of posts regarding matters of philosophy religion etc getting triggered by some of them, arguing with fundamentalists and creationists and dogmatic atheists online, watching hours upon hours of debates to demonstrate a gods existence. Wondering that if I don't find the right and objective answer to life I wouldn't be able to live my life correctly, and if something was proven false I'd have to jump ship over and over what If this what if that etc… "what if this degree is right for me, what's the point anymore what if I don't enjoy life anymore and the people in my life suffer because of the actions I can take because of that." Every morning I wake up to a living nightmare, consumed by the all-consuming dread that washes over me like a tidal wave. It's like a never-ending war flashback, with my heart sinking and my mind racing with thoughts of impending doom. I am constantly tormented by memories of the arguments we had, the hurtful words that were flung my way, and the constant feeling of being cast out and alone. No matter how hard I try to shake these thoughts, they only grow stronger, louder, and more intense. It feels like I am trapped in a vicious cycle, unable to escape the grip of my anxiety and OCD. I used to be a gentle and kind person, but my OCD has turned me into someone I don't recognize. I am argumentative and defensive, always trying to cling to some semblance of certainty in a world that feels so chaotic and unpredictable. It's like my brain is constantly trying to bait me back into these negative thought patterns, convinced that they are a genuine threat to my very existence. And while I know that these thoughts are irrational and unfounded, my brain refuses to believe it. I want to break free from this cycle of fear and uncertainty, to find some semblance of peace and normalcy in my life. But every morning, as soon as I open my eyes, the reality of my situation sets in and I am consumed once again by the overwhelming weight of my anxiety. I know that I am not alone in this struggle, but it feels like an uphill battle every single day. I NEED TO PUT MY RELATIONSHIPS FORWARD AND STOP THIS CONSTANT CHATTER FROM TERMINATING THEM BEFORE I POTENTIALLY GET KICKED OUT...

funphish21

Date posted: 1y

I hold my relationship with my mother to such high regard that's why my OCD wants to reverse it and take it as a threat and tear it down I just want her to know that as OCD can be very taboo in African households as some kind of whacky superstition but it's not infact it has a very real and cognitive pathway that can be isolated and medicated upon with the right forms of therapy. When you are purely driven by emotion and not reason you become opinionated where all forms of intellectual endeavours have been deemed a farce only to protect your unfounded ones. I'm not saying emotion is bad because typing this I am currently going through a multitude of bad emotions typing this trying to deal with this pain every day and me engaging in content of this sort does not get me to a better place it's just a brick on the gas pedal of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I want to make it clear to my parents especially my mother that they're not responsible for my opinions, and that they aren't capable of changing them anyway especially because they feel like they are failing themselves or me if they are controlling my very thoughts etc. This should hopefully form bridges instead of burning them. But knowing them my honesty will always turn into something they abuse and ridicule to push me into a box they can toy around with. Time and time again, I tell them that it is fine for them to hold their opinions and beliefs. I'm not saying they are wrong for believing in these things, whether it be politically, religiously, socially, etc. I'm just saying why I don't agree with their thought processes on how they got there. Unfortunately, that is treated the same as calling them wrong for doing so, which is never the case. Disagreement with someone doesn't make them wrong or right at all. It's just a disagreement, and that's perfectly fine. We are all free humans with the ability to believe whatever the hell we want as we live life on our terms. There is nothing I hate more than having to tread lightly or sacrifice my integrity and core beliefs just to maintain the relationship. I feel like I'm just lying to myself time and time again, and that causes an internal dispute within me that exacerbates my OCD symptoms. I love them so much, and I feel like honesty should be a part of a loving relationship with my parents, and not one built on lies and falsehoods. I don't want all of this to be a justification for me to not be a part of their lives, and I hope they think the same. Also, the things going on in our minds are for us only and are separate from the real world and not to be imposed on others. All I can do is simply educate them and clarify any questions regarding my takes on life, etc. Because honestly, these constant obsessive ruminating that take over my entire day kill any affinity I once had on matters of Islam and religion/philosophy as a whole. Every time I engage in it, I see how the mainstream falls into reactionary dogma with questionable interpretations and commentaries formed by centuries of orientalism and colonialism, and hatred of certain groups of oppressed peoples. Even though the religion practiced by its founder calls for justice on all fronts, even with people you have a disagreement with, as it is a core virtue of the religion to challenge oppressive structures and bring liberation to the weak, disenfranchised, etc., not suppress the voiceless and destroy those who show discern to it. That was the religion I knew of before all of it was co-opted by misogynists and fascists alike, and as a result, it is seen all across the world as something that's always been this backwards and tribalistic. We, humans, can create texts and instructions that have absolutely 0 room for interpretation, for example, aviation documents and surgery procedures etc as human lives are at stake and these things can be used generations from now as the natural laws still work the same. So how can an all-knowing and powerful God be attributed to a text that talks about the eternal position of one's soul when the text must be renegotiated to derive any meaning from it to coincide with our ideological stances that arise from our material conditions as opposed to rigid standards that are attributed to God for all time regardless of context. If he intended this to be the outcome then how is he all loving. That sounds like a very Evil God and the complete opposite of merciful that allows this due to the threat of eternal torture. That's why it's either the people who compiled these books are here to deceive and control or don't know what they are talking about. Thats, why things like this have to be experienced not simply recited in hopes that its real belief or not, is separate from what is.

funphish21

Date posted: 1y

My mom always thinks that matters like this are only seen in a vacuum for example the idea of changing your mind on things as you age. This comes off as very arrogant as no one on earth will truly be rigid in their beliefs unless they don't willingly educate themselves or involve themselves in society and change them based on new knowledge of the ever-changing world and scientific evidence and the paradox of this is that the more we know about something more questions about it arise it's a never-ending loop and I don't think mankind will ever truly get there but why not try. maan I got off the plane from the UK and I'm now in Georgia after 24 hrs of traveling and the first thing that happened when I woke up was being in a paralysing shock about where I am and what it means to move out to another country with great expectations from my parents and having the thoughts in my mind of like "this is it man all their hard earned cash that they worked 2 jobs for etc is gonna go down the drain all because of you" "You don't even like this subject why are you just burning their money" "your gonna grow up a bum and be lucky if you ain't dead or homeless" "you are nothing "imagine now telling them this ontop of the fact that you don't practice their faith anymore" "your a fuck up" "why are you doing this to them haven't they suffered enough' It seems like since my I arrived to Georgia all jet lagged and tired nauseous etc all these thoughts just want me to fucking cease to exist man I've never heard of such a dehabilitating mental disorder and now I truly recognize that I've had this since the middle college 2019 with concerns about health anxiety and fear of failure which had then subsided partially because I was still in an environment that prevented me from going to far mentally with that trope as it was pre covid I used to get the whole lot my dude and they would change in and out in order to get me into a state of absolute terror and dehabilitating mental nausea the brain constantly wants you to stay in fear it's like a broken record. My first semester of second year is here in about 2/3 days and I've never felt so down In my entire life normally Id be a little scared of flying but the fear was the thoughts of failure that consumed me every flight to get here... This has made me a perfectionist when I study and put pen to paper I want it to be perfect when I want OCD recovery I want it to be perfect I always think that there's such a thing as perfect timing when it comes to it like I'd have to be in some kind of bubble removed from daily affairs. Especially knowing the nature of my degree as it being full on at you I always think that I should wait for a specific break or holiday to sort it out and that day never comes I keep procrastinating that too.... I think both of us need to accept the lack of control we have over our environment – the sooner we surrender to that notion, the sooner you will start to feel much better. It helps take more ownership of your actions and the betterment of your mental health. It helps clear out the nuisance factors and become more focused on the things that matter, the things that you can take responsibility for.

funphish21

Date posted: 1y

If we're interested in holding justified beliefs finding out which claims have valid support and which don't is something to embrace, not avoid. It's when we stake our egos, hopes or identities on specific claims that we create needless problems because anything that then threatens the claim also threatens us. The burden of proof becomes threatening because having to justify the claim risks discovering that we can't do so. In this way, our ability to assess the claim becomes fatally undermined by a personal need for it to be true, whether or not it has valid support. Instead of caring of my wellbeing as a son they see me as a tool of their religious conviction and confirmation just an object of my belief which is quite a very selfish and self-deprecating attitude devoid of all life and all the beauties in it simply ignored or even objectively denied. She cannot recognize that I am an autonomous human being with my own thoughts ideas not a lamb to the slaughter or a slave chained to his master's fence of beliefs. This has affected my life to the point that this incessant uninvited deafining thinking continues in my dreams it's inescapable. Saying things like 1. "It could be worse!" * Yea it could also be a lot better* 2. "At least it's not cancer" *my experiences are still valid* 3. "Just think positively!" *this is unrealistic and unhealthy* 4. "You are in charge of your emotions." *then no one would be sad we don't live in a vacuum* 5. "I don't know how you get through it all" *I don't have a choice* 6. "Just focus on the good things in life" *i can't heal from my pain if i ignore it just pushes everything away* 7. "Everything happens for a reason. *This isn't a universal belief and is very harmful to tell someone currently suffering a lot. Imagine saying that to someone who has just been raped how cruel is that. You've essentially said that it was justified for them to go through that and a necessity for it. All It takes one match to burn down a forrest. It makes we wanna jump off a bridge sometimes when it gets too much and I genuinely need help not appeals to faith and wishful thinking. I know she's trying to do all of this as she thinks it's for my benefit but it's like a monkey taking a fish out of water in fear that it could drown. Not all forms of help are helpful just like how the western world imposed its religion and it's benefits, democracies and technology to other countries especially the eastern world through lens of violence and pillaging because they saw this as an absolute virtue and it must be accomplished no matter what means we're done to impose it. And then they get upset or feel insulted when those other countries hate them you see it also today with the wars done on the middle East in the name of "Secularism, freedom and democracy" which resulted in millions of innocent casualties and yet they fail to realise why they carry out violence towards the opposite team. We live life according to nature and it's constantly changing or it's either we bend to its truth or live a lie. An animal for example a locust considered on its own is virtuous but in large crowds their awful.

Justwiththew...

Date posted: 23w

My Evolution of PTSD to Trauma Related OCD: How I'm Still Alive

Oh my god, where do I start? Trauma related OCD is the worst crap I've ever experienced in my life, hands down. It develops in some people after a traumatic experience. You can have both trauma related OCD and PTSD together or develop it after PTSD. Mine was like a transitionary phase and developed it after PTSD. I had every symptom of PTSD prior to this from witnessing a traumatic event which I will not go into detail about. But I will tell you how I went from PTSD to OCD and what I've experienced with all of this as some guy in their late 20s. So, right after the traumatic event I developed poor concentration, reoccuring nightmares, fear, insomnia, restlessness, irritation, reoccurring thoughts about the event, forgetfulness and a faulty fight or flight response triggered by the thoughts. The freaking insomnia killed me for a year straight. Imagine going to sleep at 3 am and getting up at 7 am with a faulty fight or flight response kicking in right away for that whole entire day now. It felt like my body was boiling and radiating with the hottest energy you can imagine from my legs all the way up to my head. And I also felt weak, drunk and terribly lightheaded every single day. Rinse and repeat all of that for 1 year straight. Thank god that's over now. It was a damn nightmare of nightmares. Most of those PTSD symptoms eventually disappeared but not all of them. I just found the will and mental strength in myself to let most of that PTSD crap go. But you know what happened pretty damn soon after that? It was all eventually replaced with trauma related OCD. It's like the PTSD evolved and didn't want me getting away so easily. For me, it's a mix of handwashing OCD and really bad somatic or sensorimotor OCD but that's not all. I also have distorted senses, bad forgetfulness, terrible concentration abilities, tension headaches and irritation every single day. Here are some examples of what I go through; I'll turn the lights off, but my brain imagines the lights are on still. I'll stand there trying to process that the lights are off while fighting the distorted sense perception from my brain. So, I keep 'checking' to make sure the lights are indeed off. Not a good situation to be in. I have pretty much every somatic OCD symptom of breathing, swallowing, blinking, eye movements and most bodily functions. My brain's like telling me if you don't do it the 'right way' then I have to keep doing it until I feel like I did it the 'right way.' It's a 'feeling' issue, a really bad one I should say. All of this crap causes my fight or flight response to kick in, gives me some loss of sleep, irritation and mental agony. Also, if I 'feel' like I forgot to do something even though deep down I already know I did said thing, I feel compelled to do it again until that feeling subsides. It's like this, "I know I just did that but my brain wants me to feel like I didn't do it. Therefore, let's do it again." The handwashing is bad too. But I normally do it to 'feel good' about something in my head. Hence, the obsessive handwashing. The dfference between this OCD stuff and PTSD is that PTSD has you focused solely on the traumatic event while this OCD has me focused on many, many different compulsions which is much worse. One thing vs many compulsions? The latter is by far worse, trust me. Focusing on the compulsions screws up my ability to focus and think about what I'm doing at hand. If I ignore them, just imagine a tension headache with a really irritated hot spot forming in your head somewhere and coming in hard and fast. Now, I've successfully ignored many urges but... new ones just keep coming and forming. It's a constant battle. Every freaking day is a terrible battle with this stuff. If I slip up and let something become a compulsion and get out of hand, I fight it like fighting to the death and it then takes a while for me to climb back up out the hole I fell into. Once I'm out of the hole, the incessant battle of resisting continues. Here's some more weird things I do for example; basically, if I'm desperate to keep a compulsion away, I have to do other unrelated things a certain way or else I get the urge to go right back to doing said compulsion. And sometimes weird sensations, strain or pain I might feel while doing something throughout the day will alone trigger me to do an earlier compulsion. I also have to get a good night sleep after a battle with a compulsion. If I don't, that compulsion comes right back and I have to fight it the next day. It's a vicious cycle. I know, it's very screwed up. You don't have to tell me. I sometimes repeat myself over and over again out loud to make my brain "click" with what I'm saying. Now, this one started with the PTSD and I'm not sure if it's a cognitive and concentration issue or an OCD issue but it did actually get better over time thankfully. I hated that anyway. This is a glimpse of what I go through on a daily basis. And yeah, I do ERT all the time and it's not like a magic wand you can wave in the air and then everything's gone and back to normal. In my experience, it has worked for some things but other things, not so much. I've taken saffron, NAC, valerian root, passion flower, other supplements and other stuff to see if it would all help in some way. Saffron is touted as an SSRI equivalent but it did nothing for my OCD surprisingly except make me tired. I took it for a couple months and just hated the tired and drowsy feeling I got from it. The thing that actually worked somewhat for me is NAC. I took it for several months straight at a high dose and it actually altered my OCD behavior a little bit. I did 2600 MG of it everyday for several months. I stopped after a while because it really got my libido going. Yeah, won't go into that part. Anyway, I felt like I should share my story. As someone who's had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing both PTSD and trauma related OCD, people truly do underestimate the terrible suffering that OCD can inflict on its victims. I don't believe an SSRI or any cognitive supplement will "fix" your OCD but I believe one can be liberated from it if they do resist the compulsions long enough to where their brain sort of very slowly recalibrates itself to be less OCD about things in the future. But it will take a lot of mental strength, will power and most of all, time. Distracting yourself and focusing on what makes you happy is very beneficial too and is honestly what helped me the most out of anything. Everyone's OCD is unique to themselves. What works for me might not work for you. What you are experiencing may not necessarily be the same as what I'm experiencing. For example, some people have terrible harm OCD where they are afraid of acting out on their thoughts. I cannot relate to that. But if any of you can relate to some degree with what I have, feel free to share. I'll give you some tips that I learned from my experience with all of this that helped me. But just remember, what works for me might not necessarily work for you. - Try to adopt an 'I don't care mentality' for your ocd rituals: Try to treat it as something that you refuse to have define you as a person and as if it's just nonsense that means nothing in the end. - Stop it in the initial stages: If you feel a compulsion coming on, I've found that ignoring it right then and there works the best. Even if you act on the compulsion once when it just starts, you have enough time to stop it right then and there still by ignoring it. My brain thinks that the compulsion was therefore not a compulsion and moves on to find sonething else to focus in on. Just rinse and repeat at that point then. - Distract yourself immediately: This is probably one of the best things I ever did to get control of my OCD. If your brain starts up right then and there about something OCD related, just immediately focus on something you like to do. - My 'leave it behind' method: Move away from the area where the compulsions are occurring and go to a different room. It helped me sort of refresh my mind and brain by going to a different area and I found that a lot of my compulsions no longer 'follow me' to that different room. I can then later return to the same room where it started and be fine again. - Go work out: Another great thing to boost your mental health and possibly rid your mind of OCD is working out whether that be hiking, the gym, jogging or simply taking a walk. It's really great for overall mental well being. It helped me a lot. I never was one to give up. I've been through hell for a while now. My conscience use to be stuck in this blackest of blackness, sort of like nothingness. But eventually it started becoming more clear and I was able to start seeing through and beyond this blackness. It's like pulling a large black curtain away which was obstructing your field of vision completely and seeing something on the other side. That's where I'm at right now. I see something but it's faint. I'm just glad that it's something though. I'm thankful for that. Peace.

summerloveru...

Date posted: 8w

So...

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!

summerloveru...

Date posted: 7w

my story

So... I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to do any of the things I loved; OCD took the joy out of it. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again." Love you!!!

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